Frequent house-calls tip off cops
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 14, 2008
Des Moines, Iowa police arrested Ol’ Lonely at his Maytag warehouse yesterday after stalking him for two weeks while he made repair service house-calls everyday, and sometimes several times a day. Reportedly the repairman claimed he was making repairs and “fine-tuning” washers and driers but the cops knew better.
“We know the reputation that Maytag has for dependability and there was no way that those machines needed all the attention Mr. Repairman was giving them,” said Sergeant Friday, a plain talking cop who’s as respected as the last workday of the week, even though he never dresses down. “That guy is not doing machines he’s doing women all over town and now we’re putting the sick bastard away.”
Not everyone thinks that the Maytag Repairman is doing women all over Des Moines, or that he’s some kind of gigolo. “He’s just lonely and is a nice down-to-earth guy that people like. He’s a good repairman who’s always cheerful and has really great hands,” said Janet Green, a member of the Des Moines Area Chamber of Commerce who admitted she has Ol’ Lonely over to her house a couple times a month just to ‘tweak things.’ “I’ll be a character reference for him and so will a lot of housewives I know. The cops need to back off and let the man be who he is. He’s a repairman. He fixes stuff and makes washers, dryers and other stuff run like a top. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”
In related news, the Whirlpool Corporation completed its acquisition of Maytag and considered laying off the repairman because there wasn’t much work for him to do. However, after several female executives conducted private interviews with him the decision was made to keep him on. “He knows his way around and understands not only the basics of how things work, but also how to make them work good, better and best,” said an unnamed executive still warm, moist and breathing deeply from a second Ol’ Lonely interview. “You can’t let a guy like that go.”
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