The Quest for Bears and Boobs, More and Less

Some women want record-setting sized chests, but more are downsizing
Environmentalists say polar bears are disappearing, but the bears don’t

Inebriated Press
May 14, 2008

ABC News reported Monday that a woman in Brazil wants to have the largest breasts in the world and has had eight surgeries to move her toward that title. And the New York Post said environmentalists continue to push to have polar bears declared a threatened species while biologists say the population is up 40% since 1974, a modern era high. While some people say that more of everything is better, others disagree and the debate over whether it’s true for women’s breasts and polar bears is heating up.

“You can never have big enough boobs, enough polar bears or enough Democrats in Congress,” said Dusty Dong, a liberal thinking plumber who spends a lot of time pondering women and bears but never does anything about either. “I have a dream of someday retiring to an ice-skating rink filled with white bears and big breasted women and national healthcare. I’ll eat Eskimo pies everyday and drink vodka on the rocks. I’m just a simple guy who likes simple pleasures, but I think Barack Obama can help me get there. God bless that skinny little bastard.”

Some people think that too much of anything can be harmful. “When my jugs hit Double-D my back was killing me so much I would have choked out half the polar bear population if I thought it’d do me any good,” said Celeste Bigg-Topp, a local landscape designer known for creating the Hanging Gardens of Pizza for a joint downtown. “I had a doc carve me down to Single-C and I’ve felt great ever since. Guys don’t go cross-eyed and run into things when they look at me anymore but what the hey, it seems like they were all either idiots or liberal plumbers anyway. There’s way too many of them around. We could do with a few less.”

ABC News reported that Sheyla Hershey has set a new record for having the largest breasts in Brazil, and perhaps the world. After eight surgeries and a gallon of silicone, Hershey’s breasts round out to an astonishing 34 FFF — and she claims she’s not done. The 28-year-old Brazilian actress and model said that she would like her breasts to be even bigger. But Kelly, a 29-year-old from Michigan who asked that her last name not be used, says she was miserable before her breast reduction surgery last month. And she was only a 34 DD. Since she is only one month out of surgery, Kelly doesn’t know yet what her new bra size will be, but believes she’s somewhere between a B and C cup. Kelly says that within a week of her surgery she was “feeling amazing” for the first time in years.

The New York Post reported that a federal judge in California last month ordered the Interior Department to decide by this Friday whether to list polar bears as a threatened species because of global warming. The case started with a lawsuit filed by Greenpeace and the Natural Resources Defense Council in 2005. The problem with the decision is that polar bears are thriving – and will do so under all but the most speculative scenarios of global-warming apocalypse. The world polar-bear population is at a modern high – and growing. Mitch Taylor, a polar-bear biologist with Canada’s Federal Provincial Polar Bear Technical Committee, notes that the bears now number about 24,000 – up about 40 percent from 1974. On April 25, the Committee on the Status of Endangered Wildlife in Canada acknowledged this reality by designating the polar bear as of “special concern” – its mildest classification – ruling the bears are not endangered. Some people think there’s way too much focus on bears and breasts in the world today.

“We’ve got record high gas prices and the cost of food keeps going up and we’re worried about how many bears are wandering around and whether my tits should be bigger or smaller? I think some priorities are messed up here,” said Sandy Silicone-Sally, a big breasted polar bear lover who thinks there are other things in the world that are more important than both. “I’ve upsized my jugs to Double D and have supported campaigns to save the polar bears. I’ve accomplished what I set out to do and am comfortable on both counts. Now I want the oil industry to quit ripping me off and forcing the cost of food and gas higher. The Saudi’s get around $8 a barrel for the oil that the fuel companies and speculators are pricing at around $125. Exxon, Mobil and British Petroleum are making billions of dollars every quarter. Fuzzy white bears and my great tits and ass are damn fine, but there’s some work to be done about the energy monopoly that’s emptying my purse. Sons of bitches.”

In other news, Real Clear Politics reported last Friday that presidential candidate Barack Obama said that under his presidency he will meet with America’s enemies without any preconditions. He said he’d visit with enemies the way former U.S. presidents Roosevelt and Truman did. The article suggested Obama study a little history because Roosevelt met with Stalin when he was our ally against Germany and not our enemy, and Truman never met with the Japanese until after the U.S. nuked them and forced their unconditional surrender. Apparently Obama intends to not only change the future; he’s also going to change the past. No word on his plan for setting the number of polar bears or the size of women’s breasts in any particular century, past or present.

(C) 2008

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