Space Beer and Stripper Tourists

The Universe Expands on New Trends

Inebriated Press
May 28, 2008

Agence France Presse (AFP) reported yesterday that a Japanese brewery said it is planning to brew “space beer,” using barley once stored at the International Space Station. And AFP reported last week that an Israeli woman visiting New Zealand was so annoyed by wolf-whistling street workers that she shut them up by stripping naked. The benefits of space beer and public nudity for workers represents a new trend in freedom and democracy and maybe even relations with alien life forms.

“Beer production on earth and in space constitutes a clear use of technology for good and may represent a key component in Earth and Martian space relations in the future,” said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin, a promotor of booze on NASA flights and a strong advocate of nude astronaut calendars and pictorials. “Now if female visitors to NASA would strip down for our workers like that Israeli chick did in New Zealand, we’d really enhance morale at NASA. You just can’t underestimate the importance of bare breasts and beer when it comes to scientific exploration.”

Some nay-sayers think that alcohol and nudity already get way too much emphasis in society. “You can’t watch a TV show or movie, or pick up a magazine without seeing some half-naked woman in it and booze and drugs are rife even in day-time television. Heck Miley Cirus, Disney’s 15 year old girl wonder is doing nudity in magazines. Where’s it stop,” asked Modest Mabel-Forthright, a curvy blonde whose conservative dress just barely disguises the goodies squeezed underneath. “Society needs to take a step back from this cliff that we’re running toward. If we won’t restrain ourselves we’re going to lose all portents of modesty and self respect. Reckless abandon is not healthy and that’s true for nudity, drinking and the Democrat national healthcare plan.”

AFP reported that Japanese brewery Sapporo Holdings said it would make beer using the third generation of barley grains that had spent five months on the International Space Station in 2006. Researchers said the project was part of efforts to prepare for a future in which humans spend extended periods of time in space — and might like a cold beer after a space walk. The company will have enough space grain to produce about 100 bottles of beer but has no immediate plan to make it a commercial venture, Sapporo officials said. As of now, scientists have not detected any differences between Earth-grown and space barley.

An Israeli woman tourist visiting New Zealand was waiting to use a cash machine in the main street of the northern town of Kerikeri when road workers whistled, prompting her to take all her clothes off, AFP reported. After extracting her cash, the young woman calmly put her clothes back on and walked away, Police Sergeant Peter Masters said. “She said she had thought, ‘Bugger them, I’ll show them what I’ve got,'” Masters said of the incident. Police spoke to the woman and warned her that stripping naked in public was inappropriate in New Zealand, despite the unusually warm early winter weather. Some experts think that booze and sex is what makes the world go round.

“We’ve been theorizing for some time now just what it is that propels the earth on it’s axis around the sun and what drives the gradual expansion of the universe,” said Revlon Cologne, a scientist and breast lover often mistaken for a beauty product. “We used to think it was energy generated by the ‘big bang’ combined with developing gravitational and electromagnetic fields around the planets. But we have no proof and each time we think we have a theory that makes some sense, it falls apart. We’re thinking now that a combination of sex, drugs and rock’n roll probably have as much to do with maintaining the earth’s balance and trajectory as anything else we’ve come up with. Maybe more. And I’m not just saying that because I enjoy experimental science best.”

In other news, the Silicon Alley Insider reports that Playboy is using YouTube to determine its 55th anniversary playmate, but few users are showing up. The top-viewed entrant, Destiny White of Muncie, Indiana, has a mere 98,890 views over the past month. That’s about 1 million less than Neil Cicierega and his puppets generated on YouTube in a week. No word on whether some space booze would help the Playboy effort or whether there are just too many women tourists stripping down in public for anyone to bother with Playboy anymore.

(C) 2008

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