Playboy Sues PETA for Infringement

Nudity in public is Playboy turf
Have at it with the animals though

Inebriated Press – Tabloid Division
June 16, 2008

Inebriated reporters say Playboy Enterprises filed suit against the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) today, citing infringement on public nudity rights. According to Barney Fife A.K.A. Howard Hughes, A.K.A. Lester Morso, an Inebriated reporter of some repute, Playboy chief Hugh Hefner has had enough of PETA’s nude tactics cutting in on sales.

“Heff said that the PETA folks can mess around with animals if they want, but they have to stop their naked street protests and naked pictures of actresses in the media,” said Lester Morso, brushing his teeth with Captain Morgan and rising with Absolut. “He said he’s done letting it pass and is mad as hell.”

Reportedly Heffner was in his bathroom nursing hemorrhoids and a flare up of herpes when he saw a picture of sexy Hollywood star Alicia Silverstone in a PETA magazine ad. Silverstone has repeatedly refused to pose for Heffner, but did it for free at PETA. He turned the page and saw pictures of a naked Pamela Anderson at a PETA event protesting KFC chicken, also free of charge. When he remembered how much it cost him to get Pam’s breasts out in the open he was even more pissed off.

“There was Preparation H sprayed all over that damn room and its PETA to blame,” said Edith Kumright, a cleaning woman and Lasik technician at the L.A. Playboy mansion. “Don’t tell anyone I said anything, but it was the biggest mess that rooms seen since Heff judged that chili competition. That was some nasty shit.”

Legal experts say that Heffner has no case and won’t be able to stop PETA from getting volunteer strippers for their advertising or public outings. And while it is illegal to be nude in a public place, most law enforcement officials are satisfied to arrest the naked PETA protesters and haul them around in their squad cars. No one plans to try and stop PETA’s efforts at the top.

“It breaks up the day, it’s not dangerous and some of those babes are really hot,” said an Iowa police officer covering his name and badge. “Every year these PETA chicks strip down in Des Moines to protest the World Pork Expo, and all the officers try to get the Expo detail in order to be there. It’s damn hard to beat chowing down on BBQ at the Expo, and then snagging some nude bitches off the street. Too bad it’s only an annual event.”

In other news, Russia Today reported last week that students in Ukraine stripped down for a sexy protest against having their hot water switched off. Dozens of girls plunged into a fountain in Kiev’s Independence Square for a wet T-shirt demonstration. Equipped with soap and sponges, many stripped down to their bikinis or underwear. The event drew a large crowd of onlookers. The article said the annual cut to the hot water supply is a common practice in Ukraine. It is often switched off for a month during summer to carry out maintenance work on the pipes. The girls said they wanted to attract the authorities’ attention to the poor timing which has come in the middle of exams. No word on whether Playboy or PETA will sue the students for infringement, but Inebriated reporters are on the case and say if anything comes of it, they’ll Absolut-ly have the story.

(C) 2008

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