Americans for Al Qaeda, Rosie O’Donnell for Matthew McConaughey

Coming clean and baring souls in America

Inebriated Press
June 5, 2008

Reuters reported that a U.S. born man who trained with al Qaeda in Afghanistan pleaded guilty on Tuesday to plotting to bomb targets in the United States and Europe. And Journal News’ Suburbarazzi reported that in an interview with Howard Stern, Rosie O’Donnell, a lesbian, admitted that Matthew McConaughey turns her on. The old homily “confession is good for the soul” appears to be making a comeback.

“It felt great to come clean and tell people that I’m actually a man in drag,” said Cher, in a garbled interview with an Inebriated reporter fighting a crack addiction and claiming that this report is completely true. “It’s one of the reasons that Sonny Bono and I never got along as good as we could have. We had domination issues. We bought our daughter from a used car salesman in North Hollywood. I’m afraid it may have affected her. I sure feel a lot better getting this stuff out in the open and talking about it.”

Some experts believe that the less people know about you or your intentions, the better. “There’s no reason that people should know about certain things, it does no one any good because they may get uncomfortable and then try to stop you,” said Yu Keep Qiett, a Chinese information manager and part-time Barack Obama advisor. “Some things get out in the open eventually like when your pets die from eating food imported from our country, or someone’s spiritual advisor for 20 years gets some publicity. These are unfortunate events. Truth can be bothersome in that way. Best to keep as much as you can hidden until you have power enough to shrug it off. It worked for Mao and Hitler; it can work for you and your presidential candidates.”

Reuters reported that Christopher Paul, 44, entered a guilty plea in U.S. district court in Columbus, Ohio, for plotting to bomb targets in the United States and Europe. He agreed to serve 20 years in prison under terms of the deal. Paul was born in Ohio as Paul Kenyatta Laws and converted to Islam while in college, then trained with al Qaeda in Afghanistan and fought in Bosnia in the 1990s. Paul, known also by a string of aliases including Abdul Malek Kenyatta, was arrested last year in Ohio on charges of conspiring to aid terrorists, conspiring to use a weapon of mass destruction and providing material support to terrorists. Al Qaeda members in Europe in 1997 asked him to form a jihad group, which he trained around Columbus. Asked to provide explosives training, he agreed to help an Islamic fundamentalist cell in Germany, which also intended to attack within the United States.

The Journal News’ Suburbarazzi reported that in a telephone interview with Howard Stern, Rosie O’Donnell said she really did have a crush on Tom Cruise, and revealed that Matthew McConaughey also turned her on while slow-talking his way through a description on how to make beer-can chicken. She said her current celebrity crushes include Angelina Jolie, Angela Bassett, Penélope Cruz, Salma Hayek and Diane Lane. She said she was sexually abused as a child, lost her virginity when she was 21 to a man, and could count her number of sexual conquests on “two hands.” She added that rumors of a wild life as a single woman had been greatly exaggerated, adding, “I’m not even nude in the shower.” O’Donnell said she’s attended therapy sessions since she was 16 and now sees a therapist on a weekly basis. Some people say there should be no secrets because greater transparency results in markets and relationships that are fairer.

“If everything is out in the open, then a commodities trader and a blind date can make a more informed decision about what they want to buy, sell or deal with,” said an unnamed CIA operative who moonlights as a pimp. “Professionally prepared briefing documentation should come with every guy or gal looking for a date, and every home in the world should be wire tapped by the government, and the data made available on the Internet. If all secrets were revealed, peace and harmony would result — after an initial round of killings and violence to set things straight. Only my stuff should be kept secret. But that’s because I’m special.”

In other news, reported that a recent Age of Conan software program patch reduced the bust size of certain female avatars. The disproportionate (some might say realistic) boobage was spotted over the weekend, after Funcom had released a patch addressing unrelated issues in the game. The breast reduction is “due to an unintended change,” the developer said in an official forum post, responding to upset gamers who quickly noticed the D-cup discrepancy. According to Funcom, the development team is “working on a fix for this and your breasts should be back to normal soon.” No word on which programmer screwed up or if they believe that “confession is good for the soul”.

(C) 2008

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