Craving: Cool Whip, Kool-Aid & Chocolate Penises

Craving: Cool Whip, Kool-Aid & Chocolate Penises
Rejigering Some Old Favorites

Inebriated Press
June 2, 2008

A Swedish newspaper called The Local reported last week, that a 28-year-old man is headed to court after becoming so enamored with a chocolate penis and a Playboy bunny that he decided to stuff both in his pants and leave the store without paying. And Financial News USA reported that Kraft is reformulating Kool-Aid and adding the antioxidant vitamin E to the mix. Meanwhile the Southtown Star reported that Kraft has introduced Cool Whip in 7-ounce aerosol spray cans. Tales of tasty treats busting out of old containers and old formulas has consumers pilfering the new wares and panting like girls and guys on their wedding night.

“I’m so juiced about the Vitamin E spiked Kool-Aid that I’m going to drop some Viagra with it, eat a few chocolate penises and load up on aerosol Cool Whip for a night out on the town,” said Tasters Choice, an old brand longing for companionship and something new. “I might be hot and instant but it’s still tough to develop stable long term relationships. I dream about the day that I get reformulated. Preferably by a big busty blonde waitress who knows her way around a diner.”

Some people say the more things change the more they remain the same. “Desert toppings, sweet drinks and chocolate have long been staples of American cuisine and a little tweak in shape, storage container or vitamin content doesn’t do much to the fundamental treat,” said Goeslo I. Limp, a postal recipient who wears the same underwear for weeks at a time because he thinks change is irrelevant. “Now if presidential candidates were straight with the American people, that’d be something.”

The Local reported that a Gothenburg man visiting a condom shop with his fiancée was unable to control a strange urge and stuffed a chocolate penis and a Playboy bunny into his pocket and left the store without paying. The man said he thought of giving the items to his fiancée as a present until he was caught with the chocolate penis protruding from his back pocket. During questioning the man admitted to taking the dildo delicacy, but initially denied snatching the bunny. The article said that had the man come clean and pleaded guilty to stealing both items, which have a combined value of $25.00, he could have resolved the matter by simply paying a fine. Instead his lie has landed him in court, where he will once again be asked to explain why he attempted to pilfer the chocolate penis.

Financial News USA reported that Kraft Foods Inc. (NYSE: KFT) has reformulated several of its Kool-Aid drinks and launched a new Kool-Aid water beverage to revitalize the brand and bring it more in line with Kraft’s nutritional guidelines. The company said it added antioxidant vitamin E to its sugar-sweetened Kool-Aid formula and changed its formula for its Kool-Aid Singles so that one packet can be used to flavor 17 ounces of water. Previously, two packets were needed.

The Southtown Star reported that Kraft Cool Whip, recently launched in a 7-ounce aerosol spray can, is getting rave reviews. Wrote reviewers: I don’t want to like Cool Whip. I really don’t. It’s basically coconut and palm oils, water, sugar and air, you know. Not exactly health food. And if you really want to get freaked out, read some of the sites that turn up when you Google Cool Whip. Lots of scary stuff about the product containing lube oil and solidifying instead of breaking down when you leave it out for 12 days. That said, I love whipped topping. It’s like eating sweet, fluffy clouds. And now you can spray an even, decorative layer of Cool Whip from an aerosol can! Some foodies think that using Kool-Aid to wash down an evening of licking chocolate and whipped topping off the various body parts of someone you care about is better than cats’ pajamas or Biggie fries.

“I love it, gosh I just love it all so much,” gushed Moon Beam Pie, a sweet blonde vixen and the executive director of Eat It All and Swallow Hard, an alternative food use club for hard core consumers of sweet stuff, contained and not. “I’m addicted to sugar and proud of it. I’ll buy it or steal it and eat it in any form at any time from any container. It’s a blessing and a curse. If only I had more than five senses.”

In other news, the Palm Beach Post reported last week that a car carrying a nude couple smashed a road sign and struck a utility pole north of Fort Pierce, according to a St. Lucie sheriff’s report. Megan Marie Douglas, 18, of Fort Pierce, told St. Lucie County sheriff’s deputies that she and Robert Van Hooser Jr., had just had sex. Douglas was charged with drug possession and driving under the influence, according to the report. No word on whether they were also slippery with whipped topping or had recently stolen some chocolate penises.

(C) 2008

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