Barack Obama and Childhood Obesity Level Off

Critics debate whether it’s good or bad

Inebriated Press
May 29, 2008

Associated Press reported yesterday that presidential candidate Barack Obama trails Republican candidate John McCain in several key groups of the electorate but remains competitive in others. After a fast rise in popularity Obama’s ratings have leveled off and he’s even lost key primaries to Democrat challenger, Hillary Clinton. And International Herald Tribune reported that childhood obesity in the U.S. has plateaued after trending higher in the ’80s and ’90’s. As hot candidates go cool and obesity trends go thin pundits are left wondering whether it’s good or bad.

“I think it’s a disaster in the making because we need strong liberal candidates to move the U.S. to the left and chunky kids to keep up the pressure on Congress to enact more federal mandates that require taxes and government control. No American should be making decisions on their own and have to figure out how to live their lives; it’s critical that government tell us what to do,” said Lefty Moore, a closet socialist who slips out occasionally to vote, eat beef jerky and read Maxim. “We’ve got to get the socialist, I mean Democrat party, united and stop the infighting so we can get a good black man and white woman combo working together to knock off the old white guy from the retirement community in Arizona. By knock off I mean defeat in the election, not shot like Hillary’s reference to Robert Kennedy. And I don’t mean a sense of defeat like the feeling that there’s nothing to be proud of in America unless Barack is elected, like Michelle Obama talked about. And people need to stop bringing up the lapel pin thing because Barack only wears pins of causes that he likes, and he’ll wear one again when he’s president. Gosh I feel tired. Where’s my Maxim.”

Other pundits think that the new trends are putting America on the right track. “The leveling off of obesity among U.S. kids is great and the plateauing of the Democrat candidates is also a good thing. Both show that common sense is returning to the country and people are starting to feed their kids better and their minds too,” said Holly Wright, a conservative thinking blonde with a tendency to act with her head rather than rely on interesting fads and novelty products. “Heck even the French have elected a conservative because liberal politics has bankrupted their country. Why would we want to elect Democrats who will establish more government programs and federal control plus give billions of our tax dollars to the United Nations and increase my taxes while reducing my freedom? We’ve been sliding left as it is and we have less personal freedom today than when the country was founded, and obviously more taxes. The federal government wasn’t even allowed to tax citizens in 1776. Consciousness is good kids, let’s keep waking up!”

Associated Press reported that Barack Obama has done poorly in the Democratic primaries with women, Catholics and others who will be pivotal in this fall‘s presidential election. Yet early polling shows that with several groups he remains competitive with Republican John McCain. In an Associated Press-Yahoo News poll last month, about a quarter of Clinton supporters and one in six white Democrats who have not finished college said they would back McCain should Obama be the Democratic nominee, with roughly a quarter of each undecided. Obama trails Clinton by 24 points among voters age 65 and older. McCain is well ahead of Obama in the Gallup and Quinnipiac polls, but they‘re about even in the CBS/Times poll.

International Herald Tribune reported that childhood obesity, which has been on the rise for more than two decades, appears to have hit a plateau in the United States. In 1980, 6.5 percent of children from 6 to 11 years old were obese, but by 1994 that number had climbed to 11.3 percent. By 2002, the number had jumped to 16.3 percent, but it has now appeared to have stabilized around 17 percent. In fact, the number of children who fall into the obese category decreased from 17.1 percent to 15.5 percent between the 2003 and 2006 surveys. It was not clear whether the lull in childhood weight gain was permanent or even whether it was the result of public anti-obesity efforts to limit junk food and increase physical activity in schools. Some people think physical activity and individual freedom are the keys to better living.

“There’s never been a government on earth that established the kinds of individual freedom and human rights that the founders of United States put in place to allow us to pursue our own happiness, and it’s not only created happy people, it’s resulted in the greatest economic and military power in the history of the world. We would be morons to trade that away for some promise of free healthcare through higher taxes and less freedom of choice,” said Buxom Blonde-Bombshell, a healthy American girl who lives up to her name and acts on her right to pursue happiness daily but especially on weekends. “Sure I think it’s good to help poor people and that we should have some programs to assist those who can’t help themselves; but every government guarantee to someone means I have to fund the program, the government bureaucracy that manages it and follow new rules that establish federal controls for compliance. Why don’t we just fix the programs we have and fine-tune them if we think they aren’t working well enough? Why does a new program always have to be invented because the existing one is a mess? Sometimes I think political parties just invent scams to take my money and freedom under the guise of being helpful. Let me pursue happiness the way I want and let’s drop all the controls and bullshit. Just thinking about this stuff gets my panties in a bunch and I don’t wear them as often as I used to.”

In other news, reported Tuesday that a spacecraft orbiting Mars has photographed the Phoenix Mars Lander on the surface of the red planet. Phoenix landed in the north polar region of Mars in the Vastitas Borealis plains on Sunday evening. The $420-million mission, which launched in August, plans to dig down to the rock-hard layers of water ice thought to lie under the Martian soil near the planet’s north pole. It will test the soil and ice for signs that the water was once liquid to see if it could have created a habitable zone for microbial life at some point in the past. No word on whether orbiting NASA spacecraft have spotted any intelligent life in U.S. political parties, but recent studies show an ongoing trend in government toward greater bureaucratic obesity combined with a decrease in citizens’ individual freedoms.

(C) 2008

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