Daily Archives: June 23, 2008

Killers Want Veggies and Girls Just Want To Get Knocked Up

Using homeless for sperm donors, teens get pregers
Convicted child killer wins vegan diet, it’s his civil right

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant
June 23, 2008

TIME reported last week that 17 girls at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts, none older than 16, are expecting babies. The girls made a pregnancy pact and worked hard to get knocked up. One of the fathers is even a 24-year-old homeless guy. And the Boston Globe reported that Henry K. Boateng, the convicted killer of his own 5-week-old son, has won a big legal victory: a federal judge found that the state prison system violated his civil rights by denying him a vegan diet. Some pundits are debating the right to pursue happiness and wondering if common sense should be a prerequisite.

“So called experts say that sex and violence in the media doesn’t encourage that behavior in the public, but they’re wrong. It’s conditioned response for crying out loud. Did we forget about that? When we hype up movies like ‘Knocked Up’ and ‘Juno’ and then encourage sexual experimentation by talking up sex and offering birth control to eleven year-olds, like they did at King Middle School in Portland, Maine, you’ve got to expect this kind of stuff,” said Kate Worthy, a sexy insurance adjuster and mother of three, who remains stuck in a vortex of common sense and common decency no matter how unpopular it is. “I’m not saying we go back to Puritan society, but come on people, pull your heads out of your collective asses and suck in some oxygen. You’re not thinking straight. If we keep this up we’ll think convicted killers should have special rights even though they take the lives of innocents. What, we’re already doing that? Shit. Everybody’s lost their minds.”

Not everyone sees it the way Worthy does. “It’s about freedom to do whatever you want. There should be no restrictions on anyone, inhibition of any kind is unnatural and cuts against the natural order of things,” said Jack Stein, a Planned Parenthood executive and hopped up freedom-for-the-masses-at-all-costs advocate who’d like to get-it-on with Kate Worthy if she’d just loosen up a little. “Middle School girls who decide they don’t want to take birth control and want to get knocked up by homeless guys are so sweet I can almost taste them. They should have the right to do whatever they want. And if they change their minds and decide later they don’t want the kid, my shop will flush it out, grind it up and zip it down the drain. Out of site, out of mind, out of body. It’s just a bit of flesh without a voice anyway. And that guy in jail who wants the vegan diet? Well it’s his right to have one. Heck all he did was kill a 5 week-old kid who barely had a voice. We should be able to kill any kid up to about 5 years of age, maybe 12, I’m not sure yet. They’re really not human until they’re old enough to procreate, and then they should be allowed to do anything.”

TIME reported that as summer vacation begins, 17 girls at Gloucester High School are expecting babies—more than four times the number of pregnancies the 1,200-student school had last year. Some adults dismissed the statistic as a blip. Others blamed hit movies like Juno and Knocked Up for glamorizing young unwed mothers. School officials started looking into the matter as early as October after an unusual number of girls began filing into the school clinic to find out if they were pregnant. By May, several students had returned multiple times to get pregnancy tests, and on hearing the results, “some girls seemed more upset when they weren’t pregnant than when they were,” Principal Joseph Sullivan said. All it took was a few simple questions before nearly half the expecting students, none older than 16, confessed to making a pact to get pregnant and raise their babies together. “We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy,” the principal says, shaking his head. Gloucester’s elected school committee plans to vote later this summer on whether to provide contraceptives. But that won’t do much to solve the issue of teens wanting to get pregnant. National data show a 3% rise in teen pregnancies in 2006. Many experts are completely baffled as to why the ongoing decline in morality has somehow influenced sexual behavior.

Natural News reported in April that a middle school in Portland, Maine, is considering a proposal to provide birth control pills and patches to students as young as 11 years old. King Middle School launched a reproductive health program after five of the 135 students who visited the school’s health center in 2006 reported being sexually active. The program already provides condoms to students, but the new proposal would expand this to include prescriptions for birth control pills and patches. The contraceptives could be dispensed without the knowledge of parents. The proposed program has attracted controversy, with some people accusing the school of taking away parental power and encouraging children to have sex too early. But school officials dispute these claims. “Kids just want to screw,” said someone claiming to be one of the teachers. “And more and more teachers want to screw kids. At least it happens a lot in Florida. And why not? We can always abort the unborn children if we want, or let the new Democrat healthcare plan take care of them. It’s no big deal. I don’t know why some people are upset about this.”

The Boston Globe reported that even though the prison system had offered Henry Boateng a standard vegetarian diet, he spent nearly a decade seeking a vegan diet that excludes all animal products, including eggs and milk products. US Chief District Judge Mark L. Wolf concluded that the system violated a 2000 federal statute that protects religious freedom in prison. In a judgment entered last Tuesday, Wolf ordered the head of the system, beginning last Friday, to provide the inmate at the Old Colony Correctional Center at Bridgewater with a vegan diet that hews to his religious beliefs. Fourteen years ago, Boateng was sentenced to life in prison without parole after a Worcester jury convicted him of beating his 5-week-old son to death and viciously attacking the baby’s mother. Apparently his religion precludes harming animals but is okay with killing kids and abusing women.

“One mans lust is another mans religion,” said Warren Jeffs, head of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and father of hundreds of children by women and girls of all ages. “When I founded the FYZ Ranch in Texas so I and my followers could live a righteous life by screwing little girls and knocking them up, I was just following my dream of being my own god. Everyone has a right to pursue happiness in this country and if that means young girls get knocked up by homeless guys or fifty-year-old Fundamentalist Church members, it’s all the same and it’s all good. And killers should be able to eat only veggies if they want, as they live in their compound, not unlike our Texas ranch. All things are okay for those truly religious and at least half of everything that’s against the law is okay for those who aren’t religious. Golly I love having sex with little girls. I’ve got to hook up with those kids at Gloucester High. We’ve both got the same thing in mind and I want to help. Course, I’m in prison in Utah right now because some people misunderstand my rights to have sex with children and even think incest is wrong. Silly heathens.”

In other news, presidential candidate Barack Obama announced last week that he’ll not accept public financing for his election bid. Reportedly the special interest groups funding his run didn’t want him “beholding to the public” when making decisions as president. No word on whether financiers like George Soros are controlling him for religious reasons or merely harkening back to the old Chicago style of politics that marks Obama’s past. Pundits say either way the public is going to get screwed, and it won’t just be the little girls.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Water On Mars, Bacon Flavored Floss on Earth. Yee ha!

Science takes a turn for the better

Inebriated Press
June 23, 2008

The New York Times reported on Friday that NASA scientists are convinced they have proof there’s water on Mars. White patches seen in a trench that the Phoenix Mars lander dug in the Martian soil shrank and then disappeared. Experts say it was ice that melted away. And Boing Boing Gadgets reported that bacon flavored dental floss is now available for $4.95 per container. Experts and pundits of all kinds, everywhere, have broken out the champagne and are celebrating like 45 year-old male Texas polygamists at a girl’s slumber party.

“There’s no doubt about it, the white stuff that shrank and disappeared had to be ice that turned to vapor, because nothing else we care about does that,” said a NASA scientist chugging Jack Daniels like an astronaut flying a shuttle mission. “I’m so giddy at this discovery that I’m going to brush all my teeth when I get home tonight, and then try that new bacon flavored floss. Is life good or what?!”

Not everybody is partying like Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office. “A white substance that shrinks and disappears may or may not be water, there’s no way to prove that without a chemical analysis. Conclusions drawn from pictures are no better than conjecture,” said Yolanda Williams, a bridal consultant and winner of the Hottest Body on 10th Street Award. “I’ve been with white guys who had little things that shrank and darn near evaporated and may or may not have been water. Whether they were or not, I’m not going to start building a scientific career on the theory. I’ve got more sense than that. On the other hand I’ve had sausage sticks that I’d trade for vanilla wafers because the quality was terrible. You can’t judge a book by its cover you know.”

The New York Times reported that after a decade of shouting, “Follow the water!” in its exploration of Mars, NASA can finally say that one of its spacecraft has reached out, touched water ice and scooped it up. In a photograph released Thursday evening of a trench that the Phoenix Mars lander has dug into the Martian soil, some white patches that were seen earlier in the week have shrunk, and eight small chunks have disappeared. Until now, scientists were not sure if the white material was ice or some kind of salt. When exposed to air, water ice can change into water vapor, a process known as sublimation. Salt, on the other hand, is not capable of such a vanishing act. “It must be ice,” said Dr. Peter H. Smith of the University of Arizona, the mission’s principal investigator. “The whole science team thinks this. I think we feel this is definite proof that these are little chunks of icy material.” The Phoenix robotic arm has a scraper and, if necessary, a small drill to break off pieces of material for analysis in one of the ovens, which would determine chemical composition. Liquid water is an essential ingredient for life, and this area may have been, at least intermittently, a habitable environment in Mars’s geologically recent past, in the past 10 million years or so.

Boing Boing Gadgets reported last week that Archie McPhee now has bacon-flavored dental floss available for sale. The waxed floss is only $4.95 per container [http://www.mcphee.com/items/11847.html]. The article said it’s an excellent way to get that lovely bacon taste in your mouth again after brushing, although the writer said he prefers to use the fat-greased sinew of a freshly slaughtered sow first thing in the morning. Experts say that science has always been and will always be the key to better living.

“Whether you want to dig for water on Mars or floss you teeth with bacon, science will find a way to help you do it,” said Ingrid Filibuster, a Swedish social theorist and stripper currently working in Canada on a student visa, and writing a paper on the sexual mores of the Canadian hockey enthusiast. “Why anyone would go all the way to Mars looking for ice when there’s so much around this country, I’ll never know. But everything is better with bacon, science has that figured out. I’ve never had a better time than the night all the Canadian professors of ice hockey came into the club for a 24-hour lard and bacon extravaganza. You can still barely walk on the floor without slipping around. NASA scientists are great but even they couldn’t have done any better.”

In other news, the Economist magazine reported in their June 19th edition that robots are getting cleverer and more dexterous. The article said that two weeks ago at a Munich robotics trade fair, Roboshaker, an automated bartender, was introduced. Roboshaker can mix a cocktail and clean up afterwards. Whenever it picks up a can of drink to add to the ingredients, it examines the lid with a camera so that it can work out where to find the ring-pull. No word on whether it also looks for ice on other planets or can find bacon, but it’s good to know that science is always looking for ways to make our lives more fun by coming up with new gadgets that do stuff so we don’t have to.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP News