Superhero turns to crime
Dumb ass gets his cut
June 4, 2008
The Chattanoogan reported this week that the Spiderman Robber has now carried out nine holdups locally, stealing cash each time. And Associated Press reported that a Dutch man is recovering after a “mooning” accident went “horribly wrong” and his ass sustained deep wounds. A cry goes out for real superheroes to help protect society from bare-assed Dutchmen and crazed Spiderman thieves. Who will answer the call?
“The Dutch man got it in the ass anyway so he won’t be doing any risky mooning in the future so we don’t have to worry about him,” said Dusty Stringbean, a vegetarian in name and deed who needs a good washing. “The Spiderman dude concerns me because I’ve seen the movies and if he’s gone bad I’m scared that he’d kick my ass if I tried to stop him. Unless Clark Kent is still at the paper and can pull a Superman suit out of his cell phone I’m afraid we’re in a world of hurt. The loss of the phone booths all replaced by cell phones is why there are almost no Superman sightings anymore. You know that don’t you? He’s lost his spandex changing rooms and like the spotted owl has no place left to go. It’s a damn shame. And with Spiderman nuts, I’m not sure where we can turn.”
Not everyone believes that the real Spiderman has made a wrong turn or that there are in fact, any superheroes anymore. “They’ve all died off for lack of interest and only show up in movies and fiction now,” said Sally Forlater, a broad based female life form whose niceties belie a deep seated sorrow at always coming in second. “I was following in Storm’s footsteps and could work up a pretty wild act of nature among some guys I liked but it never really resulted in a good long term relationship. Now I just manage nuclear reactors and dispose of spend fuel rods which isn’t at all like the fun I used to have. I like fuel rods though. I guess deep inside I always have.”
The Cattanoogan reported that police have taken two more reports on the Spiderman Robber, who has now carried out nine local holdups. The first happened Saturday at the Mapco/Conoco at 201 Browns Ferry Road. The clerk advised that right around 2 a.m. a white male, wearing a Spiderman mask and seeing eye glasses, entered the store holding a dark-colored handgun. He demanded the money from the register and was able to get away with about $60 in cash. The second happened at the Days Inn at 3801 Cummings Highway at 10:30 p.m. The store advised that a brown-haired white male, wearing a red mask, and holding a small black semi-auto pistol entered the lobby of the hotel. He approached the clerk and demanded money. He was able to get away with $230-250 in cash. Detectives working the cases are trying feverishly to identify the “Spiderman Robber.” Anyone with information on this suspect or his whereabouts is encouraged to call the Chattanooga Police Department.
Associated Press reported that Utrecht police say a 21-year-old Dutch man is recovering after a “mooning” that went horribly wrong. A police statement says the man and two others had run down a street in Utrecht with their pants pulled down in the back “for a joke.” It says that at one point the 21-year-old “pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant” that broke and resulted in “deep wounds to his derriere.” The statement released Tuesday says police detained the three men after the incident Sunday morning. But the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the broken window. The injured man was treated for his injuries at a nearby hospital. Some people think that full moons lead to crazy behavior.
“You ask anybody who’s ever worked in a nut house and they’ll tell you that the inmates get loony when there’s a full moon in the sky, and that’s the truth,” said Honest Abe, a mackerel salesman often mistaken for a dead president. “I knew this gal, Honda Civic, she used to really get aggressive around full moons and we’d have one hell of a time. But they put her away after she mooned some guys while wearing a Spiderman suit and one of them had an allergic reaction and turned into the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Never did hear what happened to him. I wonder what he’s doing nowadays.”
In other news, WNEP TV in Pennsylvania reported that a 71-year-old man and his friend in a wheelchair are being credited with catching a suspected robber. Around 10 a.m. Monday Harry Kopenis said he walked to his bank in Kingston, not far from where he lives. Kopenis said when he got to the bank a woman came out of nowhere and stole his cash. Police said she knocked down the Korean War veteran and grandfather at the ATM in the Citizens Bank parking lot on Wyoming Avenue and took off with his $100. Kopenis’ neighbor who was in the area and is wheelchair bound saw everything and decided to help. “She started running and Harry started running and I started running in my wheelchair screaming, ‘Stop stop, stop!’ She turned and I don’t know if she was going to push him or what but he snatched her in a headlock. As he struggled with her I managed to get over and we wrestled her to the ground. She wasn’t getting up,” recounted Kevin Lamb of Kingston. Both men have some cuts and bruises but they are okay. VanMatre faces theft, reckless endangerment and criminal mischief charges. She is locked up on $10,000 bail. No word on whether the two superheroes are tracking the Spiderman Robber, but odds are they’ll carve his ass like a Dutchman’s if they catch him.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com