Aliens in UK, Wife’s on eBay and Oral Sex in Court

Truth really is stranger than fiction

Inebriated Press
May 21, 2008

Canada’s Chronicle Herald reported last week that a man in Canadian court dropped his pants and invited the judge to perform oral sex on him. Meanwhile the UK Sun newspaper said an angry husband advertised his wife on eBay with bids reaching £500,100. And a Freedom of Information request made by UFO researchers has forced the UK Ministry of Defense to release their “X-Files.” The world of imagination is being over-run by reality and there’s no one left who can tell the difference.

“I was in my garden hoeing carrots when aliens bought me off eBay, put me in a trance and did experiments with my body involving sex and artificial enhancements,” said Betty Lou Tornado, a chesty blonde paralegal who is no longer from Kansas. “I woke up in the tomato patch 48 hours later with silicon chest implants, my pants were missing and I smelled like rum. I wouldn’t believe it myself but there was a deposit for $49.95 in my PayPal account from Planet Hollywood and that’s not from around here.”

Not everyone believes what the papers report, or what Betty Lou is claiming. “That girl in the tomato patch was a drunken ho and not doing any hoeing and the Brit’s got no X-Files, that’s copyright of Twentieth Century Fox, and nobody is stupid enough to tell a judge to suck on him,” said Iman Doubt, a short chunky accountant with thick glasses and an air of cabbage about him. “I bought a lot of stuff off eBay but they don’t sell no women. I still got to go down to Fifth and Broadway to buy them. And it’s darn inconvenient. eBay really should get into the business.”

The Chronicle Herald reported that a psychiatric assessment has been ordered for a homeless man who dropped his pants in a Halifax courtroom Friday and invited the judge to perform oral sex on him. Joel David Arseneau, 40, was being arraigned in Halifax provincial court before Judge Barbara Beach on two charges of breaching probation when he let his pants fall to the floor, displaying his underwear. Before he left court Mr. Arseneau asked a clerk if she wanted to see his genitals.

The Sun reported that a jealous husband who suspected his wife of an affair took revenge – by putting her for sale on eBay. Paul Osborn, 44, kicked out wife Sharon and advertised her on the internet auction site – with bids hitting £500,100. It offered his “cheating, lying, adulterous slag of a wife” to the highest bidder – and became an internet phenomenon, with users forwarding the link worldwide. But Sharon, 43, denies an affair and cops are now investigating Paul for harassment.

The Sun also reported that fascinating reports, taken so seriously they were documented by the UK Ministry of Defense, have been made public after a Freedom of Information request by UFO researchers. Among the material is one listing a sighting in Regents Park in 1985 by a woman described as ‘highly intelligent and a zoologist’. She saw a large metal circular craft which appeared to have ‘faces’ on its side which flashed in the sun. A housewife in Northamption reported seeing a large object with red flashing lights on top. She said it appeared to be attracted to her neighbor’s tall TV aerial. A man claimed seeing people jump from a UFO. But the police officer who recorded the report in 1985 in Cardiff said the man had claimed the same thing three years before. And one Swindon born man reported seeing a ‘great green ball of fire’ as he was driving his car. The file claims an American 747 captain reported a similar sighting near Shannon, Ireland, on the same day. There are some pundits who believe that everything that has ever been reported by the media is completely true.

“The media is as honest and straight forward as the day is long. It ferrets out the truth and publishes it. It’s always been that way and always will be,” said Media Pundit, a straight-laced humanitarian who believes that the truth as he sees it should always be printed no matter what the facts may be. “We in media are like great seers and soothsayers and people who jot down what we learn therefore it is. And I’ve learned amazing and colossal things and have reported them directly as I’ve seen them in my minds eye because that’s the way a true reporter does things. I’d stay and talk more but I’ve got an experimental date with Betty Lou Tornado and if things work out I’m going to go alien with her. But time will tell. Reality always turns up eventually. Except in Rosie O’Donnell’s case. That girl is way out there.”

In other news, the Associated Press reported that House Democrats are proposing a tax surcharge on millionaires to pay for a big increase in education benefits for veterans of the war in Iraq. Rep. Mike Ross, D-Ark., said “Someone who earns $2 million a year would pay $5,000. … They’re not going to miss it.” The idea earned support from House leaders at a late afternoon meeting of top Democrats, including Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California. No word on why Democrats think people capable of earning $2 million a year are too stupid to notice an extra $5k hit on their taxes, but reality is kind of skittish that way.

(C) 2008

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