Daily Archives: June 5, 2008

Americans for Al Qaeda, Rosie O’Donnell for Matthew McConaughey

Coming clean and baring souls in America

Inebriated Press
June 5, 2008

Reuters reported that a U.S. born man who trained with al Qaeda in Afghanistan pleaded guilty on Tuesday to plotting to bomb targets in the United States and Europe. And Journal News’ Suburbarazzi reported that in an interview with Howard Stern, Rosie O’Donnell, a lesbian, admitted that Matthew McConaughey turns her on. The old homily “confession is good for the soul” appears to be making a comeback.

“It felt great to come clean and tell people that I’m actually a man in drag,” said Cher, in a garbled interview with an Inebriated reporter fighting a crack addiction and claiming that this report is completely true. “It’s one of the reasons that Sonny Bono and I never got along as good as we could have. We had domination issues. We bought our daughter from a used car salesman in North Hollywood. I’m afraid it may have affected her. I sure feel a lot better getting this stuff out in the open and talking about it.”

Some experts believe that the less people know about you or your intentions, the better. “There’s no reason that people should know about certain things, it does no one any good because they may get uncomfortable and then try to stop you,” said Yu Keep Qiett, a Chinese information manager and part-time Barack Obama advisor. “Some things get out in the open eventually like when your pets die from eating food imported from our country, or someone’s spiritual advisor for 20 years gets some publicity. These are unfortunate events. Truth can be bothersome in that way. Best to keep as much as you can hidden until you have power enough to shrug it off. It worked for Mao and Hitler; it can work for you and your presidential candidates.”

Reuters reported that Christopher Paul, 44, entered a guilty plea in U.S. district court in Columbus, Ohio, for plotting to bomb targets in the United States and Europe. He agreed to serve 20 years in prison under terms of the deal. Paul was born in Ohio as Paul Kenyatta Laws and converted to Islam while in college, then trained with al Qaeda in Afghanistan and fought in Bosnia in the 1990s. Paul, known also by a string of aliases including Abdul Malek Kenyatta, was arrested last year in Ohio on charges of conspiring to aid terrorists, conspiring to use a weapon of mass destruction and providing material support to terrorists. Al Qaeda members in Europe in 1997 asked him to form a jihad group, which he trained around Columbus. Asked to provide explosives training, he agreed to help an Islamic fundamentalist cell in Germany, which also intended to attack within the United States.

The Journal News’ Suburbarazzi reported that in a telephone interview with Howard Stern, Rosie O’Donnell said she really did have a crush on Tom Cruise, and revealed that Matthew McConaughey also turned her on while slow-talking his way through a description on how to make beer-can chicken. She said her current celebrity crushes include Angelina Jolie, Angela Bassett, Penélope Cruz, Salma Hayek and Diane Lane. She said she was sexually abused as a child, lost her virginity when she was 21 to a man, and could count her number of sexual conquests on “two hands.” She added that rumors of a wild life as a single woman had been greatly exaggerated, adding, “I’m not even nude in the shower.” O’Donnell said she’s attended therapy sessions since she was 16 and now sees a therapist on a weekly basis. Some people say there should be no secrets because greater transparency results in markets and relationships that are fairer.

“If everything is out in the open, then a commodities trader and a blind date can make a more informed decision about what they want to buy, sell or deal with,” said an unnamed CIA operative who moonlights as a pimp. “Professionally prepared briefing documentation should come with every guy or gal looking for a date, and every home in the world should be wire tapped by the government, and the data made available on the Internet. If all secrets were revealed, peace and harmony would result — after an initial round of killings and violence to set things straight. Only my stuff should be kept secret. But that’s because I’m special.”

In other news, GamePro.com reported that a recent Age of Conan software program patch reduced the bust size of certain female avatars. The disproportionate (some might say realistic) boobage was spotted over the weekend, after Funcom had released a patch addressing unrelated issues in the game. The breast reduction is “due to an unintended change,” the developer said in an official forum post, responding to upset gamers who quickly noticed the D-cup discrepancy. According to Funcom, the development team is “working on a fix for this and your breasts should be back to normal soon.” No word on which programmer screwed up or if they believe that “confession is good for the soul”.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Americans for Al Qaeda, Rosie O’Donnell for Matthew McConaughey

Filed under Humor, IP News

Bulletproof Fashions and Police Who Raid Jails

Cops get fussy about inmates with guns and cash
Clothiers add new bulletproof designs

Inebriated Press
June 5, 2008

CBS News reported Tuesday that Brazilian police raided a jail and confiscated two handguns, a plasma TV and $170,000 in cash. And NPR reported that Mexico is seeing such a large increase in violence from drug cartels that clothing makers are creating fashionable bulletproof blazers and T-shirts lined with body armor. Sex and violence never looked so good.

“I have this sexy bustier that’ll repel 9 millimeter bullets and still attract any guy I want,” said Hissy Fitt, a blonde bombshell heavy on attitude and light on clothing. “When you go to the clubs I do, it makes sense to pack heat and wear armor, so I do both. I can bang guys in all kinds of ways and leave them dead or alive. I like the freedom of choice. I’m a cautious gal but with flair.”

Some people think that sex and violence is permeating society and can’t go on much longer without cultural disintegration. “When the cops start raiding the jails you know that things are getting out of hand. I mean for crying out loud, the cops are the jail,” gushed Commissioner Gordon, a hard working crime-fighter who wishes there really were a Batman, and that he could get a date with Hissy Fitt. “I’m all for designer bullet proof vests and jackets and think the police could use a fashion update. But my real concern is that when society begins dressing citizens with bullet proof materials while advocating that we don’t allow them to carry guns, we’re creating sheep among wolves. I say start issuing 9 mm pistols to anybody without a record who wants them, and then watch crime fall. Probably be a few bodies to collect between now and then, but you can bet a little vigilante justice would clear up a few things. I can’t believe I just said that.”

CBS News reported that officials in northeastern Brazil say they confiscated the equivalent of more than $170,000 and two pistols from an imprisoned drug trafficker whose jail cell was equipped with a plasma TV set, a refrigerator and gym equipment. Jose Francisco Leite, head of the state of Bahia’s Prison Affairs Department, said the “posh prison life” Genilson Lins da Silva led came to an abrupt end on Monday when police raided his cell as part of a statewide crackdown on drug trafficking. Leite said Tuesday authorities have ordered an investigation to find out how Silva got the money and guns into his cell.

NPR reported that a Colombian clothing maker, who recently opened up shop in Mexico City, is enjoying brisk new business. Miguel Caballero’s racks are lined with bulletproof blazers, women’s suede jackets that’ll stop a .44 Magnum, T-shirts lined with body armor, and guayabera shirts for catching sun or bullets. The report said Mexico has seen a huge surge in violence recently as the government attempts to crack down on the nation’s powerful drug cartels. Caballero first started making bulletproof clothes in his native Colombia in the early 1990s. It was at the peak of the Medellin drug cartel’s power, and Colombia was awash in violence. Now the multibillion-dollar drug trade is dominated by Mexican cartels. Starting at around $2,000, Caballero offers bulletproof business suits, long Burberry-type raincoats, slick biker jackets and a women’s ski parka in orange with a fake fur collar. Some experts say that violence is natural and should be embraced like the trend toward organic foods.

“You can’t get more back to nature than when fighting for survival in a predatory Darwinian styled culture where the strong survive and the sick, weak or unfortunate are snuffed out in a hail of bullets or global warming,” said Heather Sunbeam, a naturalist who runs an alternative new age bookstore and does a little arms trafficking on the side. “To be truly one with the spirit of our age and yet be at peace and feel in control, you should wear crystals, a bulletproof blazer and a PX4 Berretta Storm 9mm. I eat only natural foods and have shot a couple guys following me home late one night when I trapped them in an alley. I’m thinking of starting my own strip club called Darwin’s Place for the New Age. Anybody who doesn’t tip the dancers well enough is shot. It’d take sex and violence to a new level and reduce the numbers of assholes in society. The girls would be naked except for the 9mm on their thigh. It’d be sexy and ooze a new kind of power. I’d get it started right away except I’m currently wanted by the police. I’ll have to wait until it blows over.”

In other news, the UCLA Newsroom reports that tobacco smokers who eat three servings of fruits and vegetables per day and drink green or black tea may be protecting themselves from lung cancer, according to a first-of-its-kind study by UCLA cancer researchers. UCLA researchers found that smokers who ingested high levels of natural chemicals called flavonoids in their diet had a lower risk of developing lung cancer. No word on whether green or black tea also helps resist bullets but at least the colors work with most body armor.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Bulletproof Fashions and Police Who Raid Jails

Filed under Humor, IP News