Hollywood madam all washed up
Dairy cows living large
May 21, 2008
UK’s News of the World website reported last week that vice queen Heidi Fleiss is broke and running a small-town Laundromat in Nevada named Dirty Laundry. And Chicago Tribune reported that Kirk Christie’s cows in Iowa have it all — a new barn, a flat-screen television and water beds. Debate over getting and giving, living in style or stuck doing laundry; flitters about barns, Laundromats and the edge of your bed.
“Two years ago I had it all, hot women and dairy cow’s, but now ethanol has driven up the cost of corn so high that I’m busted,” said Clem Kadiddlehopper, owner of the Who-U-Jumpin Brothel and Milk House, a Wisconsin entrepreneur currently in Chapter 11 bankruptcy. “I had mammary of all kinds in the palms of my hands and I traded milk and ass like there was no tomorrow. Turned out there was no tomorrow. Dang oil and ethanol tycoons broke me. All I got left is half a deck of playing cards and one U.S. Forever Stamp.”
Some experts think it’s high time that madams go broke and cows get treated like royalty. “Pimps will take your soul and abuse your body and I’ve never had time for either, and that goes for them that traffick in women or cows,” said Mae B. Baby, a hooker and part-time neurosurgeon who thinks independence is best and HD TV and waterbeds are a close second. “And folks who breed and milk cows for their mammary secretion should be giving them TV and waterbeds to kick back with. It’s the least a cow can expect for giving up their bodies that way. About time those Iowa Holsteins get theirs.”
News-of-the-World website reported that former Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss — who lost her fortune after being busted and jailed in 1997 — lives in a trailer in Pahrump, Nevada she shares with twenty parrots she took in when a pet shop closed down. Heidi borrowed money from a friend to open Dirty Laundry. “First I planned to open a brothel here because prostitution is legal,” says Heidi. “But one day I woke up and thought the name Dirty Laundry would be fabulous for a launderette. It’s been two years since I had sex and I don’t care if I ever do it again.” The woman, who once ran America’s most notorious prostitution ring selling sex to the stars in Beverly Hills, is all washed up. Still she took a moment to reminisce about the 8-hour sex marathon she had with Marlon Brando and the 20 orgasm night she had with Jack Nicholson. Some people think tales of TV-watching cows and marathon sex are pipe-dreams.
“There aren’t any cows watching HD TV and having twenty orgasms a night just because some newspapers and old hookers say that there are,” said Curious George, a somewhat confused monkey who has doubts about a lot of things, but still hopes to poke around a little to find out for sure, mainly out of curiosity. “If that sort of thing was going on there’d be whole herds of cows and women flocking to farmers in Iowa. And I don’t think that’s happening. Is it?”
In other news, Osama Bin Laden popped up with a special request last weekend saying that Arab leaders should start ruling their countries the way he personally interprets Muslim rules. No word for sure, but it appears the leaders would rather provide cows with TV’s and spend personal time in hooker-run Laundromats.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com