America Ponders Move to USSR or Wild West Style Security

Police checkpoints in Washington DC: “got papers?”
Starbucks patrons wear gun belts in Utah: “got bullets?”

Inebriated Press
June 9, 2008

The UK Telegraph reported that Washington DC has gone old-school-USSR as police set up checkpoints, ask for identification and reasons for travel, and turn away those deemed lacking a “legitimate purpose” to be in the area. Meanwhile the Los Angeles Times reported that folks in Utah are openly carrying revolvers in holsters around town while shopping and in businesses. The Eastern U.S. is turning to old Soviet tactics to control bad guys while the Western U.S. turns to cowboy days with regular citizens ready to bust crooks themselves. Pundits debate whether the U.S. should ban all guns and embrace Soviet tactics or return to the days when cowboys packed six shooters and took justice into their own hands.

“You rob a bank or try to steal a car while I’m around and you don’t have outrun the cops if they show up in time, you have to deal with me right now,” said Jesse James-Cagne, a reformed gambler and owner of the Hooters and Ammo strip club and gun shop. “I believe that you solve your on problems and you add value to society by putting an end to thieves, and if you can, provide access to tits and ass. Some people are against all of that and want the government to provide all security and give you sexual excitement through taxation. Well I say that the west wasn’t won through reliance on bureaucrats or Red Army checkpoints. It was won by regular folks shooting bad guys and banging good women. Anyway, that’s the America I know and love.”

Some people think that civilized society requires all people to give up personal arms and peacefully submit to government control and managed freedoms. “The U.S. has moved beyond the old days of the Wild West and we need to shed notions of personal initiative and rely on our government to do what’s necessary for our personal protection, healthcare, education and perhaps eventually tell us whom to marry and how long to stay alive,” said Bigg Brotherr, a managed society advocate who dreams of a utopian era where freedom comes through the control of all things by the federal government. “The idea that individual people make decisions about what they do, who they see, their educational level, sexual and intellectual interests, and take some kind of personal responsibility for their acts, is long past. People exist for the benefit of society and as keepers of society it’s up to government to govern all aspects of life. If left to the individual these important activities are often undirected and people do whatever they want. Government is best suited to tell people what’s in their own best interest.”

The U.K. Telegraph reported that police in Washington DC have set up vehicle checkpoints in the American capital in a controversial measure aimed at tackling a wave of gun violence. Drivers’ identification is checked and those who don’t have a “legitimate purpose” in the area, such as a church visit or doctor’s appointment are turned away. The checkpoints were set up after eight people were killed in the city last weekend. Civil liberties groups have criticized the measures and have dispatched a team of lawyers and law students to monitor the situation. Washington’s police chief and mayor have insisted that the checkpoints are a legal and necessary step to stop a spike in violence. Officers will search cars only if they observe guns or drugs and pedestrians will not be affected.

Los Angeles Times reported that gun owners in Utah and other states are tired of hiding their weapons and embracing ‘open carry.’ The article said that for years, Kevin Jensen carried a pistol everywhere he went, tucked in a shoulder holster beneath his clothes. Then one evening he stumbled across a site that urged gun owners to do something revolutionary: Carry your gun openly for the world to see as you go about your business. In most states there’s no law against that. Now Jensen carries his Glock 23 openly into his bank, restaurants and shopping centers. Jensen is part of a fledgling movement to make a firearm as common an accessory as an iPod. “I’m not going to hide in the corner of a school and mall and wait for the shooting to stop,” he said. Utah has no law prohibiting anyone from carrying a gun in public, as long as it is two steps from firing — for example, the weapon may have a loaded clip but must be uncocked, with no bullets in the chamber.

Bill White, a 24-year-old graduate student in ancient languages at the University of Colorado at Boulder, wears his Colt pistol out in the open when he goes to his local Starbucks. Earlier this month a tourist from California spotted him and snapped a photo on his cellphone. “He said it would prove he was in the Wild West,” White recalled. Some advocates say that the world will be safer when all citizens have guns and the police have none.

“You want to avoid a police state; you take the guns away from the police and give them all to the citizens. Let the police act like referees and the regular folks do the shooting. There’s more good people than bad, so good will prevail,” said Turner Loose, a sex and violence advocate who believes that playing fast and loose with bullets and broads is the key to better living. “You think that five kindergarten teachers with Beretta’s and AK 47’s are going to be intimidated by some asshole with pantyhose over his head and a Colt with a half full clip? They’d take the bastard down where he stands. It takes guts to handle a herd of five-year-olds all day, every day. They’ll take no shit from some prick with underwear on his head who thinks he’s somebody and wants to steal their stuff.”

In related news, the Kansas City Star reported that Mark Muller’s Max Moters dealership in Butler, Mo. offers buyers of a new or used car the choice of a $250 gas card or $250 toward the purchase of a handgun. The article said Muller claims his gun offer is a direct response to the remark Barack Obama made at a San Francisco fundraiser in the lead-up to April’s Pennsylvania presidential primary. Obama explained the anxiety of middle-class Americans this way: “… (T)hey get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them, or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

Muller is still plenty sore. It’s not that he clings to guns and religion. But being a resident of rural middle America, he embraces both in a firm fashion. “Every American should carry a gun for their own safety,” he said. “We all carry guns here (at the dealership).”We’re all God-fearing, gun-toting Americans.” No word on whether Obama prefers an irreligious police state but based on statements from his spiritual advisors, it’s probably safe to say he considers it a viable option.

(C) 2008

Comments Off on America Ponders Move to USSR or Wild West Style Security

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.