Monthly Archives: June 2008

iPhone Porn Coming and Victim’s Rights Going

Slumping porn-for-profit industry gets new tech
Supreme Court decides dead victim’s testimony doesn’t count

Inebriated Press
June 30, 2008

TIME reported earlier this month that the technological feats of the new 3G iPhone are key to the coming pornucopia. Leading porn purveyors see the iPhone as a dream come true. Its relatively ample screen size, speedy Web access and ease of use are just part of it. And CNN reported last week that the Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that a convicted killer deserves a new trial because jurors heard testimony that should have been excluded. His ex-girlfriend made the statements shortly before he killed her. Pundits are debating how to keep raw porn out of the hands of children with iPhones, while others wonder if it’s right to keep the raw truth spoken by murder victims from the jury trying their murderer.

“No one should stop information of any kind from being transferred to others who want it. And that’s true for kids who want to play recorded iPhone porn and true for the jury’s who want to hear the recorded words of murder victims before they were killed,” said Babs Masterson, a lean blonde DVD expert who is often seen on the same, but not under that name. “Freedom of expression and freedom of speech demand that there be no prohibitions on the transfer of or the reception of anything. Only the recipient should decide whether they want to have it blocked or filtered or not. Nothing should stand between them and the opportunity to receive it. I got an STD that way, but never mind, that’s another story.”

Not everyone agrees with Masterson. “The government should restrict and control all data being transferred between people by any means. We should not allow the risk of porn getting to children or conservative talk-radio ideas getting to adults, its dangerous and could result in unacceptable behavior,” said Amber Knightly, a limber minx who runs her own juice bar and strip club and is known as a control freak in every possible way. “I think anything should be acceptable for anyone over 18 but before that age a creature shouldn’t even be considered human or have any rights. I think it’s protective to society not to allow them rights or access to information that anyone thinks is harmful. In fact all entities born of a woman should be able to be legally aborted by an over-18 relative up to the age of 18. Except for conservative talk show radio hosts. I’m not sure they’re human at any age. And if there’s any question, I should decide. Other than that, I’m easy.”

TIME reported that Apple may be golden because of the iPhone, but the ‘coming soon’ 3G iPhone device will be the source of forbidden fruit. To date, mobile porn has consisted largely of still images, racy text services and “moan tones,” which are sultry-sounding ringtones. But now, thanks in large part to the iPhone’s video dexterity, short clips are becoming a staple of the mobile porn business. Google Trends, which measures Web buzz, shows a sharp increase over the past year in the popularity of the term “iPhone porn.”

“It’s by far the porn-friendliest phone,” says Devan Cypher, representative for San Francisco–based Sin City Entertainment. As evidence of the gadget’s rocketing popularity in California’s porn capital, the San Fernando Valley, numerous iPhone-specific porn sites have been launched in recent months. Sensing the start of a profitable new era for pocket porn, the adult entertainment industry is investing heavily and feverishly broadening its marketplace of iPhone porn. The industry sees the iPhone 2.0 as having multiple advantages over the first model. The new model will be available in at least 75 countries, enabling content providers to reach new mobile porn viewers all around the world.

CNN reported that the Supreme Court, in a 6-3 vote, reaffirmed the rights of criminal defendants to confront witnesses against them, even in cases where the defendant is responsible for the witness’ absence. The issue arose in the case of Dwayne Giles, arrested in the shooting death of Brenda Avie in 2002, several weeks after she told police that Giles had assaulted her and threatened to kill her. The Court ruled the killer deserves a new trial because jurors heard the testimony of the murder victim. Justice Antonin Scalia said in his majority opinion that domestic violence, though “an intolerable offense,” does not justify “abridging the rights of criminal defendants.” In dissent, Justice Stephen Breyer said the court should have ruled that defendants forfeit their constitutional right to confront witnesses when they are responsible for the witness’ absence from trial. Wednesday’s ruling, Breyer said, “grants the defendant not fair treatment, but a windfall.” Domestic violence experts said they fear the ruling will dissuade victims from going to authorities and make it harder to convict offenders. Some pundits say it’s no big deal since the murder victim is dead anyway and the concept of justice is subjective and relative at best.

“What you say can and will be used against you and maybe others, in a court of law, but only if you’re alive. What you say has no relevance if the person you say it about has killed you, because you’re dead. You forfeit your rights since you lost your life. Tough shit, it’s the Darwinian way and the strong win,” said Adolf Hitler, an innovative government official from a small European country, often misunderstood as a dictatorial tyrant, but who successfully built a strong economy and solid military before disappearing into a bunker. “The Court that decided statements made by dead people are irrelevant is a Supreme one and anything Supreme is right. I was supreme ruler for a while before I died, and I was always right. Those with ultimate power set the rules. They should. Wish I had iPhone Porn back in the bunker. Man was Eva frigid that day.”

In other news, New Zealand’s STUFF reported last week that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner says he suffers from back problems. The 82-year-old Playboy tycoon – who lives with three girlfriends at the infamous Playboy mansion in Los Angeles – is renowned for his womanizing ways, but says his bedroom activities have caused him health problems. He told FoxNews.com: “I have some aches and pains and I have had lower back problems since the 80s. Too much time in bed rustling around with friends!” No word on whether he plans to switch to iPorn, coming soon in a phone near you.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Political promises deja vu

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Hefner ages, forgetful

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The Right to Bear Arms and Have Affairs

Supreme Court Vote Barely Allows You Constitutional Right to Have a Weapon
Bill Clinton Spotted Holding Hands with Hot Chick in Canada

Inebriated Press/Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
June 27, 2008

The New York Times reported yesterday that in a narrow 5-4 vote the U.S. Supreme Court decided for the first time that the Constitution protects an individual’s right to bear arms. And the Edmonton Sun reported Tuesday that when former U.S. president Bill Clinton went to Edmonton for a speaking engagement last week, he was photographed holding the hand of an unidentified woman, rumored to be a campaign worker for his wife, Hillary. The right to bear arms and have affairs is being hotly debated, and narrow decisions for and against are being made daily by a lot of people.

“I feel that it’s my right to bang whomever I want and bang away with my pistol and rifle if I want to, just as long as no innocent Americans get hurt,” said Studs Theatrical, a construction worker and part time exhibitionist who thinks that individual rights trump bull shit. “The government has no constitutional right to tax me but I abide by the laws our Congress passed to take over 20% of my money one way or another, through a host of different local, state and federal taxes. And then I pay my own bills. I was in the military and stood for, and still stand for, freedom for American’s and individual rights. I didn’t have to die to pay for those rights but I know guys who did. The courts have removed our constitutional rights bit by bit and I’m getting sick of it. It’s no wonder the vote was so close on the right to bear arms. This shit keeps up and decent hard working Americans will have to overthrow the government and reestablish the original Constitution and Bill of Rights. Pisses me off that I even have to think like that.”

Not everyone believes that Theatrical is on the right track. “We’re an enlightened country now and the Constitution is an evolving document that needs to change with the times,” said Lacy Illusion, a pretty blonde co-ed whose breasts and tan look great but are both fake. “Times change and we know that the best way to get along with one another and the world is to lay down our arms and adopt a more passive and accepting attitude. If we just talk with terrorists who want to behead us and encourage wider acceptance of their outlooks and views, I’m sure that they’ll become more relaxed about everything. And no American should have a gun or use one. That’s true of both citizens and the military. Nothing good ever comes of having a weapon. Even police accidentally shoot people. They shouldn’t have guns either. And sticks. Pointed sticks are dangerous and should be outlawed. As a society we really need to move quickly along this evolutionary path to enlightened passivism, and put all our energies toward saving bears and cows from cruelty and extinction.”

The New York Times reported that the Supreme Court declared for the first time on Thursday that the Constitution protects an individual’s right to have a gun, not just the right of the states to maintain militias. Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority in the landmark 5-to-4 decision, said the Constitution does not allow “the absolute prohibition of handguns held and used for self-defense in the home.” In so declaring, the majority found that a gun-control law in the nation’s capital went too far in making it nearly impossible to own a handgun. But the court held that the individual right to possess a gun “for traditionally lawful purposes, such as self-defense within the home” is not unlimited. “It is not a right to keep and carry any weapon whatsoever in any manner whatsoever and for whatever purpose,” Justice Scalia wrote. The ruling does not mean, for instance, that laws against carrying concealed weapons are to be swept aside. The court concluded that the amendment protects an individual right to bear arms, but it also said that the right is not absolute, opening the door for more fights in the future.

An Edmonton Sun photo of Bill Clinton holding hands with a smiling young woman has launched a new storm of gossip and speculation for the randy ex-commander-in- chief. The Edmonton Sun reported that when the former U.S. president came to Edmonton for a speaking engagement last Friday, a Sun photographer snapped a picture of Clinton holding the hand of an unidentified woman, who is now rumored to be a campaign worker for his wife, Hillary. A Facebook page belonging to Avra Siegel, and bearing a picture profile that closely resembles the woman holding Clinton’s hand, was taken down within an hour of her name being posted on TMZ.com which linked her to Clinton. It identified Siegel as being from Ann Arbor, Michigan, and an alumnus of New York University. Linkedin.com, another networking site, listed Avra Siegel as a national advance worker on the Clinton campaign. Some people say that guns and sex is always wrong under all circumstances.

“No American should have sex or possess a weapon of any kind,” said Hazel Whistlebottom, a used book store owner and one of few women who sound more intelligent when blowing a tune out of her ass. “I am against sex and violence and the tools that make them possible. All men should be castrated at birth and deigned anything that may potentially hurt another person. The only men who should be allowed genitalia and a small stick pin are Democrat congressmen who will perpetuate a progressive agenda and children who inherit near perfection. In the future we’ll use cloning technology and make men irrelevant altogether. A glorious day awaits us. We just need to lay down our arms and eliminate all the men. Actually I think that’ll be found in the U.S. Constitution when the Supreme Court looks hard enough.”

In other news, the UK Telegraph reported Tuesday that Adolf Hitler took time out from running Nazi Germany to make jokes at the expense of his henchmen, a new book claims. According to a book by the last surviving member of his bunker, Hitler recounted how Mrs. Goering found her husband waving a baton over his underwear in the bedroom and asked him what he was doing. “He replied: “I am promoting my underpants to OVERpants””, Hitler then joked. Hitler was said to be so proud of his joke that he had medals made from gold and silver paper for Goering to wear on his pajamas. The Fuhrer’s sense of humor, which included disturbing jokes about concentration camp victims, has been revealed in a book called The Last Witness, to be published in Britain later this year. No word on whether Hitler felt the passivism of the Jews during World War II made them more enlightened.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Obama Win’s Monkey God Endorsement

One mans god runs another mans business school
Maybe he can run our country too

Inebriated Press
June 26, 2008

Diligent Media (DNA) reported earlier this month that U.S. presidential candidate Barack Obama was seeking blessings from the Hindu god Hanuman in his battle for the White House. Yesterday he got his wish. The UK Metro reported Tuesday in an article entitled, “Hindu god endorses Obama” that a dozen priests have been chanting around a sacred fire in New Dehli as a group of Indians offered prayers to the Hindu monkey god Hanuman to grant victory to Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. Earlier this month CNN reported that the monkey god had been named chairman of an Indian business school. Some pundits say Obama is pulling out all the stops in his quest for power, while others say that a candidate who trafficks with monkey gods, America hating preachers and unrepentant pentagon bombers is simply leading a colorful life.

“Who doesn’t hang around guys who want to blow up the Pentagon or worship monkey gods, I mean really, it’s not a big deal,” said Benedict Arnold, a freelancing soldier of fortune who prefers not to be seen wearing an American flag lapel pin but who likes fake presidential seals. “Heck Hitler trafficked in the occult and he was a successful leader. And JFK was Catholic but he didn’t let it interfere with his banging Marilyn Monroe and a host of other chicks. So what if Obama is a Christian-Hindu-Muslim monkey god worshiper. It’s not like he’s going to be the most powerful man in the world and hangs out with strange people for friends. Well, okay, let’s forget I said that. How about, he’s just a guy who wants to bring change to America. You can’t argue that his presidency wouldn’t do that!”

NDTV reported yesterday that priests are performing a special havan at Sankat Mochan Hanuman temple for Barack Obama. Their prayers and good wishes are meant to help Obama become president. “A Hanuman devotee is going to become the most powerful man on earth and so we decided to send him a Hanuman idol after six months of consideration,” says Braj Mohan Bhama, a priest at the temple. And after the havan, they will send a 15 kg hanuman, built specially for the Senator, to America. DNA reported earlier this month that the 46-year-old senator from Illinois, who defeated his rival Hillary Clinton in an epic 17-month long electoral battle for Democratic party nomination, carries a “tiny monkey god” representing “Hanuman” with him for good luck. The article said: “It’s unusual. But, it’s a fact. Barack Obama, the presumptive Democratic party’s presidential nominee, is seeking the blessings of Hindu god Hanuman in his battle for the White House.”

DNA said that Obama, whose father was a Kenyan and mother a white woman from Kansas, spent initial days of his life in Indonesia where Hinduism is a popular religion. The UK Metro wrote yesterday that several dozen people attended the prayers held at a Hanuman temple saying they believed an Obama victory would bring positive change around the world. Local businessman Brij Mohan Bhama, who organised the event, said a victory would be good for India and the rest of world ‘because he stands for change.’ Canadian Press reported that Braj Mohan Bhama said he got the idea for Tuesday’s event after reading reports in Indian media that among the many good luck charms Obama carries is a replica of Hanuman.

Hanuman is one of the most popular gods in the crowded pantheon of Hindu deities, and was made chairman of Sardar Bhagat Singh College of Technology and Management in northern India this year. CNN reported on June 7th that Hanuman, the popular god known for his strength and valor, was named official chairman of the recently opened business school. The article said the position comes with an incense-filled office, a desk and a laptop computer. Four chairs will be placed facing the empty seat reserved for the chairman and all visitors must enter the office barefoot, said Vivek Kangdi, the school’s vice chairman. CNN said all Hindus know that Hanuman can lift mountains and leap oceans, but ancient texts make no mention of his business acumen. Pundits say that if the monkey god can run a business school he can run the United States of America.

“It’s high time we throw out the clowns who have been running the White House and let Obama channel the monkey god and take over the country,” said Speaker of the House, Democrat Nancy Pelosi, running her hands up and down her sides and making slurping sounds. “I am my own god, but if Barack wants to follow some kind of monkey thingy, more power to him. Whatever it takes to turn this country sharply to the left is all I really care about. That and my mansion back home and keeping my face-lift in tact and my boobs perky. Maybe the monkey can give me some tips on that. You think?”

In related news, Abraham Lincoln and George Washington are reportedly spinning in their graves at the idea that American’s would seriously consider electing a one-term Senator with Pentagon bombers for friends, an America hating pastor for twenty years, and an indicted Chicago gangster as his buddies. But someone channeling Marilyn Monroe said not to worry. “As long as he doesn’t turn on his handlers after he’s elected he won’t be assassinated like JFK was. That’s the main thing,” the medium said. “What he does really isn’t important as long as it brings change.” No word on how the monkey god feels about it.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Obama’s ‘Presidential Seal’ vs. Breast-Powered Generators

Obtaining Power by Science or Osmosis

Inebriated Press
June 25, 2008

Reuters reported Monday that Barack Obama used a large round seal on his podium at a Chicago event last week which resembled the official presidential seal, with a picture of a bald eagle on it and the words “Vero Possumus,” a Latin expression that means “Yes, we can.” And Adrienne So reported in Slate Monday on a theory to tap the power of breast motion, and referenced an existing solar-powered bra that generates enough energy to power an iPod. Debate over whether power can be tapped by pretending to be president or by harnessing the movement of breasts, is squeezing out like 34D’s trapped inside a 32B brassiere.

“You may be able to harness the energy of bouncing boobs but the idea that you can obtain power by pretending you’ve already got a presidential seal is like Iran’s Ahmadinejad saying his planned destruction of Israel is an example of his benevolence. It’s stupid, arrogant and borders on irrational,” said Stacy Ann Brown-Areola, a buxom and well tanned historian and political analyst, currently working at the Twelve-By-Seven Zulu Lounge in Albuquerque. “I’m a free thinker and fairly broad-minded but Obama’s ‘presidential seal’ is arrogance at best. It’d be hokey if a high school kid did it, but this guy thinks he can be president of the most powerful country in the world. The guy won’t wear an American flag lapel pin but he puts fake presidential seals on his podium! This isn’t how a statesman behaves. He’s a guy pretending to be president hoping that’ll make it happen. Yikes.”

Not everyone sees it the way Brown-Areola does. “You do whatever you can to get an edge and if some ideas don’t work, you try something else,” said Robin Pinkk-Cleavage, a slender red-headed electrician whose lithe physique masks the wiry muscle of a defense contractor on steroids. “You test, you probe, you experiment, especially early on in a campaign. Later you refine it, deny what you want to forget or spin it onto some low-level lackey and only claim the big prizes as your own. It worked for Bill Clinton, a young governor who banged chicks in office and lied to a grand jury and won two presidential terms. Obama doesn’t have Clinton’s experience and nobody knows what he’ll really do. He’s done a pretty good job of deflecting attention off his tax hikes and shifts in power to the government he wants, while chatting about presidential seals, old pastors and other irrelevant stuff. He’ll win the election. His slight of hand will have people looking at a fake seal in one hand while he pockets the real one with the other. He’s a smooth operator. I’m not sure who runs him but he’s a great front.”

Reuters reported that Barack Obama’s presidential campaign is retiring a presidential seal that made its debut at a Chicago event last week. The seal, which resembled the official presidential seal, had a picture of a bald eagle on it. A phrase inscribed above it read “Vero Possumus,” a Latin expression that roughly translates to the campaign’s slogan, “Yes, we can.” The seal helped complete a presidential-looking setting as Obama sat at the head of a U-shaped table with Democratic governors in a stately hall of a Chicago museum. In addition to the seal on the podium, blue curtains adorned the backdrop along with a row of flags. The seal drew a mixed response from voters and the Obama campaign quickly said it was just a one-time thing. There was no explanation as to the reason for the creation and use of the seal at all.

Adrienne So wrote in Slate that she loves sports but has always found the concept of breasts bothersome. Then one day recently she had an idea. As she rode public transportation to the office, her messenger bag slung uncomfortably across her chest, she thought, “Why not put the girls to work?” She contacted LaJean Lawson, a former professor of exercise science at Oregon State University, who has studied breast motion since 1985 and now works as a consultant for companies like Nike to develop better sports bra designs. Lawson was enthusiastic about So’s idea but warned it would be tricky to pull off. Lawson explained that breasts move on three different axes: from side to side, front to back, and up and down. The most motion is generated on the vertical axis. The bigger the breast, the more momentum it generates. Still, power generation from breast movement may be possible. So concluded, “Maybe it’s not very sexy to see breasts as a pair of batteries, but oil prices are so high, people are jogging to work. It may be time for breasts to start pulling their own weight.” A company called Triumph International Japan recently unveiled a solar-powered bra that supposedly will generate enough energy to power an iPod. Some pundits say it’ll take a bunch of breast wearers to give Obama the presidency.

“Barack has 90 percent of the black vote and Hillary Clinton a high percentage of the women’s vote, so it’s important to Obama that he gets all the votes and energy that’s pent up in the breasts of the gals who backed Hillary while she was running for president,” said Heather Mammary-Glandz, an energy-filled middle-aged blonde account executive, who moonlights as a mud wrestler most weekends. “The power within the female breast cannot be underestimated. In the future we’ll choose all the presidents of the U.S. and with kinetically powered bras will free the country from energy dependency on Arab terrorists. If women in the Middle East would throw off their veils and burn their old bras and then take power for themselves, we could join together and make a women’s revolution that would change the world as we know it. But first things first, we need to vote for John McCain.”

In other news, Wired reported last week that IXs Research has developed a talking robotic teddy bear that not only gives you directions, it’ll tell you when you’ve had too much to drink. If it catches a whiff of the one you had for the road, it’ll ask, “You haven’t been drinking, have you?” Accelerate too hard or brake too quickly and it yells, “Watch out!” The article said the bear will be available in Japan soon, and the head of iXs Research says the company would like to offer robotic navigation systems “in other shapes and characters.” No word on whether they’ll come in the design of presidential seals or be powered by the breasts of women drivers.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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It’s the End of the World as We Know it

Women want bigger asses and hybrid car drivers

Inebriated Press
June 24, 2008

WFTV Orlando reported last Friday that a Miami-Dade County man was charged with practicing medicine illegally at parties where women take shots of silicone to make their butts bigger. And The Australian reported on Saturday that a study conducted by the US Department of Energy and General Motors found that 88 per cent of women say they’d rather hang with a guy who owns the latest fuel-efficient car than a sports car. Women’s quest for a bigger ass and men who value fuel efficiency, is clashing with guys wanting hot cars and chesty women. Some pundits say it’s another sign that Western civilization is on decline and like the hordes that overran Rome, another push by Al Qaeda and Iran will put America and the West on its back.

“I remember the old days when a woman wanted a small ass and a guy with a Porsche convertible, but I guess 1974 is long gone,” said someone claiming to be Barry Manilow, a former singer now a local steel company executive, who once used his weak features and lovey-dovey songs to get hot women. “Times change, I understand that, but the changes we’ve got now mean that civilization has come loose from its foundation. Heck even today my wife of fifteen years doesn’t want a bigger ass but I guess it’s the future and the future is now. And I’m fine with hybrid cars, but it wouldn’t cross my mind that I could pick up modern big-assed chicks with it. My brain is scrambled even more than usual by this shit.”

Some people believe that the new trends reflect women’s new view of themselves and don’t necessarily mean that the U.S. is on the verge of collapse. “Women aren’t waiting around to build a career or big ass until after they’re married, they want it all now. That’s why girls under 16 have pregnancy pacts in Massachusetts while others the same age are getting silicon stuffed into their chests,” said Marcella Maidrite, a hot looking woman of unknown age and origin. “Why wait if you can get what you want today, like a bigger ass, knocked up during recess, or a car that burns less gas. Or better still, get a guy who drives a gas-saver who’ll tote you and your big ass around so you don’t have to pay for gas at all. Some people say I’m a user but the fact is, guys will volunteer if you rub’em right. It’s a fair trade.”

WFTV Orlando reported that the Florida Department of Health announced the arrest last Thursday of Anthony Donnell Solomon for the unlicensed practice of a health care profession. Investigators said they learned Solomon was providing cosmetic procedures for women at so-called “pumping parties” in May. They said Solomon was giving women shots of silicone to make their butts bigger. Authorities set up a fake party at a hotel and arranged for Solomon to attend. Investigators said he was arrested after he agreed to inject an undercover detective. The state said Solomon has never been licensed by the Florida Department of Health, which has warned that silicone injections can be harmful and potentially cause serious infections.

The Australian newspaper reported that according to research conducted by the US Department of Energy and General Motors (GM), nearly nine out of 10 women (88 per cent) say they’d rather chat up someone who owns the latest fuel-efficient car versus the latest sports car. Eighty per cent of American car buyers would find someone with the latest fuel-efficient car more interesting to talk to at a party than someone with the latest sports car. And, more than 4 out of 10 (45 per cent) 18- to 43-year-olds say it’s a fashion faux pas nowadays to have a car that’s not green or environmentally friendly. The article went on to say that Edward Gibbon, author of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, believed the Roman Empire fell because Romans had become weak and effeminate, unwilling to live a tougher, manly, military lifestyle. The story said the GM study confirms that Gibbon was right about the Romans then and the Americans today. Some pundits say it was only a matter of time before America stopped resisting future decline and began to embrace it.

“It’s a proven fact that if you lean on America long enough it caves in,” said Ho Chi Minh, a Vietnamese philosopher whose early missive ‘Big Assed Women: The Key to America’s Decline’ went unread by millions. “Any time you see a group embrace what they once resisted — like women who resisted getting a big ass, now pumping them up before they naturally occur; and politicians like Barack Obama, offering to pull out of Iraq immediately because Iran wants it; you find a Seachange that won’t be turned back. A handful of rural folks remain clinging to god and guns and hoping that the country won’t go under, but it’s a false hope. Obama knows better and that’s why he’s getting in front of the trends and leading the change. Smart politicians are like that. They sense what’s already happening and then get in front of it. Socialism and decline like wine and French politics go hand in hand. And once they’ve got you, they don’t let go easily.”

In other news, Reuters reported Sunday that the Chinese promoted a policewoman who breastfed babies orphaned during last month’s earthquake. Jiang Xiaojuan, 30, left her own baby with her parents and took part in the disaster relief work, breastfeeding nine babies, earning her the nickname of “the police mum” in the press. She has since been awarded titles of “hero and model police officer” and “excellent member of the Communist Party.” No word on whether she has an artificially large ass or hits on guys who drive hybrid cars, but some say she’s got jugs tougher than the Roman Empire and every bit as manly. Whatever that means.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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