Earn NASA’s money and good health by sleeping in and getting a fat ass
May 13, 2008
Wired News reports that NASA is offering to pay people $17,000 to stay in bed for 90 straight days. And Reuters reported that the kind of fat that accumulates on your hips and ass may offer protection against diabetes, according to researchers. Finally having a big ass and sleeping in is paying off with both health and cash benefits!
“If you wait long enough everything that used to be bad for you is good for you,” said Happy Porker, a chunky postal worker who loves barbeque and sex in equal amounts. “Not long ago butter and red meat were going to kill you, and now they’re healthier than margarine or vegetarianism. It turns out that we’re all carnivores who need to eat natural things like dairy and meat in addition to grains and vegetables. Now if me and Bobby can get NASA to pay us to bang away in bed for 90 days with nothing but Trojans and BBQ, I’ll be as close to heaven as I’m going to get in this life.”
Not everyone thinks a fat ass and NASA offer the keys to happiness. “I can’t sit in airplane seats comfortably and my neck gets stiff if I stay in bed too long,” said Honey Baked-Hamm, a full figured lab technician who moonlights as a stripper at the One Size Fits All Lounge in Houston. “I guess I’ll just risk diabetes by dropping another ten pounds and I’ll just have to miss out on the NASA bucks too. I spend the time I want in bed sleeping and doing what I want for seven to eight hours a day, and if that’s not enough for NASA, tough shit.”
Wired’s report asked, “Need a break from the working, walking, and standing required by the demanding and stressful life you lead?” The piece went on to say, “Well, pack your bags for Houston because NASA wants to pay you $17,000 to stay in bed for 90 straight days.” The report said NASA participants will spend 90 days lying in bed, (except for limited times for specific tests) with their body slightly tilted downward (head down, feet up). Every day, they will be awake for 16 hours and lights out (asleep) for 8 hours. The bed-rest experiment, to take place in the Human Test Subject Facility of Johnson Space Center, is designed to allow scientists to study some of the effects of microgravity on the human body.
A Reuters report on MSNBC said that U.S. researchers have determined that a type of fat that accumulates around the hips and bottom may actually offer some protection against diabetes. Researchers said subcutaneous fat, or fat that collects under the skin, helped to improve sensitivity to the hormone insulin, which regulates blood sugar. Researchers have known for some time that fat that collects in the abdomen — known as visceral fat — can raise a person’s risk of diabetes and heart disease, while people with pear-shaped bodies, with fat deposits in the buttocks and hips, are less prone to these disorders. Now it turns out that subcutaneous fat — fat found just under the skin — may be actively protecting people from metabolic disease. Researchers are working to find the substances produced in subcutaneous fat that provide the benefit with the hope of developing a drug that might copy this effect. Some people think NASA and the body fat researchers are nuts.
“You shouldn’t be telling people that a fat ass is saving your life or that by staying in bed for three months you can earn big money. Neither is healthy and it’s the last thing I want my husband Bob thinking about,” said Debbi Doubter, a risk adverse insurance company executive who has spent the past five years of her seven year marriage getting her husband to work on time and begging him to drop fifteen pounds. “If Bob gets hold of this he’ll put on another ten pounds and start pretending he’s an astronaut and sleeping in on weekdays. The lazy bastard takes the wrong cues for encouragement as it is. I’ve never have got him off the Enquirer’s beer and nacho diet plan.”
In other news, The Toronto Star reports that researchers at the University of Michigan have determined that the secret to a happy marriage is to be annoying. In a recent study, the researchers found that, as a couple ages, a lifetime of closeness rubs up a rash of irritations. Strangely enough, rubbing each other the wrong way might be the right way to conduct a marriage. The article said that one of the reasons couples quarrel is that they are closer and more comfortable with each other. As we age, the researchers concluded, “It could be that we’re more able to express ourselves to each other.” No word on just how much happier people are with an annoying but big healthy ass.
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