The Right to Bear Arms and Have Affairs

Supreme Court Vote Barely Allows You Constitutional Right to Have a Weapon
Bill Clinton Spotted Holding Hands with Hot Chick in Canada

Inebriated Press/Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
June 27, 2008

The New York Times reported yesterday that in a narrow 5-4 vote the U.S. Supreme Court decided for the first time that the Constitution protects an individual’s right to bear arms. And the Edmonton Sun reported Tuesday that when former U.S. president Bill Clinton went to Edmonton for a speaking engagement last week, he was photographed holding the hand of an unidentified woman, rumored to be a campaign worker for his wife, Hillary. The right to bear arms and have affairs is being hotly debated, and narrow decisions for and against are being made daily by a lot of people.

“I feel that it’s my right to bang whomever I want and bang away with my pistol and rifle if I want to, just as long as no innocent Americans get hurt,” said Studs Theatrical, a construction worker and part time exhibitionist who thinks that individual rights trump bull shit. “The government has no constitutional right to tax me but I abide by the laws our Congress passed to take over 20% of my money one way or another, through a host of different local, state and federal taxes. And then I pay my own bills. I was in the military and stood for, and still stand for, freedom for American’s and individual rights. I didn’t have to die to pay for those rights but I know guys who did. The courts have removed our constitutional rights bit by bit and I’m getting sick of it. It’s no wonder the vote was so close on the right to bear arms. This shit keeps up and decent hard working Americans will have to overthrow the government and reestablish the original Constitution and Bill of Rights. Pisses me off that I even have to think like that.”

Not everyone believes that Theatrical is on the right track. “We’re an enlightened country now and the Constitution is an evolving document that needs to change with the times,” said Lacy Illusion, a pretty blonde co-ed whose breasts and tan look great but are both fake. “Times change and we know that the best way to get along with one another and the world is to lay down our arms and adopt a more passive and accepting attitude. If we just talk with terrorists who want to behead us and encourage wider acceptance of their outlooks and views, I’m sure that they’ll become more relaxed about everything. And no American should have a gun or use one. That’s true of both citizens and the military. Nothing good ever comes of having a weapon. Even police accidentally shoot people. They shouldn’t have guns either. And sticks. Pointed sticks are dangerous and should be outlawed. As a society we really need to move quickly along this evolutionary path to enlightened passivism, and put all our energies toward saving bears and cows from cruelty and extinction.”

The New York Times reported that the Supreme Court declared for the first time on Thursday that the Constitution protects an individual’s right to have a gun, not just the right of the states to maintain militias. Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority in the landmark 5-to-4 decision, said the Constitution does not allow “the absolute prohibition of handguns held and used for self-defense in the home.” In so declaring, the majority found that a gun-control law in the nation’s capital went too far in making it nearly impossible to own a handgun. But the court held that the individual right to possess a gun “for traditionally lawful purposes, such as self-defense within the home” is not unlimited. “It is not a right to keep and carry any weapon whatsoever in any manner whatsoever and for whatever purpose,” Justice Scalia wrote. The ruling does not mean, for instance, that laws against carrying concealed weapons are to be swept aside. The court concluded that the amendment protects an individual right to bear arms, but it also said that the right is not absolute, opening the door for more fights in the future.

An Edmonton Sun photo of Bill Clinton holding hands with a smiling young woman has launched a new storm of gossip and speculation for the randy ex-commander-in- chief. The Edmonton Sun reported that when the former U.S. president came to Edmonton for a speaking engagement last Friday, a Sun photographer snapped a picture of Clinton holding the hand of an unidentified woman, who is now rumored to be a campaign worker for his wife, Hillary. A Facebook page belonging to Avra Siegel, and bearing a picture profile that closely resembles the woman holding Clinton’s hand, was taken down within an hour of her name being posted on which linked her to Clinton. It identified Siegel as being from Ann Arbor, Michigan, and an alumnus of New York University., another networking site, listed Avra Siegel as a national advance worker on the Clinton campaign. Some people say that guns and sex is always wrong under all circumstances.

“No American should have sex or possess a weapon of any kind,” said Hazel Whistlebottom, a used book store owner and one of few women who sound more intelligent when blowing a tune out of her ass. “I am against sex and violence and the tools that make them possible. All men should be castrated at birth and deigned anything that may potentially hurt another person. The only men who should be allowed genitalia and a small stick pin are Democrat congressmen who will perpetuate a progressive agenda and children who inherit near perfection. In the future we’ll use cloning technology and make men irrelevant altogether. A glorious day awaits us. We just need to lay down our arms and eliminate all the men. Actually I think that’ll be found in the U.S. Constitution when the Supreme Court looks hard enough.”

In other news, the UK Telegraph reported Tuesday that Adolf Hitler took time out from running Nazi Germany to make jokes at the expense of his henchmen, a new book claims. According to a book by the last surviving member of his bunker, Hitler recounted how Mrs. Goering found her husband waving a baton over his underwear in the bedroom and asked him what he was doing. “He replied: “I am promoting my underpants to OVERpants””, Hitler then joked. Hitler was said to be so proud of his joke that he had medals made from gold and silver paper for Goering to wear on his pajamas. The Fuhrer’s sense of humor, which included disturbing jokes about concentration camp victims, has been revealed in a book called The Last Witness, to be published in Britain later this year. No word on whether Hitler felt the passivism of the Jews during World War II made them more enlightened.

(C) 2008

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