Environmentalists and 911 Operators Screw Up

Enviro’s Predicted Coming of New Ice Age in 1969
911 Operator Fired for not Giving a Shit

Inebriated Press
May 22, 2008

The Charlotte Observer reported earlier this month that there are some environmentalist predictions that they would prefer we forget. Like the coming Ice Age that has been transformed into Global Warming. And the food shortage that was to starve millions of Americans in the 1970’s. And of course, the 1975 Environmental Fund ads warning, “The World as we know it will likely be ruined by the year 2000.” Meanwhile CNN reported last week that a Nashville 911 dispatcher was fired after telling a caller who complained about her boyfriend, “I don’t really give a shit.” The debate over whether we’ll get in trouble by either answering the call to worship environmentalists, or simply not bothering to give a shit, rages on.

“Environmentalists could learn a thing or two from the stories of Chicken Little shouting that the sky was falling when it wasn’t; and the Boy Who Called Wolf so often that when a real wolf appeared folks just ignored him,” said Takei Chanse, a regular guy with no distinguishable characteristics other than the six toes on his left foot and his tendency to stare at women’s chests. “But they’ve created an industry now and most don’t want to go back to working real jobs so they can’t let reality sneak in. If you explain that they don’t know what’s really going on, they’ll tell you they don’t give a shit about that; they’ve already made up their minds. I guess once you’ve caught the disease of perpetual certainty, there’s no vaccine that’ll cure you.”

Not everyone thinks the environmentalists are ignoring reality. “Environmentalists and smart people like Internet inventor Al Gore know about this stuff and have proof. There are legions of scientists funded by left wing groups and environmental causes that prove the earth has been warming since the end of the Ice Age, and even though the second one that they predicted didn’t come about and now they say it’s getting hotter out instead, they’re still right about everything,” said Constance Murmur, a sincere lapdog who never doubts anyone who speaks with a serious and caring attitude because it means they’re right. “I’ve stopped using lights because they generate heat and I’m thinking about eating only raw foods so I don’t warm up anything. Some people say it’s silly to try to impact the 5% of greenhouse gases that aren’t from the earth itself, but I say it’s that 5% that’s causing the destruction of all life as we know it. The environmentalists are right this time. That Al Gore is such a hottie, don’t you think?”

The Charlotte Observer reported that at the first Earth Day celebration, in 1969, environmentalist Nigel Calder warned, “The threat of a new ice age must now stand alongside nuclear war as a likely source of wholesale death and misery for mankind.” C.C. Wallen of the World Meteorological Organization said, “The cooling since 1940 has been large enough and consistent enough that it will not soon be reversed.” In 1968, Paul Ehrlich, Vice President Gore’s hero and mentor, predicted there would be a major food shortage in the U.S. and “in the 1970s … hundreds of millions of people are going to starve to death.” Ehrlich said 65 million Americans would die of starvation between 1980 and 1989, and by 1999 the U.S. population would have declined to 22.6 million. Ehrlich’s predictions about England were gloomier: “If I were a gambler, I would take even money that England will not exist in the year 2000.”

The Observer article went on to ask: “what makes us think that environmental alarmism is any more correct now that they have switched their tune to manmade global warming?” The article said that over 95 percent of the greenhouse effect is the result of water vapor in Earth’s atmosphere. Without the greenhouse effect, Earth’s average temperature would be zero degrees Fahrenheit. Most climate change is a result of the orbital eccentricities of Earth and variations in the sun’s output. And natural wetlands produce more greenhouse gas annually than all human sources combined.

CNN reported that a Nashville, Tennessee, 911 operator has been fired after he was recorded saying that he didn’t “give a shit” about what happened to a woman who had just called to report her ex-boyfriend was threatening her. Emergency Communications Center spokeswoman Amanda Sluss said that Frank Roth was in training during the February incident and was fired a month later. Roth made the comments after promising police would arrive soon for a woman who called saying her ex-boyfriend held her at knifepoint and later was threatening her. After hanging up with her but while still being recorded, he said, “I really don’t give a shit what happens to you.” It took police three hours to reach the scene after the first call. Teachers of ethics say we should “give a shit” about everything.

“There is nothing so small that we shouldn’t care about it,” said Dick Vulva, a short insignificant ethicist often ignored and never rubbed in the right places by colleagues or fine women. “We should want the good of all things and seek to improve the world and human race by showing compassion and working on continual improvement. And you should always be willing to date ethicists named Dick, especially if your name is Debbi and you’ve been getting a lot of voice mails lately.”

In other news, Russian news agency RIA Novosti reported last week that the town of Komsomolsk in central Ukraine is going to erect a monument to a ‘drunken pig.’ The monument, which portrays a pig lying on its belly with its snout in a trough, will be installed near a local cafe. “This monument symbolizes those people who make pigs of themselves by drinking far too much,” said Oleg Ryabo, the local sculptor responsible. No word on what environmentalists or ethicists think about the monument, or whether anyone really gives a shit.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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