Bulletproof Fashions and Police Who Raid Jails

Cops get fussy about inmates with guns and cash
Clothiers add new bulletproof designs

Inebriated Press
June 5, 2008

CBS News reported Tuesday that Brazilian police raided a jail and confiscated two handguns, a plasma TV and $170,000 in cash. And NPR reported that Mexico is seeing such a large increase in violence from drug cartels that clothing makers are creating fashionable bulletproof blazers and T-shirts lined with body armor. Sex and violence never looked so good.

“I have this sexy bustier that’ll repel 9 millimeter bullets and still attract any guy I want,” said Hissy Fitt, a blonde bombshell heavy on attitude and light on clothing. “When you go to the clubs I do, it makes sense to pack heat and wear armor, so I do both. I can bang guys in all kinds of ways and leave them dead or alive. I like the freedom of choice. I’m a cautious gal but with flair.”

Some people think that sex and violence is permeating society and can’t go on much longer without cultural disintegration. “When the cops start raiding the jails you know that things are getting out of hand. I mean for crying out loud, the cops are the jail,” gushed Commissioner Gordon, a hard working crime-fighter who wishes there really were a Batman, and that he could get a date with Hissy Fitt. “I’m all for designer bullet proof vests and jackets and think the police could use a fashion update. But my real concern is that when society begins dressing citizens with bullet proof materials while advocating that we don’t allow them to carry guns, we’re creating sheep among wolves. I say start issuing 9 mm pistols to anybody without a record who wants them, and then watch crime fall. Probably be a few bodies to collect between now and then, but you can bet a little vigilante justice would clear up a few things. I can’t believe I just said that.”

CBS News reported that officials in northeastern Brazil say they confiscated the equivalent of more than $170,000 and two pistols from an imprisoned drug trafficker whose jail cell was equipped with a plasma TV set, a refrigerator and gym equipment. Jose Francisco Leite, head of the state of Bahia’s Prison Affairs Department, said the “posh prison life” Genilson Lins da Silva led came to an abrupt end on Monday when police raided his cell as part of a statewide crackdown on drug trafficking. Leite said Tuesday authorities have ordered an investigation to find out how Silva got the money and guns into his cell.

NPR reported that a Colombian clothing maker, who recently opened up shop in Mexico City, is enjoying brisk new business. Miguel Caballero’s racks are lined with bulletproof blazers, women’s suede jackets that’ll stop a .44 Magnum, T-shirts lined with body armor, and guayabera shirts for catching sun or bullets. The report said Mexico has seen a huge surge in violence recently as the government attempts to crack down on the nation’s powerful drug cartels. Caballero first started making bulletproof clothes in his native Colombia in the early 1990s. It was at the peak of the Medellin drug cartel’s power, and Colombia was awash in violence. Now the multibillion-dollar drug trade is dominated by Mexican cartels. Starting at around $2,000, Caballero offers bulletproof business suits, long Burberry-type raincoats, slick biker jackets and a women’s ski parka in orange with a fake fur collar. Some experts say that violence is natural and should be embraced like the trend toward organic foods.

“You can’t get more back to nature than when fighting for survival in a predatory Darwinian styled culture where the strong survive and the sick, weak or unfortunate are snuffed out in a hail of bullets or global warming,” said Heather Sunbeam, a naturalist who runs an alternative new age bookstore and does a little arms trafficking on the side. “To be truly one with the spirit of our age and yet be at peace and feel in control, you should wear crystals, a bulletproof blazer and a PX4 Berretta Storm 9mm. I eat only natural foods and have shot a couple guys following me home late one night when I trapped them in an alley. I’m thinking of starting my own strip club called Darwin’s Place for the New Age. Anybody who doesn’t tip the dancers well enough is shot. It’d take sex and violence to a new level and reduce the numbers of assholes in society. The girls would be naked except for the 9mm on their thigh. It’d be sexy and ooze a new kind of power. I’d get it started right away except I’m currently wanted by the police. I’ll have to wait until it blows over.”

In other news, the UCLA Newsroom reports that tobacco smokers who eat three servings of fruits and vegetables per day and drink green or black tea may be protecting themselves from lung cancer, according to a first-of-its-kind study by UCLA cancer researchers. UCLA researchers found that smokers who ingested high levels of natural chemicals called flavonoids in their diet had a lower risk of developing lung cancer. No word on whether green or black tea also helps resist bullets but at least the colors work with most body armor.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

Comments Off on Bulletproof Fashions and Police Who Raid Jails

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.