Key to Male Longevity: Wild Women and Whisky

Brit turns 112 years old and keeps going
Vermont legalizes hemp to help out

Inebriated Press
June 3, 2008

It’s not a new scientific study; the proof is in the pudding on this one. The United Kingdom’s Guardian newspaper reported Sunday that Henry William Allingham, Europe’s oldest man, is turning 112 on Friday and attributes his longevity to ‘cigarettes, whisky and wild, wild women’. Meanwhile in a theoretically unrelated story, the Iowa Ag Connection website reported yesterday that Vermont is legalizing “industrial” hemp. Law-enforcement officials opposed the bill. Men and women around the world are pausing to contemplate the benefits of sex and drugs and wondering if it’s been the rock ‘n roll that’s killing us sooner than later.

“Sex, drugs and Rock n’ Roll has become a staple in America and many Western countries, and even though our general life span has gotten longer, we still seem to be getting sick and most of us are not living happy and healthy and banging our way past 100,”said Mystery Gumm, an enigmatic denture wearer frequently seen roller skating backwards and taking the pulse of people he meets. “I may still be a dream boat to most women I encounter, but my health isn’t what it was before I hit 80 and I’m thinking it might be Alice Cooper and Alice in Chains, and not the Jack Daniels and Padron 3000’s that I consume like Cracker Jacks. Either that or it’s my wife Alice who works me half to death with her insatiable sexual appetite. She’s a minx at 75 and has the energy of a 60 year old. Maybe it’s the combination of all the Alice’s that’re wearing me out.”

Some people think that sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll are irrelevant when it comes to longevity, and that the handful of men and women who break 100 years of age are just genetic freaks of nature, like water buffalo’s with pink eyes and a Democrat opposed to a tax increase. “One 112 year old who thinks sex and booze got him there does not constitute a plausible scientific theory or validate anybodies hope that new hemp laws will ultimately lead to better health and finer living,” said Whet Blankett, a scurvy sort of guy who writes scientific journals and avoids fun things because they take away from contemplating death and taxes. “It’s wrong for society to allow products that free inhibition and create a party atmosphere and encourage relaxation. Being uptight and staying that way even if it kills us is the way to go. That’s why taking cholesterol medication which causes muscle tightness and occasional tissue damage is good for you because it’ll lower your ‘bad’ numbers. Lower numbers are what should make you happy. Never mind that recent studies reported in Business Week show that in people who have never had a heart attack they don’t reduce heart attacks or hospitalization, and that all they do for non-heart attack people is just lower the numbers. It’s kind of like the reverse of the Chinese melamine spiked grain thing. Melamine increases the readings of protein content in grains without actually increasing protein. It just affects the test and the test for protein is what creates value, since grain is traded based on protein numbers. Life is a numbers game and good numbers are the keys to happiness, not having a good time itself. In my book, anybody who enjoys whiskey or sex is a loser if the numbers don’t work. Give me a good number over quality of life any day.”

The Guardian reported that one hundred and twelve year old Henry William Allingham, is in good health and the oldest man in Europe. Allingham, with a twinkle in his eye, has always attributed his longevity to ‘cigarettes, whisky and wild, wild women’. He was involved in the greatest naval clash of the First World War, the Battle of Jutland, and in 1917 was posted to France to service and rescue aircraft that crashed behind the trenches at Ypres and the Somme. Allingham attends remembrance events at home and abroad, gives interviews to the media, visits schools to talk to children at least 100 years his junior and has just completed an autobiography, to be published in October. Allingham remains in good health and lives at St Dunstan’s home for blind veterans in Brighton. Max Arthur, author of the First World War oral history Last Post, said: ‘He’s a very dignified, very gentle man. He was so surprised to survive the First World War that he saw whatever came next as a reward. He made the most of his life. It does exemplify in my mind that, whatever age you are, never give up, and when in doubt, sing, which is what he still does. Sheer defiance is the reason he keeps going.’

The Iowa Ag Connection reported that Vermont farmers might have a new chance to diversify their operations. Governor Jim Douglas allowed a bill that permits farms to plant crops of industrial hemp to become law without his signature. Federal law prohibits cultivation of hemp because it comes from the same plant that marijuana does. But lawmakers believe there eventually will be a change in federal policy. Advocates say hemp can be used to make a variety of products, from cosmetics to food to clothing. Law-enforcement officials opposed the bill. They worry about the link between hemp and marijuana. The governor cited those concerns as part of the reason he didn’t sign the bill. But he says those didn’t warrant a veto. Hemp already is grown legally across Canada and in many other parts of the world. It was outlawed in the United States in 1937, although it was grown for industrial uses during World War II. Some people think it’s time we took a hard look at the legal and illegal drugs and democratize them.

“Let’s put all this stuff to vote and let the people decide what we want,” said Freemen Equally, a silly guy who thinks that freedom and human rights are more important than a PhD driven study full of unpronounceable words. “I like science and genius just like anybody else, but clever folks don’t make a majority, only good ideas supported by the folks can do that. Let’s vote whether Lipitor should be in our water supply and whether weed should be in the candy bar machines. Sure it might not be a go the first time or two, but it’s worth letting the people have a shot at it. The politicians are all busy back biting and raising our taxes anyway. They don’t have time to fight for freedom or consider our interests. Only regular people make time for that stuff.”

In other news, Australia’s Daily Telegraph reported that a man was operated on in Hornsby Hospital Sunday to remove 16 stainless steel washers from his penis. It was not clear how the situation arose. Fire Rescue Officers spent more than an hour unsuccessfully attempting to remove the washers, before the man was taken into an operating theatre about 4.30am. Surgeons took about 90 minutes to remove the washers using fire brigade equipment. No word on how the “accident” may affect the guys longevity, but it’s highly likely whiskey or a similar substance was involved on either or perhaps both sides of the event.

(C) 2008

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