Threats from Al Qaeda and Morons Remain Consistent

Bin Laden vows to fight Israel and US
Texans Sue Homeland Security to Open Border

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant
May 20, 2008

Reuters reported last Friday that Osama Bin Laden climbed out from under a rock to mark Israel’s 60th anniversary and vowed to fight the Jewish state and it’s allies in the West. And the Arizona Republic newspaper reported that Mayors from Texas border cities are suing the Department of Homeland Security over construction of 670 miles of fencing along the Southwest border. Finally Muslim and non-Muslim groups are working together hand-in-hand as both Al Qaeda and cities in Texas join together to defeat U.S. Homeland Security.

“It’s a great day in world history when two groups that seem so disparate join hands to fight the oppressive and bothersome Homeland Security Department that remains bent on stopping stuff from secretly getting into the United States,” said Sue Esidal-Tendancy, crossing a street without looking while sucking some lard on a stick. “A lot of people misunderstand the threat from Al Qaeda and fail to realize that if we just let them do whatever they want, they probably won’t hurt us much. At least that’s what I plan to do if I’m ever attacked by a rapist. There’s no way I’m going to shoot a man in the face like my friend Heather did when a guy ripped off her shorts and jumped on her. She’s so defensive.”

Not everyone is so sure that ‘peace through giving in’ is in our best interest. “Put up the damn fence and nuke the f-ing Afghan mountains where those killer-of-innocents and beheader-of-those-we-disagree-with bastards are hiding,” said Heather “Survivor” Daley, a slender brunette dental assistant who is helpful by nature and kills in self defense. “We don’t have to take shit from people who try to impose their will on us regardless of how strong they think they are. If anyone wants into this country we have a set of rules that provide that opportunity. Anybody sneaking into my place will need more than Kevlar to save their ass. I may go down to the Border States and have a chat with those folks about how rule of law works and how people from outside our country may want to hurt us. Don’t those Texans understand that Homeland Security is trying to save our ass. Morons down there probably don’t floss either. Idiots.”

Reuters reported that Osama bin Laden vowed in an audio tape to mark Israel’s 60th anniversary to continue to fight the Jewish state and its allies in the West. Al Qaeda has vowed attacks on Jews both inside and outside Israel and regularly expresses support for the Palestinians and rancor against those in the West. The al Qaeda leader, who has placed growing emphasis on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, said it was at the heart of the Muslim battle with the West and an inspiration to the 19 bombers who carried out the attacks on U.S. cities on September 11, 2001. A U.S. official in Washington said the tape was being reviewed to establish if it was genuinely from bin Laden but the content came as no surprise.

The Arizona Republic newspaper reported that representatives of the Texas Border Coalition, composed of cities and counties along Texas’ 1,200-mile border with Mexico, said they are suing the Department of Homeland Security over construction of 670 miles of fencing along the Southwest border. The lawsuit is the latest, and most extensive, legal action brought against the Bush administration in an attempt to block pedestrian fencing and barriers that the DHS is building across all four states that border Mexico. The Department has attempted to negotiate with landowners but was forced to file condemnation suits against hold-out landowners who they say are effectively trying to wield a “veto” over the fence. The department contends that it has consistently complied with the law in carrying out the multibillion-dollar project. Some pundits argue that homicide and genocide are acts of nature and should be freely allowed and even encouraged.

“No one should be allowed to put up artificial constraints against others to keep them from physically attacking things that they don’t like, and it’s equally fair that those who are attacked try to avoid it squirming around or by running away,” said Dusty Gray-Matter, a foggy thinking landowner who believes the U.S. overreacted to the Nazi’s during World War II, and is guilty of repressing Al Qaeda as well as random shooters in malls and on school campuses. “People have been attacked by others since time began and it’s natural and Darwinian and should be encouraged. Just because the Roman Empire collapsed when uncivilized hoards overran the country doesn’t mean that was a bad thing. The Medieval Period was a very interesting historical time when basically there was no civilized progress. That’s okay. It’s natural. Look at how well things were going under Taliban rule in Afghanistan before the U.S. messed it up and made the girls get educations, and encouraged women to walk around in broad daylight without forcing them to wear particular clothing or be with a man. American bastards have been imposing freedom and opportunity. It’s unnatural.”

In other news, presidential candidate Barack Obama said that when he is president he’ll sit down with America’s enemies without preconditions. Former president Jimmy Carter sat down with the terrorist group Hamas last month and came away saying he thought a better understanding had been reached. Hamas attacked Israel again the next week. I guess Israel has the right to run away if they want. But word out of Israel is that they prefer staying and may breach political correctness by fighting back and perhaps even attacking those who kill them. No word on whether Obama thinks they should.

(C) 2008

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