Russians Love New Tsar; Animal-Human Hybrids Good Too

Report shows Putin’s totalitarian regime liked
Brit Prime Minister says human-animal embryo hybrids may save lives

Inebriated Press
May 22, 2008

UK’s Daily Mail newspaper reported last week that a survey of people in Russia show that Putin’s Tsar-like grasp for power and the creation of a new Fascist empire is playing well among the citizens. And the UK Daily Metro reported that Prime Minister Gordon Brown said research using human-animal embryo hybrids should move forward because future treatments for disease may result. Trends toward converting start-up democracies into totalitarian states, and changing people from regular folks into human-animal beings, are ramping up.

“There are clear trends toward consolidation of power in the worlds nation-states with pro-democracy efforts turning into Tsar-ist Fascist states like in Russia, and democratic republics like the U.S. switching to socialist oriented government with significant income redistribution as advocated by both Democrat presidential candidates,” said Filbert Wigglesbottom, a twitchy guy with nutlike qualities largely balanced by brilliance when it comes to Rubik’s cubes and social reform philosophy. “Add to that the tendency of radical Muslims behaving like animals and scientists who think animal-human combinations make good future citizens, and you have a strong trend toward a new age of old traditional survival of the fittest civilization. Robust and healthy Neanderthal bodies, and with them, cave man attitudes lacking any morals or ethics. It sounds kind of fun actually.”

Some people think that backing up the clock just a century or two to old social mores and physical traits is closer to civil society, and they prefer the human race re-jigger their body and statehood clocks back to those settings. “The initial U.S. Constitution provided for greater individual freedoms than we have today with much more limited government. We should dump the current so called ‘patriot clauses’ that allow development of a U.S. police state where agencies are allowed to issue their own search warrants without a judges approval. And the idea of scientists blending human and animals cells together to create who knows what is wrong and should be stopped,” said Cassy Tractor-Roper, a muscular blonde whose rodeo exploits are mythical among guys who chase animals and machines and sometimes catch them. “I know guys who behave like animals and nations that behave like them too, and I don’t see any future in either of them. Tell the Brit Prime Minister to keep his genes to himself and let’s keep animal and human chromosomes out of the same body. And watch Putin like a hawk, and how about we not sign on to the Democrat-Socialist agenda. Shooting craps with genetics and individual freedom is a fool’s game.”

The UK Daily Mail reported that despite the fact that Putin’s Russia is increasingly autocratic and irredeemably corrupt, the man himself – their born-again Tsar – is overwhelmingly regarded as the answer to the nation’s prayers. According to an Independent Experts Report, written by two former high-level Kremlin insiders who have had the courage to speak out, “a criminal system of government [has] taken shape under Putin” in which the Kremlin has been selling state assets cheaply to Putin’s cronies and buying others assets back from them at an exorbitant price. But when you raise the subject, Russians shrug their shoulders: “What’s the problem?” they retort. “That’s how the system works. It will never change.” The article said cynicism and fatalism which eat away at the human psyche have wormed their way into the very DNA of the Russian soul. Citizens feel that Russia can be strong again and Putin can make it that way and if loss of personal freedom and stillborn democracy is the cost, so be it. The piece said the new Prime Minister has brilliantly exploited the patriotism and latent xenophobia of the Russia people to unify them in the belief that they face a major threat from NATO and the United States.

UK Metro reported that Prime Minister Gordon Brown staged an impassioned defense of human-animal embryo research, insisting it could save millions of lives. Brown said developing “hybrid” techniques was an “inherently moral endeavor”. The premier supports scientists who want to insert the nuclei of human cells into animal eggs, creating hybrid embryos which are allowed to grow. Stem cells can then be harvested and used to create brain, skin, heart and other tissue for treating diseases – before the embryos are destroyed. Critics of the hybrid technology have branded it “Frankenstein science”. Some experts say that the combination of humans and animals plus the efficiency of a totalitarian state will bring peace, health and greater efficiency to the world.

“Everyone knows how inefficient governments are, especially those that involve input from all the people and require frequent expensive elections and meetings of parliaments and congress, and we all know that there are weak points in the physical systems of both humans and animals,” said Jean Combo-Powers, a new age mystic, faith healer and steel worker who often moonlights as a National Education Association (NEA) executive. “If we combine the strengths of all physical specimens into human based beings and eliminate all inefficient forms of government we can create the world of super humans that evolution and mystics have been striving for since the dawn of consciousness. Finally we can have a healthful version of humans that will never get sick, may even live forever, and do so in a utopia of efficiency governed by enlightened beings capable of crushing all dissent so that peace and harmony can prevail. I get tingles all over just thinking about it.”

In other news, United Press International reported last Friday that first grade students at Narraweena Primary School in Australia want their teacher back. Lynne Tziolas, 24, was suspended after nude photos of her were published in Cleo magazine in a section called ‘buck naked couples talk about their sex lives’. Reportedly the kids reading habits are way up and many are even asking parents for subscriptions to magazines. No word on whether they represent the first wave of human-animal hybrids or have plans for new nation-states based on sex talk by teachers.

(C) 2008

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