Daily Archives: June 24, 2008

It’s the End of the World as We Know it

Women want bigger asses and hybrid car drivers

Inebriated Press
June 24, 2008

WFTV Orlando reported last Friday that a Miami-Dade County man was charged with practicing medicine illegally at parties where women take shots of silicone to make their butts bigger. And The Australian reported on Saturday that a study conducted by the US Department of Energy and General Motors found that 88 per cent of women say they’d rather hang with a guy who owns the latest fuel-efficient car than a sports car. Women’s quest for a bigger ass and men who value fuel efficiency, is clashing with guys wanting hot cars and chesty women. Some pundits say it’s another sign that Western civilization is on decline and like the hordes that overran Rome, another push by Al Qaeda and Iran will put America and the West on its back.

“I remember the old days when a woman wanted a small ass and a guy with a Porsche convertible, but I guess 1974 is long gone,” said someone claiming to be Barry Manilow, a former singer now a local steel company executive, who once used his weak features and lovey-dovey songs to get hot women. “Times change, I understand that, but the changes we’ve got now mean that civilization has come loose from its foundation. Heck even today my wife of fifteen years doesn’t want a bigger ass but I guess it’s the future and the future is now. And I’m fine with hybrid cars, but it wouldn’t cross my mind that I could pick up modern big-assed chicks with it. My brain is scrambled even more than usual by this shit.”

Some people believe that the new trends reflect women’s new view of themselves and don’t necessarily mean that the U.S. is on the verge of collapse. “Women aren’t waiting around to build a career or big ass until after they’re married, they want it all now. That’s why girls under 16 have pregnancy pacts in Massachusetts while others the same age are getting silicon stuffed into their chests,” said Marcella Maidrite, a hot looking woman of unknown age and origin. “Why wait if you can get what you want today, like a bigger ass, knocked up during recess, or a car that burns less gas. Or better still, get a guy who drives a gas-saver who’ll tote you and your big ass around so you don’t have to pay for gas at all. Some people say I’m a user but the fact is, guys will volunteer if you rub’em right. It’s a fair trade.”

WFTV Orlando reported that the Florida Department of Health announced the arrest last Thursday of Anthony Donnell Solomon for the unlicensed practice of a health care profession. Investigators said they learned Solomon was providing cosmetic procedures for women at so-called “pumping parties” in May. They said Solomon was giving women shots of silicone to make their butts bigger. Authorities set up a fake party at a hotel and arranged for Solomon to attend. Investigators said he was arrested after he agreed to inject an undercover detective. The state said Solomon has never been licensed by the Florida Department of Health, which has warned that silicone injections can be harmful and potentially cause serious infections.

The Australian newspaper reported that according to research conducted by the US Department of Energy and General Motors (GM), nearly nine out of 10 women (88 per cent) say they’d rather chat up someone who owns the latest fuel-efficient car versus the latest sports car. Eighty per cent of American car buyers would find someone with the latest fuel-efficient car more interesting to talk to at a party than someone with the latest sports car. And, more than 4 out of 10 (45 per cent) 18- to 43-year-olds say it’s a fashion faux pas nowadays to have a car that’s not green or environmentally friendly. The article went on to say that Edward Gibbon, author of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, believed the Roman Empire fell because Romans had become weak and effeminate, unwilling to live a tougher, manly, military lifestyle. The story said the GM study confirms that Gibbon was right about the Romans then and the Americans today. Some pundits say it was only a matter of time before America stopped resisting future decline and began to embrace it.

“It’s a proven fact that if you lean on America long enough it caves in,” said Ho Chi Minh, a Vietnamese philosopher whose early missive ‘Big Assed Women: The Key to America’s Decline’ went unread by millions. “Any time you see a group embrace what they once resisted — like women who resisted getting a big ass, now pumping them up before they naturally occur; and politicians like Barack Obama, offering to pull out of Iraq immediately because Iran wants it; you find a Seachange that won’t be turned back. A handful of rural folks remain clinging to god and guns and hoping that the country won’t go under, but it’s a false hope. Obama knows better and that’s why he’s getting in front of the trends and leading the change. Smart politicians are like that. They sense what’s already happening and then get in front of it. Socialism and decline like wine and French politics go hand in hand. And once they’ve got you, they don’t let go easily.”

In other news, Reuters reported Sunday that the Chinese promoted a policewoman who breastfed babies orphaned during last month’s earthquake. Jiang Xiaojuan, 30, left her own baby with her parents and took part in the disaster relief work, breastfeeding nine babies, earning her the nickname of “the police mum” in the press. She has since been awarded titles of “hero and model police officer” and “excellent member of the Communist Party.” No word on whether she has an artificially large ass or hits on guys who drive hybrid cars, but some say she’s got jugs tougher than the Roman Empire and every bit as manly. Whatever that means.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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