Brain Boosting with Omega-3 and Sex

Get better test scores
Get better rum sales

Inebriated Press
May 20, 2008

Food Production Daily reported last week that a new study shows esterified omega-3 fatty acids may improve the attention scores for children. And the American Association of Advertising Agencies reported that Cabana Cachaça, an expensive rum they call “luxury cachaça,” launched a marketing effort they say “will prove to be 2008’s sexiest ad campaign.” New stimulants that heighten our attention and stimulate higher learning and a stronger economy are the mother’s milk of today’s media driven society.

“The study is terrific because we can add Omega-3 to food for kids and increase their attention span which will hike their ability to learn in school and memorize advertising campaigns targeting them,” said Natalie Dresser, a stunning blonde and buxom advertising executive whose cleavage can be seen shimmering late at night like the aurora borealis. “We’re not sure if it’ll impact adults yet, but if does and the Cabana people will add it to their rum we think we’ll have the most remembered ad campaign in history. That and lots of happy drinkers who are relaxed from the alcohol but still remember the most important parts of the evening before passing out. This is leading edge stuff for both the consumption of food and marketing.”

Not everyone thinks additives should be put in kids’ food or that a better memory is necessarily a good thing. “It’s unnatural that we should dump esterified omega-3 fatty acids into children’s food because we think it’s good for their memory, when who knows what else it might be doing,” said Les Enthusiastic, a tall drink of water often mixed with Crown Royal on weekends, and is usually better sipped than taken as an information source. “As for memory, why would I want to remember those hard nights when skanks took me down and left me in the gutter like the dog I sometimes am? Heck I have flashbacks I don’t want now, there’s no way I want to enhance them.”

Food Production Daily reported that supplementation with omega-3 fatty acids in the phospholipid form resulted in changes to children’s fatty acid profile and an increase in Test of Variables of Attention (TOVA) scores amongst children with impaired attention performance participating in the randomised double-blind clinical trial. That’s according to a new study from France and Israel’s Enzymotec that appears to highlight the importance of the omega-3 carrier. A number of studies have reported similar results and this led to calls by some for omega-3 supplementation of school children. Indeed, the UK’s Food Standards Agency (FSA) last year reviewed the science in this field but ultimately decided against such measures, stating the evidence was insufficient. In many cases these studies were said to lack quality in research methodology and reporting, and failed to account for confounders. But studies like the new randomised, double-blind, placebo-controlled trial, supported financially by Enzymotec, could lead to a rethink in this stance.

American Association of Advertising Agencies reported that Cabana Cachaça, the luxury cachaça launched in the United States just two years ago, announces what will prove to be 2008’s sexiest ad campaign. The third most distilled spirit in the world, cachaça is distilled from freshly pressed sugarcane rather than molasses, from which most rum is produced, and has been relatively unknown in the U.S. until recently. The article said that with the tagline, Authentically Brasilian–shot by renowned fashion photographer Mario Sorrenti–it’s both authentic and Brasilian, down to the Portuguese spelling of the brand’s country of origin and the telltale tan lines left behind by the models’ itsy, bitsy bikinis. With no strings attached (literally) the campaign is set to break in June issues of Vanity Fair, Men’s Vogue, W Magazine and regional Niche Media Publications. The “hot” campaign video is at Some people think that hot Brazilian booze and bright thinking kids are the keys to a better world.

“If we can boost our intelligence by enhancing our memory and spend time with hot Brazilian models drinking rum, I think we can have world peace in our time, no matter what the radical Muslims try to do,” said Haff Stoned, a rum drinking memory expert who worships women and the ground they walk on and is frequently seen doing both. “Every clear thinking man, woman and child knows that a good education and relaxed drinking habits are keys to better living. Oppression by tyrants claiming they’re saving you through oppression, beheading and various forms of slavery isn’t going to be tolerated by people who just plain know better. At least it better not be. I’ve been drinking tasty Cabana Cachaça for the past two hours now and I still think clearly enough to know who I want grabbing and kicking my ass. And it ain’t no Islamofascist that’s for sure. Bring on the Brazilian babes!”

In other news, the Winnipeg Sun reported that a Winnipeg woman who accidentally plunged a knife into her boyfriend’s chest during a drunken bout of rough sex received a three-year conditional discharge yesterday. The Court learned the 25-year-old woman and 24-year-old man had known each other since grade school but had only become romantically involved four weeks prior to the accident. The man had been rushed to hospital in critical condition after suffering the stab wound to the left ventricle of his heart. Attorney Larry Allan said the man and woman had been drinking heavily and were engaged in “rough sex activities” when the man requested she “carve artwork” into his chest. Judge Brian Corrin said the woman was “clearly remorseful and unlikely to be reinvolved.” Corrin ordered the woman to participate in alcohol counseling while on probation. No word on whether they were drinking rum with Omega-3 or if they’re simply trying to forget the whole thing ever happened.

(C) 2008

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