Wedded Bliss: Genders and Species are the Same

California Court says Tradition Prejudicial; Same Sex Marriage OK’d
European Court Petitioned to Declare Chimp a Person; And Why Not?
In the Battle for Freedom, Natural Law Dies Hard

Inebriated Press
June 2, 2008

The Los Angeles Times reported last month that the California Supreme Court has struck down the state’s ban on same-sex marriage in a broadly worded decision that will invalidate virtually any law that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation. And Yahoo! News reported that Matthew, a 26-year-old chimp, is headed to court in Europe as part of a human effort to classify him as a person. Old traditions and prejudice break down as life forms in the new age redefine who and what they are, and free themselves from the constraints foisted upon them by moralists and Natural Law enthusiasts claiming common sense as their own.

“Ideas of tradition, so called natural law, and even the rule of law are all inventions that need to be challenged and overturned if we are to continue our march toward progress and ultimate freedom,” said Chaos Theory, a new age philosopher and vegetarian whose faith in random chance is exceeded only by his belief that he is his own god. “There should be no restriction on who marries whom, be that human, animal, vegetable or mineral. Those who think marriage is a tradition that should remain between a human man and human woman, as they’ve been traditionally defined, and that legal domestic unions are okay instead, forget that in order to make progress we must destroy all ideas that hinder complete freedom. Some people think that definitions of words and social structures should remain the same and that if they change confusion may result. But that’s what life is all about. Chaos, confusion and change are the natural order of things and drive growth and expansion in the universe. Complete and utter freedom to be anything, do anything and make all meanings the same for all things is a harmonic natural randomness that is beautiful. Except when I order coffee at Starbucks, then they’d better get my order right or I’m pissed.”

Not everyone feels that traditions stop progress or that complete freedom is always best. “The tradition of marriage like the tradition of America’s ‘right to pursue happiness’ provide stability and meaning to society and should not be made into something that they’re not,” said Rosie Idea, a stripper and part time philosopher from Queens whose belief that some traditional things are so proper that she never added silicon to her perky 34D’s. “We shouldn’t redefine the foundations of American society, country and culture when it’s resulted in the best nation on earth. We need to break down slavery, servitude, irrational prejudice against people who are different than we are and all that, but we shouldn’t destroy our fundamental values, traditions and beliefs. At best freedom without restraint is chaos, and at worst it results in tyranny. Anyone who doesn’t believe that hasn’t seen the club I work in when the bouncers don’t show up.”

The Los Angeles Times reported that in a 4-3 ruling the California Supreme Court declared that the state Constitution protects a fundamental “right to marry” that extends equally to same-sex couples. The majority opinion, by Chief Justice Ronald M. George, declared that any law that discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation will from this point on be constitutionally suspect in California in the same way as laws that discriminate by race or gender, making the state’s high court the first in the nation to adopt such a stringent standard. Mercury News reported that California Attorney General Jerry Brown urged the California Supreme Court to finalize its ruling legalizing gay marriage, opposing efforts by foes of same-sex marriage to freeze the decision until after a possible vote in November. Brown’s office filed the arguments in response to a request last week from gay-marriage opponents for the Supreme Court to stay its ruling, which declared California’s ban on same-sex weddings unconstitutional. Opponents of the decision said that the Supreme Court should postpone the ruling to avoid legal chaos around the state.

Yahoo! News reported that animal rights activist and teacher Paula Stibbe, along with the Vienna-based Association Against Animal Factories (AAAF), says she wants Matthew Hiasl Pan, a chimpanzee, declared a person. The appeal has been filed in the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, France. The article said that beyond the legal challenges, anthropologists say chimpanzees are not humans, though without a clear definition of what it means to be human, backing that claim up is a challenge perhaps fit for some great courtroom drama. Stibbe says she can become the primate’s legal guardian only if Matthew is declared a person. Under Austrian law, only humans are entitled to have guardians. “Everybody who knows him personally will see him as a person,” Stibbe told the Evening Standard. If Matthew the chimp were declared a person, scientists foresee it would open a messy can of worms. What about other animals, like dogs and dolphins: A chimp-is-a-person ruling could trigger similar court cases in support of non-human animals getting human status, said Sarah Brosnan of Georgia State University. Some people think it’s high time that old ideas of what constitutes a human being are tossed out and the world is viewed through the eyes of nonlinear metaphysical truth.

“All life and being has ups and downs and ins and outs, and freedom and chaos are truth and beauty constrained only by pain, gravity and closed imagination,” said String Theory, a clever man recently declared nonexistent by his wife and found alone in his living room with one chair and a channel changer. “Freedom is the greatest of all and if anything is worshiped that should be it. Polygamist sects where 40 year old men have sex with 14 year old girls should be free to go ahead and do whatever they want. All species should be declared people by law and marriage at any age to any species for any reason should be allowed and respected. A dog humping your leg should be acknowledged as a marriage proposal and the two should be united as nature intends. Never mind that caught in the theory of evolution are behaviors considered deviant, the reality is that if something happens then its okay. Hitler was one of the greatest practitioners of freedom through chaos and he nearly conquered the world and set us all on a path toward greater self knowledge and Superman supremacy. Of course it wasn’t so good for the Jews and a few others, but then if all beings are the same and anything goes, all moral law is only imaginary and traditional and can be cast aside. Just be sure to leave me alone. And keep my cable TV working. I pay my bills and expect service damn it. The customer is always right. That should be the only constant in new age moral law.”

In other news, Slate reported that New York City is working on a plan to deploy a special ambulance to collect the bodies of people who have died suddenly from heart attacks, accidents and other emergencies and try to preserve their organs. Thanks to improving technology, organs that were previously useful only to their owners are now useful to other people, too. The article said that this has created pressure on doctors to think about dying people as resources, not just as patients. This pressure, in turn, has driven a movement to loosen organ-collection rules so that people who aren’t yet brain-dead can be prepped for harvesting. No word on what old traditional moralists think, but the guess is they’ll probably want people to actually be dead before chopping out their parts and selling them to others. Silly rabbits. They just don’t want to let go of old traditions.

(C) 2008

Comments Off on Wedded Bliss: Genders and Species are the Same

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.