Daily Archives: June 4, 2008

Spiderman Robs Days Inn, Dutch Man Injured in Mooning Accident

Superhero turns to crime
Dumb ass gets his cut

Inebriated Press
June 4, 2008

The Chattanoogan reported this week that the Spiderman Robber has now carried out nine holdups locally, stealing cash each time. And Associated Press reported that a Dutch man is recovering after a “mooning” accident went “horribly wrong” and his ass sustained deep wounds. A cry goes out for real superheroes to help protect society from bare-assed Dutchmen and crazed Spiderman thieves. Who will answer the call?

“The Dutch man got it in the ass anyway so he won’t be doing any risky mooning in the future so we don’t have to worry about him,” said Dusty Stringbean, a vegetarian in name and deed who needs a good washing. “The Spiderman dude concerns me because I’ve seen the movies and if he’s gone bad I’m scared that he’d kick my ass if I tried to stop him. Unless Clark Kent is still at the paper and can pull a Superman suit out of his cell phone I’m afraid we’re in a world of hurt. The loss of the phone booths all replaced by cell phones is why there are almost no Superman sightings anymore. You know that don’t you? He’s lost his spandex changing rooms and like the spotted owl has no place left to go. It’s a damn shame. And with Spiderman nuts, I’m not sure where we can turn.”

Not everyone believes that the real Spiderman has made a wrong turn or that there are in fact, any superheroes anymore. “They’ve all died off for lack of interest and only show up in movies and fiction now,” said Sally Forlater, a broad based female life form whose niceties belie a deep seated sorrow at always coming in second. “I was following in Storm’s footsteps and could work up a pretty wild act of nature among some guys I liked but it never really resulted in a good long term relationship. Now I just manage nuclear reactors and dispose of spend fuel rods which isn’t at all like the fun I used to have. I like fuel rods though. I guess deep inside I always have.”

The Cattanoogan reported that police have taken two more reports on the Spiderman Robber, who has now carried out nine local holdups. The first happened Saturday at the Mapco/Conoco at 201 Browns Ferry Road. The clerk advised that right around 2 a.m. a white male, wearing a Spiderman mask and seeing eye glasses, entered the store holding a dark-colored handgun. He demanded the money from the register and was able to get away with about $60 in cash. The second happened at the Days Inn at 3801 Cummings Highway at 10:30 p.m. The store advised that a brown-haired white male, wearing a red mask, and holding a small black semi-auto pistol entered the lobby of the hotel. He approached the clerk and demanded money. He was able to get away with $230-250 in cash. Detectives working the cases are trying feverishly to identify the “Spiderman Robber.” Anyone with information on this suspect or his whereabouts is encouraged to call the Chattanooga Police Department.

Associated Press reported that Utrecht police say a 21-year-old Dutch man is recovering after a “mooning” that went horribly wrong. A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Utrecht with their pants pulled down in the back “for a joke.” It says that at one point the 21-year-old “pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant” that broke and resulted in “deep wounds to his derriere.” The statement released Tuesday says police detained the three men after the incident Sunday morning. But the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the broken window. The injured man was treated for his injuries at a nearby hospital. Some people think that full moons lead to crazy behavior.

“You ask anybody who’s ever worked in a nut house and they’ll tell you that the inmates get loony when there’s a full moon in the sky, and that’s the truth,” said Honest Abe, a mackerel salesman often mistaken for a dead president. “I knew this gal, Honda Civic, she used to really get aggressive around full moons and we’d have one hell of a time. But they put her away after she mooned some guys while wearing a Spiderman suit and one of them had an allergic reaction and turned into the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Never did hear what happened to him. I wonder what he’s doing nowadays.”

In other news, WNEP TV in Pennsylvania reported that a 71-year-old man and his friend in a wheelchair are being credited with catching a suspected robber. Around 10 a.m. Monday Harry Kopenis said he walked to his bank in Kingston, not far from where he lives. Kopenis said when he got to the bank a woman came out of nowhere and stole his cash. Police said she knocked down the Korean War veteran and grandfather at the ATM in the Citizens Bank parking lot on Wyoming Avenue and took off with his $100. Kopenis’ neighbor who was in the area and is wheelchair bound saw everything and decided to help. “She started running and Harry started running and I started running in my wheelchair screaming, ‘Stop stop, stop!’ She turned and I don’t know if she was going to push him or what but he snatched her in a headlock. As he struggled with her I managed to get over and we wrestled her to the ground. She wasn’t getting up,” recounted Kevin Lamb of Kingston. Both men have some cuts and bruises but they are okay. VanMatre faces theft, reckless endangerment and criminal mischief charges. She is locked up on $10,000 bail. No word on whether the two superheroes are tracking the Spiderman Robber, but odds are they’ll carve his ass like a Dutchman’s if they catch him.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Spiderman Robs Days Inn, Dutch Man Injured in Mooning Accident

Filed under Humor, IP News

Bill Gates and Bill Clinton Speak Out

Gates wraps up Microsoft duties
Clinton raps claim he ‘sees women’

Inebriated Press
June 4, 2008

CNN reported yesterday that Hillary Clinton’s campaign apologized for Bill Clinton who called a Vanity Fair editor a scumbag, after the writer reported that Bill has been “seeing a lot of women on the road,” and that some of his aides said there was “an intervention” related to Bill’s philandering. And Information Week reported that Bill Gates gave his last big speech before leaving his full-time Microsoft role. Gates said it was his first career change since he was 17 years old. Men change as they age and some turn to philanthropy and others to philandering. Debate over which is better roles on.

“Obviously anyone who steps down from a high profile job and dedicates themselves to philanthropy, fighting AIDS and poverty, is doing the right thing for themselves and society,” said Miss July 1987, a demure 43 year old dental assistant young for her age. “I think Bill and Melinda Gates are terrific and other than selling us mediocre software recently, Bill’s done some really cool stuff and will probably do even better things for the world in the future.”

Not everyone is sold on the philanthropy approach to later years. “As a part-time hobby Bill Clinton has probably banged more women than Gates has working for him, and that’s no slight on Gates,” said Neville Springsteen, a fake rocker who was once someone interesting. “And now that Clinton’s got governing out of the way, he can focus on what he enjoys most and that’s women. Not Hillary of course, they’ve always been partners in politics and not really in a domestic relationship. I think that years from now when the books get written about the real Bill Clinton, there’ll be way more interesting stuff in there than anything that Bill Gates has come up with. I mean think about it, if you were going out for a night on the town which one of the Bill’s do you think you’d have the most fun with? That Arkansas boy wins hands down!”

CNN reported that Hillary Clinton’s campaign has apologized for “inappropriate” language used by her husband in response to what it called an “outrageously unfair” article about the former president. The article, by Vanity Fair magazine’s national editor Todd Purdum, suggested that Bill Clinton had been “seeing a lot of women on the road.” Purdum quoted four anonymous former Clinton aides saying that another of his former assistants had conducted “what one of these aides called an intervention” about the reports of philandering. Calling Purdum a “scumbag,” Bill Clinton said “He’s just a dishonest guy — can’t help it. [He’s] sleazy. He’s a really dishonest reporter.” Jay Carson, a spokesman for Hillary Clinton’s campaign, said that “President Clinton was understandably upset about an outrageously unfair article, but the language today was inappropriate and he wishes he had not used it.” Inebriated investigative reporter Clay Pigeon said Clinton didn’t issue the apology himself, because he was doing penance with some Hooters waitresses in the back room of his New York office.

Information Week reported that in what he said is his last keynote as a full-time employee of Microsoft, Bill Gates hit on some of his common themes as he spoke to what he called his crowd — developers — at the company’s annual TechEd conference on Tuesday. “It’s the first time I’ve really changed my career since I was 17 years old,” he said with what appeared to be a genuinely reflective smile. His talk was mainly a relatively stoic, standard Gates keynote that included references to how much the industry’s changed since he co-founded Microsoft with Paul Allen more than 30 years ago. But while he touched on Gates favorites like more natural human-computer interaction and easier software development for everyone, he focused on how Microsoft looks at the changing software development world today. Mercury News reported that at Wall Street Journal’s D Conference Melinda said she and Bill will spend two or three days a week on The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation work while devoting about one day a week to Microsoft projects.

“It’s kind of a sad thing when outstanding executives step down from high powered careers and start to pretend that they’re somebody else,” said Anonymous Biker, a reflective former Wall Street executive who spends most of his time on a Harley when he’s not researching the quality of silicon implants. “It was a big adjustment for me. I think the change is going to be a lot harder for Bill Gates because he’s used to dominating his industry and had no hobbies. Bill Clinton has been screwing around on the side for years so it was an easy adjustment to just spend more time doing that and less thinking about government and money laundering. But I hear that Gates did invest in Robot LISA with proprietary RKS (Recognition Krax System) technology, and full body latex functionality, so maybe he and Clinton will wind up with something in common after all.”

In other news, Barack Obama’s pastor Jeremiah Wright is retiring to a new multi-million dollar home on a golf course in a white neighborhood in suburban Chicago. No word on whether he plans to engage in philanthropy, philandering or just keep encouraging Barack to hate America the way he’s been doing off and on for the past twenty years.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Bill Gates and Bill Clinton Speak Out

Filed under Humor, IP News