Bill Gates and Bill Clinton Speak Out

Gates wraps up Microsoft duties
Clinton raps claim he ‘sees women’

Inebriated Press
June 4, 2008

CNN reported yesterday that Hillary Clinton’s campaign apologized for Bill Clinton who called a Vanity Fair editor a scumbag, after the writer reported that Bill has been “seeing a lot of women on the road,” and that some of his aides said there was “an intervention” related to Bill’s philandering. And Information Week reported that Bill Gates gave his last big speech before leaving his full-time Microsoft role. Gates said it was his first career change since he was 17 years old. Men change as they age and some turn to philanthropy and others to philandering. Debate over which is better roles on.

“Obviously anyone who steps down from a high profile job and dedicates themselves to philanthropy, fighting AIDS and poverty, is doing the right thing for themselves and society,” said Miss July 1987, a demure 43 year old dental assistant young for her age. “I think Bill and Melinda Gates are terrific and other than selling us mediocre software recently, Bill’s done some really cool stuff and will probably do even better things for the world in the future.”

Not everyone is sold on the philanthropy approach to later years. “As a part-time hobby Bill Clinton has probably banged more women than Gates has working for him, and that’s no slight on Gates,” said Neville Springsteen, a fake rocker who was once someone interesting. “And now that Clinton’s got governing out of the way, he can focus on what he enjoys most and that’s women. Not Hillary of course, they’ve always been partners in politics and not really in a domestic relationship. I think that years from now when the books get written about the real Bill Clinton, there’ll be way more interesting stuff in there than anything that Bill Gates has come up with. I mean think about it, if you were going out for a night on the town which one of the Bill’s do you think you’d have the most fun with? That Arkansas boy wins hands down!”

CNN reported that Hillary Clinton’s campaign has apologized for “inappropriate” language used by her husband in response to what it called an “outrageously unfair” article about the former president. The article, by Vanity Fair magazine’s national editor Todd Purdum, suggested that Bill Clinton had been “seeing a lot of women on the road.” Purdum quoted four anonymous former Clinton aides saying that another of his former assistants had conducted “what one of these aides called an intervention” about the reports of philandering. Calling Purdum a “scumbag,” Bill Clinton said “He’s just a dishonest guy — can’t help it. [He’s] sleazy. He’s a really dishonest reporter.” Jay Carson, a spokesman for Hillary Clinton’s campaign, said that “President Clinton was understandably upset about an outrageously unfair article, but the language today was inappropriate and he wishes he had not used it.” Inebriated investigative reporter Clay Pigeon said Clinton didn’t issue the apology himself, because he was doing penance with some Hooters waitresses in the back room of his New York office.

Information Week reported that in what he said is his last keynote as a full-time employee of Microsoft, Bill Gates hit on some of his common themes as he spoke to what he called his crowd — developers — at the company’s annual TechEd conference on Tuesday. “It’s the first time I’ve really changed my career since I was 17 years old,” he said with what appeared to be a genuinely reflective smile. His talk was mainly a relatively stoic, standard Gates keynote that included references to how much the industry’s changed since he co-founded Microsoft with Paul Allen more than 30 years ago. But while he touched on Gates favorites like more natural human-computer interaction and easier software development for everyone, he focused on how Microsoft looks at the changing software development world today. Mercury News reported that at Wall Street Journal’s D Conference Melinda said she and Bill will spend two or three days a week on The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation work while devoting about one day a week to Microsoft projects.

“It’s kind of a sad thing when outstanding executives step down from high powered careers and start to pretend that they’re somebody else,” said Anonymous Biker, a reflective former Wall Street executive who spends most of his time on a Harley when he’s not researching the quality of silicon implants. “It was a big adjustment for me. I think the change is going to be a lot harder for Bill Gates because he’s used to dominating his industry and had no hobbies. Bill Clinton has been screwing around on the side for years so it was an easy adjustment to just spend more time doing that and less thinking about government and money laundering. But I hear that Gates did invest in Robot LISA with proprietary RKS (Recognition Krax System) technology, and full body latex functionality, so maybe he and Clinton will wind up with something in common after all.”

In other news, Barack Obama’s pastor Jeremiah Wright is retiring to a new multi-million dollar home on a golf course in a white neighborhood in suburban Chicago. No word on whether he plans to engage in philanthropy, philandering or just keep encouraging Barack to hate America the way he’s been doing off and on for the past twenty years.

(C) 2008

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