Testicle Festival, Some Think It’s Nuts

Having a Ball in Utah
Suing a Doctor in Ohio

Inebriated Press
June 3, 2008

One man’s loss is another man’s lunch, so to speak. The Salt Lake Tribune reported yesterday that folks in the town of Woodruff held a two-day Testicle Festival during which bull testes were cooked and eaten and almost $30,000 was raised for charity. And The Cincinnati Enquirer reported Friday that Stephen Kosti filed a civil suit against a doctor for removing his right testicle during an exploratory procedure that was later found to be unnecessary. The debate over the size of balls a person has to have in order to eat them, or cut them off a guy without telling him first, is swinging in the air like man parts in loose boxers.

“You got to have nodes the size of beach balls to lop of a guy’s nut during exploratory surgery when you’ve never told the boy you might clip him,” said Dy Hardd, a righteous dude known for calling a straight flush what it is, and rarely adding water to bourbon. “And as far as eat’n the damn things, you gotta lose one hell of a bet to swallow gonads the way you do oysters. Course I didn’t eat an oyster ’til I lost a bet either, but still.”

Some people think that cutting off testicles is the right thing to do and that eating them can help stop global hunger. “I’ve had two boy friends that I’d like to send over to the Ohio doctor for the way they treated me,” said Cindy Long-Blade, a fair skinned brunette who occasionally ponders female genital mutilation in Africa’s Muslim culture and wonders why the guys get off scot free. “And I think that every radical Muslim man should have his nuts cut off and have them fed to the poor. If ranchers in the Western U.S. can eat bull nuts and make money for charity doing it, we should be able to help feed the hungry in Africa and the Middle East by using the balls of the assholes stirring up all the trouble. In fact it would cut down on procreation by the bastards too. It’s a big win-win if you ask me.”

The Salt Lake Tribune reported that the Black Gold Cattle Company’s eighth annual Testicle Festival wrapped up on Saturday having served 250 pounds of bull testicles referred to as “Rocky Mountain Oysters,” and having raised almost $30,000 for charity. During the event cowboys compete for prizes in old-time rodeo events such as range bull riding and team Testicle Festival branding, which are no longer part of modern day competitions. The “cowboy caviar” is part of the “Sack Lunch Special” that includes a cheeseburger and a drink for $5. “Some people have trouble with them,” says Lori Cornia, a festival volunteer, adding that it is no different than eating other beef parts such as the tongue, heart or liver. “Just think of it as veal,” she said. Over the years, the money raised has helped premature babies, those with cancer, and a liver transplant patient. “It reminds me of turkey gizzards,” said Lizz Mulligan, of New York City. “They’re more juicy than I thought.” Added Joe Welch from Superior, Wis. “It’s good. It tastes like chicken.”

The Cincinnati Enquirer reported that a Middletown man who was partially castrated during a 2007 medical procedure has sued the doctor after another medical group told him the body part removed wasn’t cancerous as he was led to believe. Stephen Kosti filed a civil suit in Hamilton County Common Pleas Court against Dr. Gary Kirsh and Tri-State Urological Services in Norwood. Kirsh said he didn’t remember Kosti. After he suffered pain in his groin, Kosti went to Kirsh in May 2007. On May 14, Kosti’s suit notes, Kosti was admitted to Jewish Hospital for what he thought was an exploratory procedure on his scrotum. Instead, Kosti said Kirsh removed his right testicle leading Kosti to believe it was cancerous and, untreated, would leave Kosti with just six months to live, the suit alleges. The misdiagnosis alleged in the suit resulted in Kosti suffering unnecessary emotional and physical pain as well as financial problems and loss of earnings. The suit seeks unspecified money damages. Some people say that a male and his balls should never be parted except in the most extreme circumstances.

“It’s completely unnatural and improper that any male is separated from the testicles that they were born with, and that goes for men and animals,” said Nellie Natural-Cutebottom, an all-American blonde cowgirl-type with curves and bumps in naturally occurring places and infrastructure laid out just the way nature intended. “You slap a guy or a bull on the ass if you need to but you don’t cut off any parts. Except for Bin Laden. I’d like to sink my spurs in that bastard’s side and with a flick of my Bowie knife send his nuts into a deep fryer. We should do him and all his buddies.” Then pausing and smiling warmly she added, “Sons of bitches, cut all their nuts off. Every mother’s son of them.”

In other news, MSNBC reported that Barack Obama is resigning from the church he belonged to for over twenty years. Earlier this year Obama’s pastor and spiritual advisor Rev. Jeremiah Wright said that the U.S. government invented HIV and intentionally infected blacks with it, and said the U.S. is no different than Al Qaeda. Last week Father Michael Pfleger, an advisor on Obama’s presidential campaign, spoke at Obama’s Trinity United Church and mocked Hillary Clinton saying that as a white woman she felt entitled to the presidency. He pretended he was Hillary crying over a black man getting in the way of her entitlement. Apparently Obama felt that his advisors where taking away from his presidential aspirations and his plan to raise billions in new taxes for distribution by the United Nations, and to fund national healthcare and other new social programs while he phases out the military. No word on whether American men will have to give their left nut to pay for Barack’s proposed entitlements, but regardless, it looks like Obama certainly has balls enough to propose taking them.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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