Anti-Energy Drinks and Catholic Sex-Trade Boosting

Our brave new counterintuitive world

Inebriated Press
June 10, 2008

The Village Voice reported last week that there’s a new energy, no strike that, a new anti-energy drink on the market called Drank. It’s themed “the anti-energy drink.” And Australia’s NEWS reported that the upcoming Catholic World Youth Day event will bring a “boost for the sex industry.” A new age of anti-energy has apparently spawned from the energy drink craze, and conservative sex themes are ramping up sexual escapades down under. Looks like those old rascals Yin and Yang are at it again. Either that or it’s Bud and Ethel making all that noise in the back of the bus.

“To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. A physical body will remain at rest, or continue to move at a constant velocity, unless an outside net force acts upon it,” said Isaac Newton, a really old guy, as he sat contemplating the Democrat healthcare plan and the ramifications of asking Hillary Clinton out for a date. “Sometimes when you do stuff, inertia is created and this can be good if that’s what you want. If you don’t want it, then you’ve got to find a way to stop it and there’s usually somebody around trying to do that, so you get a reaction. It’s like the time Bill Clinton was banging interns in the Oval Office and when pressed on the issue he started lying to a Grand Jury. Often there are reactions to an action and then reactions to the reaction. It all makes sense but it’ll drive you crazy if you think about it too long. At least that’s what I think is going on with Obama and the Jeremiah Wright thing.”

Some people believe that inaction is the best cure for some actions. “I’m a strong believer in entropy and like to let things go along on their own until they wind down. Everything runs out of energy eventually and there’s no point getting excited about stuff,” said Walther Nernst, also an old guy, but not quite as old as Newton. “On the other hand, if you’ve got stuff you want to do it’s best to get at it or you’ll be too tired. At least that’s what happened to me when I went to World Youth Day and I had postulated theorems all afternoon and was too beat to spend time with the hookers. Then I made the mistake of downing an anti-energy drink because the container looked like Red Bull. I was really screwed then. And not at all the way I had planned.”

Village Voice reported that there’s a new carbonated, grape-flavored beverage spiked with melatonin, valerian root and rose hips. It’s called Drank and it’s an anti-energy drink the makers refer to as “the extreme relaxation beverage.” According to a publicist for the company it is “very, very popular in Houston,” and it’s sold throughout the south in liquor and convenience stores. Here’s a direct quote from the products public relations piece: “From design to production, every aspect of this calming drink was inspired by today’s popular hip hop artists who embrace the much sought-after hip hop lifestyle that encourages people to capture a stress-free state of mind.” If they’re right I guess hip hop will be renamed sip flop after people start chugging this stuff.

NEWS Australia reported that the sex industry is expected to be blessed with an increase in customers thanks to the most unlikely of sources – World Youth Day. A report by Industry analysts IBISWorld predicted the 2008-09 financial year would see strong growth for brothels, strip clubs and prostitutes, primarily on the back of a marked increase in tourism levels to Sydney as a result of the Catholic Church’s World Youth Day. IBIS World senior industry analyst Ed Butler said the report did not suggest the 225,000 international pilgrims or clergy would be heading to brothels or strip clubs. But the event, to be held from July 15 to 20, would also draw people from outside the church including tourists, support staff and media – and some of them would use the sex industry’s services. Ramada Khawley, function manager for strip clubs such as Men’s Gallery and Pure Platinum, said she was not expecting an upswing in trading. “But we’ll keep a table reserved for the Pope,” she said. Some people think that anti-energy drinks and Catholic strip clubs are paving the way to a new and better age.

“The high jolt energy drinks are unhealthy because they force a person’s body into a level of over-drive that it’s not designed for, and irreligious strip clubs have way too much corruption and disease associated with them,” said Cardinal Redd-Foxx, a thoughtful libertarian whose conservative political views are balanced by liberal libido ideas. “It’s time that strip clubs are run by religious orders so that they stay well managed and the girls are well cared for and fairly compensated. And anti-energy drinks should be served at all clubs and political functions. If everyone is laid back at the clubs patrons will pay well and not hurt anyone, and at political conventions the public will still get screwed but it’ll not seem so bad. Now that I think about it, political conventions and strip clubs are really pretty much the same. You just vote a little differently because the ballet box isn’t quite the same.”

In other news, The Coloradoan reported that debate over custody of the pets after a marriage goes bad is every bit as intense as who keeps the house or plasma TV. Experts say sometimes it’s best for the pet to stay with the person who keeps the house where it has lived, but not always. Because there’s no “in the best interest of the dog” standard in law, said lawyer Jeffrey Lalloway of Irvine, Calif., the pet’s living arrangements should be discussed rationally. No word on how a discussion about pets will be any more rational than the rest of the Hillbilly Ho-Down that ensues during divorce, but maybe a few slugs of anti-energy drink will at least calm everybody a little bit. Or not.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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