Daily Archives: June 3, 2008

Key to Male Longevity: Wild Women and Whisky

Brit turns 112 years old and keeps going
Vermont legalizes hemp to help out

Inebriated Press
June 3, 2008

It’s not a new scientific study; the proof is in the pudding on this one. The United Kingdom’s Guardian newspaper reported Sunday that Henry William Allingham, Europe’s oldest man, is turning 112 on Friday and attributes his longevity to ‘cigarettes, whisky and wild, wild women’. Meanwhile in a theoretically unrelated story, the Iowa Ag Connection website reported yesterday that Vermont is legalizing “industrial” hemp. Law-enforcement officials opposed the bill. Men and women around the world are pausing to contemplate the benefits of sex and drugs and wondering if it’s been the rock ‘n roll that’s killing us sooner than later.

“Sex, drugs and Rock n’ Roll has become a staple in America and many Western countries, and even though our general life span has gotten longer, we still seem to be getting sick and most of us are not living happy and healthy and banging our way past 100,”said Mystery Gumm, an enigmatic denture wearer frequently seen roller skating backwards and taking the pulse of people he meets. “I may still be a dream boat to most women I encounter, but my health isn’t what it was before I hit 80 and I’m thinking it might be Alice Cooper and Alice in Chains, and not the Jack Daniels and Padron 3000’s that I consume like Cracker Jacks. Either that or it’s my wife Alice who works me half to death with her insatiable sexual appetite. She’s a minx at 75 and has the energy of a 60 year old. Maybe it’s the combination of all the Alice’s that’re wearing me out.”

Some people think that sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll are irrelevant when it comes to longevity, and that the handful of men and women who break 100 years of age are just genetic freaks of nature, like water buffalo’s with pink eyes and a Democrat opposed to a tax increase. “One 112 year old who thinks sex and booze got him there does not constitute a plausible scientific theory or validate anybodies hope that new hemp laws will ultimately lead to better health and finer living,” said Whet Blankett, a scurvy sort of guy who writes scientific journals and avoids fun things because they take away from contemplating death and taxes. “It’s wrong for society to allow products that free inhibition and create a party atmosphere and encourage relaxation. Being uptight and staying that way even if it kills us is the way to go. That’s why taking cholesterol medication which causes muscle tightness and occasional tissue damage is good for you because it’ll lower your ‘bad’ numbers. Lower numbers are what should make you happy. Never mind that recent studies reported in Business Week show that in people who have never had a heart attack they don’t reduce heart attacks or hospitalization, and that all they do for non-heart attack people is just lower the numbers. It’s kind of like the reverse of the Chinese melamine spiked grain thing. Melamine increases the readings of protein content in grains without actually increasing protein. It just affects the test and the test for protein is what creates value, since grain is traded based on protein numbers. Life is a numbers game and good numbers are the keys to happiness, not having a good time itself. In my book, anybody who enjoys whiskey or sex is a loser if the numbers don’t work. Give me a good number over quality of life any day.”

The Guardian reported that one hundred and twelve year old Henry William Allingham, is in good health and the oldest man in Europe. Allingham, with a twinkle in his eye, has always attributed his longevity to ‘cigarettes, whisky and wild, wild women’. He was involved in the greatest naval clash of the First World War, the Battle of Jutland, and in 1917 was posted to France to service and rescue aircraft that crashed behind the trenches at Ypres and the Somme. Allingham attends remembrance events at home and abroad, gives interviews to the media, visits schools to talk to children at least 100 years his junior and has just completed an autobiography, to be published in October. Allingham remains in good health and lives at St Dunstan’s home for blind veterans in Brighton. Max Arthur, author of the First World War oral history Last Post, said: ‘He’s a very dignified, very gentle man. He was so surprised to survive the First World War that he saw whatever came next as a reward. He made the most of his life. It does exemplify in my mind that, whatever age you are, never give up, and when in doubt, sing, which is what he still does. Sheer defiance is the reason he keeps going.’

The Iowa Ag Connection reported that Vermont farmers might have a new chance to diversify their operations. Governor Jim Douglas allowed a bill that permits farms to plant crops of industrial hemp to become law without his signature. Federal law prohibits cultivation of hemp because it comes from the same plant that marijuana does. But lawmakers believe there eventually will be a change in federal policy. Advocates say hemp can be used to make a variety of products, from cosmetics to food to clothing. Law-enforcement officials opposed the bill. They worry about the link between hemp and marijuana. The governor cited those concerns as part of the reason he didn’t sign the bill. But he says those didn’t warrant a veto. Hemp already is grown legally across Canada and in many other parts of the world. It was outlawed in the United States in 1937, although it was grown for industrial uses during World War II. Some people think it’s time we took a hard look at the legal and illegal drugs and democratize them.

“Let’s put all this stuff to vote and let the people decide what we want,” said Freemen Equally, a silly guy who thinks that freedom and human rights are more important than a PhD driven study full of unpronounceable words. “I like science and genius just like anybody else, but clever folks don’t make a majority, only good ideas supported by the folks can do that. Let’s vote whether Lipitor should be in our water supply and whether weed should be in the candy bar machines. Sure it might not be a go the first time or two, but it’s worth letting the people have a shot at it. The politicians are all busy back biting and raising our taxes anyway. They don’t have time to fight for freedom or consider our interests. Only regular people make time for that stuff.”

In other news, Australia’s Daily Telegraph reported that a man was operated on in Hornsby Hospital Sunday to remove 16 stainless steel washers from his penis. It was not clear how the situation arose. Fire Rescue Officers spent more than an hour unsuccessfully attempting to remove the washers, before the man was taken into an operating theatre about 4.30am. Surgeons took about 90 minutes to remove the washers using fire brigade equipment. No word on how the “accident” may affect the guys longevity, but it’s highly likely whiskey or a similar substance was involved on either or perhaps both sides of the event.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Key to Male Longevity: Wild Women and Whisky

Filed under Humor, IP News

Testicle Festival, Some Think It’s Nuts

Having a Ball in Utah
Suing a Doctor in Ohio

Inebriated Press
June 3, 2008

One man’s loss is another man’s lunch, so to speak. The Salt Lake Tribune reported yesterday that folks in the town of Woodruff held a two-day Testicle Festival during which bull testes were cooked and eaten and almost $30,000 was raised for charity. And The Cincinnati Enquirer reported Friday that Stephen Kosti filed a civil suit against a doctor for removing his right testicle during an exploratory procedure that was later found to be unnecessary. The debate over the size of balls a person has to have in order to eat them, or cut them off a guy without telling him first, is swinging in the air like man parts in loose boxers.

“You got to have nodes the size of beach balls to lop of a guy’s nut during exploratory surgery when you’ve never told the boy you might clip him,” said Dy Hardd, a righteous dude known for calling a straight flush what it is, and rarely adding water to bourbon. “And as far as eat’n the damn things, you gotta lose one hell of a bet to swallow gonads the way you do oysters. Course I didn’t eat an oyster ’til I lost a bet either, but still.”

Some people think that cutting off testicles is the right thing to do and that eating them can help stop global hunger. “I’ve had two boy friends that I’d like to send over to the Ohio doctor for the way they treated me,” said Cindy Long-Blade, a fair skinned brunette who occasionally ponders female genital mutilation in Africa’s Muslim culture and wonders why the guys get off scot free. “And I think that every radical Muslim man should have his nuts cut off and have them fed to the poor. If ranchers in the Western U.S. can eat bull nuts and make money for charity doing it, we should be able to help feed the hungry in Africa and the Middle East by using the balls of the assholes stirring up all the trouble. In fact it would cut down on procreation by the bastards too. It’s a big win-win if you ask me.”

The Salt Lake Tribune reported that the Black Gold Cattle Company’s eighth annual Testicle Festival wrapped up on Saturday having served 250 pounds of bull testicles referred to as “Rocky Mountain Oysters,” and having raised almost $30,000 for charity. During the event cowboys compete for prizes in old-time rodeo events such as range bull riding and team Testicle Festival branding, which are no longer part of modern day competitions. The “cowboy caviar” is part of the “Sack Lunch Special” that includes a cheeseburger and a drink for $5. “Some people have trouble with them,” says Lori Cornia, a festival volunteer, adding that it is no different than eating other beef parts such as the tongue, heart or liver. “Just think of it as veal,” she said. Over the years, the money raised has helped premature babies, those with cancer, and a liver transplant patient. “It reminds me of turkey gizzards,” said Lizz Mulligan, of New York City. “They’re more juicy than I thought.” Added Joe Welch from Superior, Wis. “It’s good. It tastes like chicken.”

The Cincinnati Enquirer reported that a Middletown man who was partially castrated during a 2007 medical procedure has sued the doctor after another medical group told him the body part removed wasn’t cancerous as he was led to believe. Stephen Kosti filed a civil suit in Hamilton County Common Pleas Court against Dr. Gary Kirsh and Tri-State Urological Services in Norwood. Kirsh said he didn’t remember Kosti. After he suffered pain in his groin, Kosti went to Kirsh in May 2007. On May 14, Kosti’s suit notes, Kosti was admitted to Jewish Hospital for what he thought was an exploratory procedure on his scrotum. Instead, Kosti said Kirsh removed his right testicle leading Kosti to believe it was cancerous and, untreated, would leave Kosti with just six months to live, the suit alleges. The misdiagnosis alleged in the suit resulted in Kosti suffering unnecessary emotional and physical pain as well as financial problems and loss of earnings. The suit seeks unspecified money damages. Some people say that a male and his balls should never be parted except in the most extreme circumstances.

“It’s completely unnatural and improper that any male is separated from the testicles that they were born with, and that goes for men and animals,” said Nellie Natural-Cutebottom, an all-American blonde cowgirl-type with curves and bumps in naturally occurring places and infrastructure laid out just the way nature intended. “You slap a guy or a bull on the ass if you need to but you don’t cut off any parts. Except for Bin Laden. I’d like to sink my spurs in that bastard’s side and with a flick of my Bowie knife send his nuts into a deep fryer. We should do him and all his buddies.” Then pausing and smiling warmly she added, “Sons of bitches, cut all their nuts off. Every mother’s son of them.”

In other news, MSNBC reported that Barack Obama is resigning from the church he belonged to for over twenty years. Earlier this year Obama’s pastor and spiritual advisor Rev. Jeremiah Wright said that the U.S. government invented HIV and intentionally infected blacks with it, and said the U.S. is no different than Al Qaeda. Last week Father Michael Pfleger, an advisor on Obama’s presidential campaign, spoke at Obama’s Trinity United Church and mocked Hillary Clinton saying that as a white woman she felt entitled to the presidency. He pretended he was Hillary crying over a black man getting in the way of her entitlement. Apparently Obama felt that his advisors where taking away from his presidential aspirations and his plan to raise billions in new taxes for distribution by the United Nations, and to fund national healthcare and other new social programs while he phases out the military. No word on whether American men will have to give their left nut to pay for Barack’s proposed entitlements, but regardless, it looks like Obama certainly has balls enough to propose taking them.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Testicle Festival, Some Think It’s Nuts

Filed under Humor, IP News