Finding Martian Signals and Breast Implants

Lost and Found: Tales of Martians and Silicon

Inebriated Press
May 30, 2008

The New York Times reported yesterday that the lost satellite radio signal from the Mars Phoenix lander has been restored and the UK Telegraph reported Wednesday that a pair of silicon breast implants are among the items people lost in London’s transportation system. A new era of “lost and found” is upon us and the stuff that dreams are made of shifts beneath our feet like tales told by presidential candidates.

“I’m not sure how I lost my inflatable dolls and breast implants on the bus because I’m usually very attached to them,” said London’s own Barbi Barbi, a thickly muscled blonde whose sexy voice is never lost in translation. “Now the harpoon gun and gas mask is another story because I loaned those to a guy I was with and he should have paid attention to where he put them down. The party won’t be the same if we don’t have all the proper components.”

Some people think that things get lost because deep down we want to lose them. “I lost five pounds on Weight Watchers and two guys who were following me in a bar, all on purpose. But I also lost the Queen for a Day competition at the Jo-Blo Stripper Club because deep down I don’t feel queen-like even though my bod kicks ass,” said Candi Apple-Redd, a clinical psychiatrist who makes most of her money stripping and psychoanalyzing guys at the club. “You remember what you really want to remember and you forget and lose the things that you’d rather forget and lose. The Mars rover signal was lost because the guy running it was pissed that he didn’t get Memorial Day weekend off. The Queen for a Day winner got it because I took a dive and had a sock stuck to the side of one boob. It was a mental thing. Everything is. All the stuff you do or pretend to do is driven by what’s going on in your subconscious. That’s why Obama doesn’t remember that Reverend Wright is a racist America-hater and Hillary thinks she was under sniper fire in Bosnia. You make your reality what you want, sometimes on purpose, sometimes by accident. I think that’s why I have a tattoo that says ‘eat at Joes’ on my ass. I’m still not sure what it means though.”

The New York Times reported that the UHF radio on the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter satellite shut down on Tuesday, blocking communications between mission controllers and the newly arrived spacecraft. It was restored Wednesday evening. The cause of the glitch is undetermined, according to a NASA statement. During the radio silence, the lander carried out instructions that had been sent on Monday. Mission officials said that they expected to begin unlimbering the robotic arm, and to begin digging in the soil within days. The shoveling craft will search for ice under the surface and cook soil in a special oven designed to determine the chemical composition of the sampled materials. Scientists hope to find the kinds of organic compounds that would suggest that life has existed, or could exist, on Mars. Some pundits say NASA is imagining that life was there because it’s what they want to believe, and that no real evidence is present.

The UK Telegraph newspaper reported that breast implants are among the property lost by travelers on London transport systems. The article said that a stuffed puffer fish, a harpoon gun, gas masks, inflatable dolls and a pair of breast implants are waiting to be reunited with careless owners who left them behind on trains, buses and taxis. There is also an extensive array of prosthetic limbs and false teeth, urns of ashes and a postcard dating from 1908. A record 170,000 items of lost property were left on the capital’s transport network over the last year including 32,268 books, 27,946 bags and 25,802 items of clothing. Among the items successfully returned to their owners was a bag containing two human skulls. Police were alarmed at the grisly find but the skulls turned out to belong, quite legitimately, to a university professor who used them in lectures. Equally innocently, a suitcase containing £10,000 in cash turned out to belong to an elderly gentleman who didn’t trust banks and carried his savings with him. Some people say that a lot of things get found but go unreported because no one wants to admit what they are.

“Martians with silicon breast implants temporarily blocked NASA’s UHF radio signal but there’s no way that anyone will admit that’s what’s going on,” said Wolf Mulliner, a part-time conspiracy theorist who earns a living working as a Democrat Party operative and weight lifter. “Martian babes are hot and their boobs are naturally made of silicon, the implants are only there to act as antenna to pick up and translate radio signals. That’s the real reason silicon implants are used in earth women. It’s part of a Martian conspiracy and how Martian government officials eavesdrop on earthlings and learn about our culture as they make plans to invade. The only thing that’s stopped them from taking over the world so far is that most of the implants they’re listening to are in hookers and strippers and the Martian’s view of earthmen are that they’re all drunk and constantly giving money to women for favors. They think earth society may dissolve on its own.”

In related news, media following Democrat candidates for president continue to find wild stories with Barack Obama saying his Uncle liberated Jews from Auschwitz — which could be true if his Uncle is a white Russian. And Hillary Clinton says she needs to stay in the race because there’s still time for Obama to be assassinated. She cited the Robert Kennedy killing as a ‘good’ example. No word on whether either Barack or Hillary think Martians are planning to invade, but both have found plenty of other self-generated baggage that they now prefer to lose.

(C) 2008

Comments Off on Finding Martian Signals and Breast Implants

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.