Obtaining Power by Science or Osmosis
June 25, 2008
Reuters reported Monday that Barack Obama used a large round seal on his podium at a Chicago event last week which resembled the official presidential seal, with a picture of a bald eagle on it and the words “Vero Possumus,” a Latin expression that means “Yes, we can.” And Adrienne So reported in Slate Monday on a theory to tap the power of breast motion, and referenced an existing solar-powered bra that generates enough energy to power an iPod. Debate over whether power can be tapped by pretending to be president or by harnessing the movement of breasts, is squeezing out like 34D’s trapped inside a 32B brassiere.
“You may be able to harness the energy of bouncing boobs but the idea that you can obtain power by pretending you’ve already got a presidential seal is like Iran’s Ahmadinejad saying his planned destruction of Israel is an example of his benevolence. It’s stupid, arrogant and borders on irrational,” said Stacy Ann Brown-Areola, a buxom and well tanned historian and political analyst, currently working at the Twelve-By-Seven Zulu Lounge in Albuquerque. “I’m a free thinker and fairly broad-minded but Obama’s ‘presidential seal’ is arrogance at best. It’d be hokey if a high school kid did it, but this guy thinks he can be president of the most powerful country in the world. The guy won’t wear an American flag lapel pin but he puts fake presidential seals on his podium! This isn’t how a statesman behaves. He’s a guy pretending to be president hoping that’ll make it happen. Yikes.”
Not everyone sees it the way Brown-Areola does. “You do whatever you can to get an edge and if some ideas don’t work, you try something else,” said Robin Pinkk-Cleavage, a slender red-headed electrician whose lithe physique masks the wiry muscle of a defense contractor on steroids. “You test, you probe, you experiment, especially early on in a campaign. Later you refine it, deny what you want to forget or spin it onto some low-level lackey and only claim the big prizes as your own. It worked for Bill Clinton, a young governor who banged chicks in office and lied to a grand jury and won two presidential terms. Obama doesn’t have Clinton’s experience and nobody knows what he’ll really do. He’s done a pretty good job of deflecting attention off his tax hikes and shifts in power to the government he wants, while chatting about presidential seals, old pastors and other irrelevant stuff. He’ll win the election. His slight of hand will have people looking at a fake seal in one hand while he pockets the real one with the other. He’s a smooth operator. I’m not sure who runs him but he’s a great front.”
Reuters reported that Barack Obama’s presidential campaign is retiring a presidential seal that made its debut at a Chicago event last week. The seal, which resembled the official presidential seal, had a picture of a bald eagle on it. A phrase inscribed above it read “Vero Possumus,” a Latin expression that roughly translates to the campaign’s slogan, “Yes, we can.” The seal helped complete a presidential-looking setting as Obama sat at the head of a U-shaped table with Democratic governors in a stately hall of a Chicago museum. In addition to the seal on the podium, blue curtains adorned the backdrop along with a row of flags. The seal drew a mixed response from voters and the Obama campaign quickly said it was just a one-time thing. There was no explanation as to the reason for the creation and use of the seal at all.
Adrienne So wrote in Slate that she loves sports but has always found the concept of breasts bothersome. Then one day recently she had an idea. As she rode public transportation to the office, her messenger bag slung uncomfortably across her chest, she thought, “Why not put the girls to work?” She contacted LaJean Lawson, a former professor of exercise science at Oregon State University, who has studied breast motion since 1985 and now works as a consultant for companies like Nike to develop better sports bra designs. Lawson was enthusiastic about So’s idea but warned it would be tricky to pull off. Lawson explained that breasts move on three different axes: from side to side, front to back, and up and down. The most motion is generated on the vertical axis. The bigger the breast, the more momentum it generates. Still, power generation from breast movement may be possible. So concluded, “Maybe it’s not very sexy to see breasts as a pair of batteries, but oil prices are so high, people are jogging to work. It may be time for breasts to start pulling their own weight.” A company called Triumph International Japan recently unveiled a solar-powered bra that supposedly will generate enough energy to power an iPod. Some pundits say it’ll take a bunch of breast wearers to give Obama the presidency.
“Barack has 90 percent of the black vote and Hillary Clinton a high percentage of the women’s vote, so it’s important to Obama that he gets all the votes and energy that’s pent up in the breasts of the gals who backed Hillary while she was running for president,” said Heather Mammary-Glandz, an energy-filled middle-aged blonde account executive, who moonlights as a mud wrestler most weekends. “The power within the female breast cannot be underestimated. In the future we’ll choose all the presidents of the U.S. and with kinetically powered bras will free the country from energy dependency on Arab terrorists. If women in the Middle East would throw off their veils and burn their old bras and then take power for themselves, we could join together and make a women’s revolution that would change the world as we know it. But first things first, we need to vote for John McCain.”
In other news, Wired reported last week that IXs Research has developed a talking robotic teddy bear that not only gives you directions, it’ll tell you when you’ve had too much to drink. If it catches a whiff of the one you had for the road, it’ll ask, “You haven’t been drinking, have you?” Accelerate too hard or brake too quickly and it yells, “Watch out!” The article said the bear will be available in Japan soon, and the head of iXs Research says the company would like to offer robotic navigation systems “in other shapes and characters.” No word on whether they’ll come in the design of presidential seals or be powered by the breasts of women drivers.
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