Have an Affair and Save Your Marriage

But Not in New York City, 25% Have Herpes and Lots of Other Crap

Inebriated Press
June 11, 2008

The UK Telegraph newspaper reported last week that having an affair can help to save a struggling marriage as long as it’s the ‘right kind’ of affair. And based on a new study the ‘right kind’ might not be in New York City. WCBS TV New York reports that a new study found that 25% of NYC residents have herpes, and that rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea and infectious syphilis are also higher than the national average. Debate over what constitutes the ‘right kind’ of affair is roiling around like a clogged toilet just moments away from moistening your toes.

“There is no such thing as the ‘right kind’ of affair no matter what the health condition of the person you’re screwing on the side,” said Bobbie ‘Busty’ Masterson-Matron, a plain talking anesthesiologist, recently acquitted for knocking out her cheating husband with a converted form of gas from their lawnmower. “Any married person out on the prowl for somebody’s ass other than their spouses isn’t trying to save their marriage. And that’s a fact no matter what anybody says. I haven’t inhaled enough junk to start my brain free wheeling down that track.”

Not everyone sees it the way Masterson-Matron does. “The experts are right. If your marriage is on the rocks you should get out there and start banging away at whatever you can find. Horsing around will help you sort out what kind of reality you’re really dealing with, and maybe even help you decide to stay home some nights,” said Fuzzy Lumpkins, a warm hearted fake person, often found to be more clever than a real one. “And don’t worry about disease; just keep Saran Wrap handy for all occasions. The whole thing could shock you into staying in your marriage when you find out just what a mess the single scene is. Just keep plowing ahead. Never turning back is the important thing. It’s that kind of philosophy that helped me invent the Meat Gun.”

The Telegraph reported that Mira Kirshenbaum, who has over 30 years’ experience as a marriage therapist, says the ‘right kind’ of affair can be a positive thing, acting to “jolt people from their inertia”. The author of When Good People Have Affairs, published last week, argues that because society has so far failed to have a sympathetic discussion of infidelity, the positive sides of cheating have been ignored. However, she insists that most cheating spouses should never own up, because revealing the infidelity is more damaging than keeping quiet. “Sometimes an affair can be the best way for the person who has been unfaithful to get the information and impetus to change,” she said. “I’m not encouraging affairs, but underlying the complicated mess is a kind of deep and delicate wisdom.” Her sympathetic approach to cheats has been criticized by some of her peers. Phillip Hodson, fellow of the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapists said: “We mustn’t underestimate the immediate grief caused by an affair.”

WCBS TV reported that a new study by New York City’s Health Department found more than a quarter of adult residents are infected with the herpes virus. The study also found that rates of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and infectious syphilis were also higher than the national rate. According to the study, 26 percent of city residents have the virus that causes genital herpes, an incurable sexually-transmitted infection that can cause painful genital sores and can double a person’s risk for HIV. It also found the rate was higher among gay men than heterosexual men – 32 percent compared to 18 percent. Dr. Julia Schillinger, Director of Surveillance for the Health Department’s Bureau of STD Prevention and Control and lead author of the study said, “Some people will have painful genital sores and the infection fosters the spread of HIV. We advise New Yorkers to protect themselves and others. Using condoms consistently will help you avoid getting or spreading genital herpes.” The study was the city’s first measurement of those infected with the virus. Some experts say that relationships involve sharing and that certain risks are inevitable.

“When you spend time with another person and begin to open up about yourself and let your protective guard down, you risk ridicule or misunderstanding and may get your feelings hurt. Sometimes when you engage in a physical relationship and let your protective guard down, you risk STD’s like genital herpes, that’s just the way life is,” said Sandra Rosy-Redd-Brown, a tastefully dressed pension fund manager, whose intelligence and good looks mask a body carrying more risk than a portfolio heavy on mortgage backed securities. “You can’t let risk keep you out of the market. You’ve got to be fully engaged in the game if you hope to win at life or investing. And if the horse you’re riding drops dead under you, you bury it in that far away place in your heart and move on to another. There are lots of other guys and securities with good PE ratios to chase out there. And if you get an STD, get the med’s and manage it the best you can. Sometime’s you never fully recover from a hit to your portfolio. And I’ve been hit numerous times. I just keep banging way. Learn to enjoy the little wins and keep working toward the big score.”

In other news, UK’s Telegraph reported last Friday that a new study traces the evolution of the human brain. Research in the journal Nature Neuroscience by Professor Seth Grant, Head of the Genes to Cognition Programme at the Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute, suggests that it is not size alone that gives more brain power but sophisticated molecular processing of nerve impulses providing more connections within the brain. “The molecular evolution of the synapse is like the evolution of computer chips – the increasing complexity has given them more power and those animals with the most powerful chips can do the most,” said Professor Grant. No word on why all that brainpower still has some people engaging in unprotected sex or thinking that screwing around on the side is the best way to save their marriage.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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