Dental Hygienists Endorse Obama

Say his toothy grin turns them on

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 16, 2008

The Organized Utopia of Career Hygienists, International (OUCHi) an American dental hygienists splinter group, announced yesterday their support of Senator Barack Obama for president of the United States. The groups’ executive director, Nikki “N2O” Oxide made the proclamation at the annual gathering of dental assistants and part-time strippers in Tampa, following a nude tooth polishing demonstration attended by fifteen to twenty OUCHi members and around 500 local businessmen on their lunch break. Senator Obama wasn’t on hand but said by webcast that he appreciated the endorsement and hoped to see some “hot young OUCHi members” in the near future for a “check up.” OUCHi members who had been inhaling laughing gas during Obama’s comments cheered and hooted while tossing bras and dental floss into the air.

“We just love Obama’s toothy grin and I get all hot and bothered just thinking about his incisors and bicuspids,” said Tracy Racy-Lacy, a hygienist from a Hoboken mens-only dental practice who nearly suffocates patients when leaning over them with her 34EEE’s — but has never had a complaint. “He keeps the enamel just so and when he smiles the light refraction is simply divine. He doesn’t need an appointment. I’ll do him in my chair anytime.”

Not everyone thinks politicians should be elected because of their smile. “You can’t be choosing the most powerful leader in the world based on how his or her teeth look, it’s irrational and impractical,” said an attorney trying to get into an OUCHi fashion show featuring models displaying what they wear under their smocks. “You should elect them based on how much they want to change things regardless of what those changes are. Too many people get caught up in silly stuff like taxes, healthcare, defense against terrorism and those kinds of mundane things. Change for the sake of change is what I go by. Of course an ample bosom is always good, but it’s tough to find many politicians built like that.”

The OUCHi annual meeting runs through Sunday and organizers say they’ll be reviewing technical advancements for teeth cleaning as well as how to effectively balance dental care with stripping and hooking, for those who want to branch out. A special seminar on new practices that combine all three disciplines is slated for late Sunday when many cops will be off duty.

“We live in such a hectic society that a lot of business people simply can’t find the time to bang hookers and also get their teeth cleaned and polished, so we’re branching out with a new combination business franchise called BDSM DDS Associates,” said bookie and business consultant Shifty McGee, a recent convert to oral hygiene. “Properly trained a good OUCHi technician can polish both ends of a guy simultaneously thus saving time and generating extra income. Of course we’re still having some problems getting insurance companies to pay for both services but we’re working on it. We think by endorsing Obama he’ll make sure that his national healthcare plan will cover the whole thing. After all, it’s a service a lot of fine people can use and it’s great for their all-around health and vitality, not to mention their attitude.”

In related news, dentists continue to encourage patients to have their teeth checked and cleaned at least once a year and preferably once every six months. Currently patients at the new BDSM DDS Associates have been coming several times each month and some highly dedicated ones have established weekly appointments.

(C) 2008

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