New Viagra-Lipitor Combo?!

Heart Trouble & Erectile Dysfunction Linked
Fix Both With Innovative New Product

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 23, 2008

The Washington Post reported Monday that two studies indicate that erectile dysfunction can be an early warning sign for serious heart disease. Pharmaceutical entrepreneurs are chomping at the bit.

“Lipitor will reduce plaque build-up and keep blood flowing to all parts of the body, and Viagra enhances blood flow to one particular part of the body. By combining these two drugs for men, we can lower their cholesterol and raise their hard-on’s every day,” gushed Hugo Dick II, a pharmaceutical executive who ingests chemicals of all kinds to keep him soft and hard where he wants. “My company intends to blend the drugs carefully together using sausage based grinding machinery. In fact we decided not to name the new drug some hard to remember name and instead are calling it Sausage Pizza. We think guys will be lining up to pop Sausage Pizza to manage their cholesterol and errection’s. We may even hear women encourage their men to stop at the drug store to pick up some Sausage Pizza. This drug business is getting to be a real hoot.”

Like usual, not everyone is so sure the new scheme is a good one. “Men need to diet and eat right for better health. They should stop eating and drinking everything they enjoy so that their cholesterol comes down, and should probably be running fifteen to twenty miles a day so they keep their arteries clear and their dicks working,” said Tom Thumb, an anti-chemical activist who believes in good health through suffering. “Nothing should be easy. Good living requires self sacrifice and if that means nothing you eat tastes good and you’re too beat from exercise to make out, then so be it. You might live longer. I’m sure I will as soon as I beat my suicidal tendencies.”

Washington Post reported that findings from two studies of men with diabetes add to the evidence that erectile dysfunction can be a powerful early warning sign for serious heart disease. A Hong Kong study of 2,306 men with diabetes but no signs of heart disease found that those with erectile dysfunction at the start were 58 percent more likely to have a heart attack or other major cardiac problem over the next four years than those with adequate sexual function. And Italian physicians who followed 291 men who had diabetes and early coronary heart disease for four years reported similar numbers — those with erectile dysfunction were twice as likely as men without the problem to have major adverse events, including strokes.

There’s a physical connection between male sexual failure and heart disease, involving the effect of diabetes on the nervous system and the blood vessels, said Dr. E. Scott Monrad, director of the Cardiac Catheterization Lab at Montefiore Medical Center in New York City. “Neuropathy would interfere with the neurogenic responses feeding into proper erection,” Monrad said. “And obstruction of blood flow into the arteries reduces the pressure needed to achieve erection.” Cholesterol-reducing statins lowered the incidence of cardiac events by a third, the Italian researchers reported, and Viagra and other drugs for erectile dysfunction also appeared to lower the risk, although the reduction was not statistically significant, meaning that it could be due to chance. Nonetheless some women think the men they know shouldn’t wait and need to sign up for the drug cocktail right away.

“Turn loose the Viagra-Lipitor combo and call it Sausage Pizza or whatever you want, I need my man on this stuff ASAP,” said Lucy Libido-Record, a middle-aged department store clerk who says she wants to lose fifteen pounds and do it by setting a personal best in daily love making. “When you combine the health benefits and recreational value of this drug combination I think it should be made part of a new federal government promotion for better health. Heck if we could elect Bill Clinton again he’d have it in a healthcare package. You can bet that when he was leader of the free world he was on all kinds of Sausage Pizza!”

In related news, the UK Metro newspaper reported that scientists claim to have discovered a sex injection that could be better than Viagra. They say a technique which boosts the sex drive of animals could also work with humans. Animals which were injected with a hormone that releases Type 2 gondaotropin, which drives the reproductive system in animals and humans, became more frisky. Lead scientist, Professor Robert Millar said, “This drug would arouse and produce the desire for sex at the same time, in both men and women.”

The article said that female musk shrews and marmoset monkeys injected with doses of the hormone began sending mating signals to their male partners. The musk shrews presented their rumps and wagged their tails, while the monkeys flicked their tongues and moved their eyebrows. Some analysts suggest that former president Bill Clinton experimented with the drug while in office. “He used to shake his ass at me while bobbing his eyebrows,” said Senator Nancy Pelosi. “I just thought he was uncomfortable because his pants were on backwards again.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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