Fast Food Diets Work and Sleep Heals Stab Wounds

The Wonderful World of Antithesis

Inebriated Press
June 20, 2008

The Richmond Times-Dispatch reported last week that an Indiana man has lost 79 pounds by eating at McDonald’s every day. And the Chicago Tribune reported Tuesday that an Aurora, Illinois man, who was stabbed in the chest during a fight, went home, slept it off and woke up refreshed. Looks like sleeping-in and eating junk food are the keys to healthy living. Maybe this explains why teenagers are so full of energy and the rest of us who eat right but don’t get enough sleep, have to pound caffeine every day to keep going.

“You have no idea how much better I feel since I started sleeping-in until noon everyday, then eating a Big Mac and washing it down with a Coke and heading to work,” said Big Bob Thompson, a broad-minded big-assed landscape company owner, who’s always up for a new idea and likes plants and grass of all kinds. “My business has suffered because I’m not around as much as I used to be, but I’ve never felt better. I may have even lost weight. If I could get my wife Barb to stick around the bedroom for some aerobic action at noon, I’d be on cloud nine and perkier than a young buck in spring. But she seems to think that getting down to the bank where she’s V.P. is more important. It’ll probably kill her in the long run, but what can a guy do?”

Not everyone buys what Thompson is selling. “You can’t work half-days and eat junk food and survive financially or health-wise. It just doesn’t work that way,” said Raquel ‘Hard-Ass Hard-Body’ Malone, a steel worker and part time stripper who eats tofu, steak and electrolytes. “If you want to get ahead, you work construction during the day and down plenty of protein, then show off that body nights and snack light. Drink plenty of water and get some rest, have sex for a quick pick-me-up in the morning, and start the day on the job again. I look great, feel great and when the stock market comes back, my Roth IRA will be muscle-bound too — I’m buying cheap right now. You got to look after your money and body if you want to last a while and enjoy your time knocking around on the planet.”

The Richmond Times-Dispatch reported that Chris Coleson was frustrated by a number of false starts with losing weight and made a bold prediction to his wife, Tricia Sumner — that he could lose weight and do it by eating only at McDonald’s. Coleson dropped from 278 pounds when he started the diet Dec. 3 to 199 as of June 10, the last time he weighed himself. He eats mostly salads, wraps and apple dippers without the caramel sauce, and he has the occasional cheeseburger without the bun. He generally eats two meals a day and tries to keep his daily intake at 1,200 to 1,400 calories. Coleson said the stress of a busy work schedule and raising a son and daughter left no time to exercise. After someone stole a large amount of money from his company last year, his gorging spun out of control. “I was a stress eater,” he said. For his wife’s 40th birthday in April, Coleson spent $274.18 on McDonald’s food, which he catered at the YMCA for about 35 people. But the big present for his wife came when he put on his wedding ring, which he had removed from a painfully swollen finger seven years ago. The license plates on his vehicle now say “MCFIT.” His waist size has dropped from 50 to 36.

The Chicago Tribune reported that an Aurora man slept off a stabbing, police say. Police said the victim was stabbed about 2 a.m. Sunday after leaving a tavern in the 200 block of Hill Avenue, Aurora. Police said he drove home from the bar and fell asleep. After waking up around 12:30 p.m. Sunday, he realized he had been stabbed. The 35-year-old man was undergoing treatment Monday in an Aurora hospital. Aurora police arrested Joel M. Barrios, 37, of the 300 block of Oakwood Avenue, Aurora, on a charge of attempted murder and two counts of aggravated battery. Some people say that ignoring pesky discomforts and having a great life is all about attitude.

“Living well is a state of mind and it doesn’t matter how much money you have or how big or small your ass is,” said Hugh Hefner, an executive whose mansion houses an infinite number of Playboy bunnies and other wildlife, both real and imagined. “I used to let little things like the IRS and stained silk pajama’s get me down, but I made the decision to let my daughter run Playboy Enterprises while I bang the Bentley twins, Sandy and Mandy, whenever I want until I can’t see straight. Boy did that decision pay off in weight loss and relaxation. If I can do it anybody can. It’s all in the mind.”

In other news, CNN reported yesterday that China is renaming menu items for the Olympics. “Chicken without sexual life” has been renamed “Steamed pullet.” And the appetizer “Husband and wife’s lung slice” is taking on the appetizing “Beef and ox tripe in chili sauce.” The article said the government realizes local names are a matter of taste, but don’t want them to get lost in translation. No word on whether it’s also a state of mind, but some people say both old and new names are sure to help most Westerners lose weight while in the country.

(C) 2008

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