Daily Archives: June 2, 2008

Craving: Cool Whip, Kool-Aid & Chocolate Penises

Craving: Cool Whip, Kool-Aid & Chocolate Penises
Rejigering Some Old Favorites

Inebriated Press
June 2, 2008

A Swedish newspaper called The Local reported last week, that a 28-year-old man is headed to court after becoming so enamored with a chocolate penis and a Playboy bunny that he decided to stuff both in his pants and leave the store without paying. And Financial News USA reported that Kraft is reformulating Kool-Aid and adding the antioxidant vitamin E to the mix. Meanwhile the Southtown Star reported that Kraft has introduced Cool Whip in 7-ounce aerosol spray cans. Tales of tasty treats busting out of old containers and old formulas has consumers pilfering the new wares and panting like girls and guys on their wedding night.

“I’m so juiced about the Vitamin E spiked Kool-Aid that I’m going to drop some Viagra with it, eat a few chocolate penises and load up on aerosol Cool Whip for a night out on the town,” said Tasters Choice, an old brand longing for companionship and something new. “I might be hot and instant but it’s still tough to develop stable long term relationships. I dream about the day that I get reformulated. Preferably by a big busty blonde waitress who knows her way around a diner.”

Some people say the more things change the more they remain the same. “Desert toppings, sweet drinks and chocolate have long been staples of American cuisine and a little tweak in shape, storage container or vitamin content doesn’t do much to the fundamental treat,” said Goeslo I. Limp, a postal recipient who wears the same underwear for weeks at a time because he thinks change is irrelevant. “Now if presidential candidates were straight with the American people, that’d be something.”

The Local reported that a Gothenburg man visiting a condom shop with his fiancée was unable to control a strange urge and stuffed a chocolate penis and a Playboy bunny into his pocket and left the store without paying. The man said he thought of giving the items to his fiancée as a present until he was caught with the chocolate penis protruding from his back pocket. During questioning the man admitted to taking the dildo delicacy, but initially denied snatching the bunny. The article said that had the man come clean and pleaded guilty to stealing both items, which have a combined value of $25.00, he could have resolved the matter by simply paying a fine. Instead his lie has landed him in court, where he will once again be asked to explain why he attempted to pilfer the chocolate penis.

Financial News USA reported that Kraft Foods Inc. (NYSE: KFT) has reformulated several of its Kool-Aid drinks and launched a new Kool-Aid water beverage to revitalize the brand and bring it more in line with Kraft’s nutritional guidelines. The company said it added antioxidant vitamin E to its sugar-sweetened Kool-Aid formula and changed its formula for its Kool-Aid Singles so that one packet can be used to flavor 17 ounces of water. Previously, two packets were needed.

The Southtown Star reported that Kraft Cool Whip, recently launched in a 7-ounce aerosol spray can, is getting rave reviews. Wrote reviewers: I don’t want to like Cool Whip. I really don’t. It’s basically coconut and palm oils, water, sugar and air, you know. Not exactly health food. And if you really want to get freaked out, read some of the sites that turn up when you Google Cool Whip. Lots of scary stuff about the product containing lube oil and solidifying instead of breaking down when you leave it out for 12 days. That said, I love whipped topping. It’s like eating sweet, fluffy clouds. And now you can spray an even, decorative layer of Cool Whip from an aerosol can! Some foodies think that using Kool-Aid to wash down an evening of licking chocolate and whipped topping off the various body parts of someone you care about is better than cats’ pajamas or Biggie fries.

“I love it, gosh I just love it all so much,” gushed Moon Beam Pie, a sweet blonde vixen and the executive director of Eat It All and Swallow Hard, an alternative food use club for hard core consumers of sweet stuff, contained and not. “I’m addicted to sugar and proud of it. I’ll buy it or steal it and eat it in any form at any time from any container. It’s a blessing and a curse. If only I had more than five senses.”

In other news, the Palm Beach Post reported last week that a car carrying a nude couple smashed a road sign and struck a utility pole north of Fort Pierce, according to a St. Lucie sheriff’s report. Megan Marie Douglas, 18, of Fort Pierce, told St. Lucie County sheriff’s deputies that she and Robert Van Hooser Jr., had just had sex. Douglas was charged with drug possession and driving under the influence, according to the report. No word on whether they were also slippery with whipped topping or had recently stolen some chocolate penises.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Wedded Bliss: Genders and Species are the Same

California Court says Tradition Prejudicial; Same Sex Marriage OK’d
European Court Petitioned to Declare Chimp a Person; And Why Not?
In the Battle for Freedom, Natural Law Dies Hard

Inebriated Press
June 2, 2008

The Los Angeles Times reported last month that the California Supreme Court has struck down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage in a broadly worded decision that will invalidate virtually any law that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation. And Yahoo! News reported that Matthew, a 26-year-old chimp, is headed to court in Europe as part of a human effort to classify him as a person. Old traditions and prejudice break down as life forms in the new age redefine who and what they are, and free themselves from the constraints foisted upon them by moralists and Natural Law enthusiasts claiming common sense as their own.

“Ideas of tradition, so called natural law, and even the rule of law are all inventions that need to be challenged and overturned if we are to continue our march toward progress and ultimate freedom,” said Chaos Theory, a new age philosopher and vegetarian whose faith in random chance is exceeded only by his belief that he is his own god. “There should be no restriction on who marries whom, be that human, animal, vegetable or mineral. Those who think marriage is a tradition that should remain between a human man and human woman, as they’ve been traditionally defined, and that legal domestic unions are okay instead, forget that in order to make progress we must destroy all ideas that hinder complete freedom. Some people think that definitions of words and social structures should remain the same and that if they change confusion may result. But that’s what life is all about. Chaos, confusion and change are the natural order of things and drive growth and expansion in the universe. Complete and utter freedom to be anything, do anything and make all meanings the same for all things is a harmonic natural randomness that is beautiful. Except when I order coffee at Starbucks, then they’d better get my order right or I’m pissed.”

Not everyone feels that traditions stop progress or that complete freedom is always best. “The tradition of marriage like the tradition of America’s ‘right to pursue happiness’ provide stability and meaning to society and should not be made into something that they’re not,” said Rosie Idea, a stripper and part time philosopher from Queens whose belief that some traditional things are so proper that she never added silicon to her perky 34D’s. “We shouldn’t redefine the foundations of American society, country and culture when it’s resulted in the best nation on earth. We need to break down slavery, servitude, irrational prejudice against people who are different than we are and all that, but we shouldn’t destroy our fundamental values, traditions and beliefs. At best freedom without restraint is chaos, and at worst it results in tyranny. Anyone who doesn’t believe that hasn’t seen the club I work in when the bouncers don’t show up.”

The Los Angeles Times reported that in a 4-3 ruling the California Supreme Court declared that the state Constitution protects a fundamental “right to marry” that extends equally to same-sex couples. The majority opinion, by Chief Justice Ronald M. George, declared that any law that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation will from this point on be constitutionally suspect in California in the same way as laws that discriminate by race or gender, making the state’s high court the first in the nation to adopt such a stringent standard. Mercury News reported that California Attorney General Jerry Brown urged the California Supreme Court to finalize its ruling legalizing gay marriage, opposing efforts by foes of same-sex marriage to freeze the decision until after a possible vote in November. Brown’s office filed the arguments in response to a request last week from gay-marriage opponents for the Supreme Court to stay its ruling, which declared California’s ban on same-sex weddings unconstitutional. Opponents of the decision said that the Supreme Court should postpone the ruling to avoid legal chaos around the state.

Yahoo! News reported that animal rights activist and teacher Paula Stibbe, along with the Vienna-based Association Against Animal Factories (AAAF), says she wants Matthew Hiasl Pan, a chimpanzee, declared a person. The appeal has been filed in the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, France. The article said that beyond the legal challenges, anthropologists say chimpanzees are not humans, though without a clear definition of what it means to be human, backing that claim up is a challenge perhaps fit for some great courtroom drama. Stibbe says she can become the primate’s legal guardian only if Matthew is declared a person. Under Austrian law, only humans are entitled to have guardians. “Everybody who knows him personally will see him as a person,” Stibbe told the Evening Standard. If Matthew the chimp were declared a person, scientists foresee it would open a messy can of worms. What about other animals, like dogs and dolphins: A chimp-is-a-person ruling could trigger similar court cases in support of non-human animals getting human status, said Sarah Brosnan of Georgia State University. Some people think it’s high time that old ideas of what constitutes a human being are tossed out and the world is viewed through the eyes of nonlinear metaphysical truth.

“All life and being has ups and downs and ins and outs, and freedom and chaos are truth and beauty constrained only by pain, gravity and closed imagination,” said String Theory, a clever man recently declared nonexistent by his wife and found alone in his living room with one chair and a channel changer. “Freedom is the greatest of all and if anything is worshiped that should be it. Polygamist sects where 40 year old men have sex with 14 year old girls should be free to go ahead and do whatever they want. All species should be declared people by law and marriage at any age to any species for any reason should be allowed and respected. A dog humping your leg should be acknowledged as a marriage proposal and the two should be united as nature intends. Never mind that caught in the theory of evolution are behaviors considered deviant, the reality is that if something happens then its okay. Hitler was one of the greatest practitioners of freedom through chaos and he nearly conquered the world and set us all on a path toward greater self knowledge and Superman supremacy. Of course it wasn’t so good for the Jews and a few others, but then if all beings are the same and anything goes, all moral law is only imaginary and traditional and can be cast aside. Just be sure to leave me alone. And keep my cable TV working. I pay my bills and expect service damn it. The customer is always right. That should be the only constant in new age moral law.”

In other news, Slate reported that New York City is working on a plan to deploy a special ambulance to collect the bodies of people who have died suddenly from heart attacks, accidents and other emergencies and try to preserve their organs. Thanks to improving technology, organs that were previously useful only to their owners are now useful to other people, too. The article said that this has created pressure on doctors to think about dying people as resources, not just as patients. This pressure, in turn, has driven a movement to loosen organ-collection rules so that people who aren’t yet brain-dead can be prepped for harvesting. No word on what old traditional moralists think, but the guess is they’ll probably want people to actually be dead before chopping out their parts and selling them to others. Silly rabbits. They just don’t want to let go of old traditions.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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