Sexy Coffee and Free Funerals

Topless Espresso gals wear stickers to cover nipples
Air Hogs Baseball does free-funeral promo

Inebriated Press
May 23, 2008

Epicurious reported Monday that at Washington’s Grab ‘N’ Go Espresso, female workers go topless except for stickers covering their nipples; and Minneapolis’ KARE TV reported that a minor league baseball team in Texas is giving away a free funeral, including casket and burial prep fees, to a ‘lucky’ winner. Debate over whether nude coffee shops and free funeral promotions are tasteful heats up.

“Do we really need naked waitresses serving hot coffee and baseball teams giving out caskets in order to entice people to attend ball games and suck down java,” asked Claire Huxtable, a black beauty and debutante occasionally mistaken for a television character. “If you ask me it’s both tasteless and dangerous. I wouldn’t want my naked jugs swinging over scalding coffee no matter how big the tips are. And free burial winners at ball games? Holy cow, just shoot some T-shirts into the stands for crying out loud. People are losing their minds.”

Not everyone sees it the way Huxtable does. “You want to sell something in today’s crowded marketplace, you need to get creative, provocative and then give the customer what they want,” said Hillary Rodham-Clinton, a middle aged blonde woman occasionally mistaken for a presidential candidate. “If people want topless coffee sellers, free funerals and national healthcare, by golly that’s what you deliver. Don’t let higher prices or higher taxes get in the way of a good promotion that sells to the masses. Once you’ve got the money you’re free to do what you want. It’s always worked that way for Billy and me anyhow.”

Epicurious reported that Grab ‘N’ Go Espresso owner Bill Wheeler is unapologetic for running a coffee stand on Highway 99 in Washington State that employs young women who wear nothing but stickers covering their nipples. Its part of a new trend that the article referred to as ‘bikini-barista joints’ and it’s sweeping the Pacific Northwest. “I brought a touch of Vegas back to Washington,” Wheeler says. Other coffee shops are less than pleased. “If you like nipples and third-degree burns, go for it,” says Sara Barnfather. “But it’s not my cup of tea.” Coffee shops that have switched over to the Tits & Ass theme say they’ve seen business triple, and it’s swiftly becoming a matter of either playing by the new rules of the game or simply cashing out.

KARE TV reported that the Grand Prairie Air Hogs, a minor league baseball team in Texas, are hoping that the chance of winning a free funeral will help put fans in the seats when they kick off their inaugural season. The winner will get a casket, all burial prep fees and a plot at Oak Grove Memorial Gardens in Irving. “It’s a wacky promotion to get people’s attention, but on the flip side, everyone’s going to need it,” said the Airhog’s Dave Burke. The giveaway is valued at least at $10,000. Some say it makes sense to appeal to people’s natural fear of uncertainty and interest in breasts.

“When you know that all that’s certain in life is death and taxes, what guy wouldn’t want a good cup of Joe off a sexy gal and then win a funeral that’ll help save your family money they’ll need to pay for new Democrat taxes, like national healthcare,” asked Slim Bender, a scrawny cash-strapped Texan who enjoys buxom women, good coffee and darn near anything that’s free. “Sure beats coffee around a campfire with no one but an old horse, or a thimble of espresso in some poet joint. Give me full jugs and full mugs anytime!”

In other news, Northwest Florida Daily News reported that police arrested a man for calling 911. Police rushed to his home where the man pointed at the moon and asked if it was considered a ‘half moon’. Deputy Mike Brake wrote in his report that he asked the man if he had an emergency and the man said not really, but did have a question about the moon. Reportedly he wasn’t drunk. The guy now faces misdemeanor charges. No word on whether he wishes he’d been gazing at coffee server breasts instead.

(C) 2008

Comments Off on Sexy Coffee and Free Funerals

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.