Talk Cardboard Cops and Monkey Gods, but Don’t Say Rape

Reality is just a concept

Inebriated Press
June 9, 2008

CNN reported Saturday that a Hindu monkey god has been named chairman of an Indian business school with hopes that the decision will make the one-year-old institution a success. And AFP reported Friday that police in Canada are deploying cardboard replicas of traffic cops pointing a radar gun at oncoming traffic hoping to psyche out speeding drivers. Meanwhile the Kansas City Star reported Saturday that a Lincoln, Neb., judge issued an order prohibiting Tory Bowen from describing her rape as “sexual assault” or as “rape.” The judge said the defendant’s presumption of innocence trumps Bowen’s right of free speech. Bowen said she didn’t know how else to describe her rape. Experts say that monkey gods and cardboard cops display sufficient reality to be discussed in open terms but that political correctness dictates talk of sexual assault is played down.

“It’s easy to accept monkey gods heading up educational institutions and cardboard cut-outs taking over law enforcement positions because we all know that rule of law and intellectual development are pretty subjective and open to various interpretations. But an attack and rape of a woman is a physical and tactile thing and discussing it for what it is makes rapists uncomfortable, because possible physical incarceration is involved, and that makes talking about that as reality a politically incorrect approach, so it shouldn’t be allowed,” said Won Knutcase, an existential cement worker who believes that all things are relative except concrete. “It’s important that we don’t correlate so called physical reality as having meaning equal to existential or monkey god and cardboard cop reality. Those realities exist in time and space outside of the purely physical realm and yet impact the physical more than typical physical things like shoes, chewing gum or rape. Only concrete products carry the same reality as a cardboard police officer and that’s because it’s what I believe.”

Some people think that ascribing unique powers to invisible deities or cardboard people over and above definitive language makes a mockery of natural law and common sense. “To rule that terms like rape and sexual assault can’t be used to describe rape and sexual assault is like saying you can’t use the term “car accident” to describe a car accident, or the term “money god” to describe a monkey god,” said I.M. Reell, a short plain-looking guy, often ignored by those confident that they know better. “I’d say that political correctness has gone berserk except that we have no problem talking about what idiots white guys are, or how logical it is that monkey gods are the chairmen of business schools. We free up kids from saying the pledge of allegiance to the flag and hand them condoms instead. Then we wonder why they don’t give a rip about the country but engage in sex more frequently at earlier ages. We’ve traded common sense for rules that are relative, and protect society with cardboard people and meaningless words. But real people are needed to stop real crimes and plain speaking is needed to tell people what the hell is going on. Society continues to speed up and dumb down. We’re lost but making good time.”

The Kansas City Star reported that rape is the only way Tory Bowen knows to honestly describe what happened to her. But a judge prohibited her from uttering the word “rape” in front of a jury. The term “sexual assault” also was taboo, and Bowen could not refer to herself as a victim or use the word “assailant” to describe the man who allegedly raped her. The defendant’s presumption of innocence and right to a fair trial trumps Bowen’s right of free speech, said the Lincoln, Neb., judge who issued the order. Bowen’s case is part of what some prosecutors and victim advocates see as a national trend in sexual assault cases. “It’s a topic that’s coming up more and more,” said Joshua Marquis, an Oregon prosecutor and a vice president of the National District Attorneys Association. “You’re moving away from what a criminal trial is really about. To force a victim to say, ‘when the defendant and I had sexual intercourse’ is just absurd.” Bowen’s case gained national notoriety and drew the attention of free-speech proponents after she filed a lawsuit challenging the judge’s actions as a First Amendment violation. A federal appeals court dismissed the suit, but Bowen’s attorney plans to petition the U.S. Supreme Court.

CNN reported that Hanuman, a revered Hindu monkey god, has been named official chairman of the recently opened Sardar Bhagat Singh College of Technology and Management in northern India, a school official said Saturday. The position comes with an incense-filled office, a desk and a laptop computer. “It is our belief that any job that has the blessings of Lord Hanuman is bound to be a success,” said Vivek Kangdi, the school’s vice chairman. Hindus believe that Hanuman can lift mountains and leap oceans, but ancient texts make no mention of his business acumen. Hanuman is one of the most popular gods in the crowded pantheon of Hindu deities. The Sardar Bhagat Singh College in Lucknow, the capital of Uttar Pradesh, India’s most populous state, awards bachelor’s degrees in engineering and management. The school opened last year.

AFP reported that police in westernmost Canada are deploying life-size cardboard replicas of traffic cops pointing a radar gun at oncoming traffic to try to reduce speeding and road fatalities, authorities said. Eight of the cut-outs will initially be deployed on city streets, Staff Sergeant Ralph Pauw said. And in case some drivers aren’t fooled by the facsimiles, “there may or may not be a (real) police officer behind one of these cut-outs,” he added. The police initiative called Operation Silhouette follows similar trickery used elsewhere, including “bait cars” for thieves, fake intersection cameras and mechanical moose used by Canadian wildlife officers to nab poachers. Some pundits say that artificial reality almost always trumps the real thing.

“Taking a taxi instead of walking, using air conditioning instead of being in 95 degree heat, getting silicon breast implants or a guy taking Viagra, these are all evidence of life being way better when enhanced artificially than when relying on what seems natural or real,” said Heather Candy-Sweetrope, a cowgirl lasso phenomenon who barrel races horses and makes guys babble incoherently when she looks them in the eye. “I’ll bet over half of everything we are and do is either partly or totally altered from reality. And it all makes life better. But when it comes to rape, forget the esoteric. Cut off the guy’s balls and roll the bastard into the street. Let him sort out the real from the ethereal in the gutter. He won’t need definitive words to understand it.”

In other news, the UK Times Online reported that a 12-year-old girl in Scotland brought up by her parents on a strict vegan diet has been admitted to hospital with a degenerative bone condition said to have left her with the spine of an 80-year-old woman. The girl, who has been fed on a strict meat and dairy-free diet from birth, is said to have a severe form of rickets and to have suffered a number of fractured bones. Meanwhile Radio Iowa reported that two scantily clad women from PETA laid down in boxes and were covered with fake blood and then plastic wrap in a popular downtown plaza. PETA spokesperson Ashley Byrne says the women were portraying packaged meat in a store to show that all animals are made of flesh — and to bring attention to the suffering of animals killed for food. No word on why PETA thinks it’s better that vegan girls suffer from degenerative bone conditions instead of eating a burger and being healthy. The monkey god was unavailable for comment.

(C) 2008

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