Daily Archives: July 1, 2008

Driving Instructor Pimps and Underboob Bans

It’s only illegal if it’s against the law

Inebriated Press
July 1, 2008

Canada’s CNews reported Sunday that an Edmonton driving instructor accused of trying to lure students into the sex trade says he’s innocent. And Canada’s Times Colonist reported that Victoria’s Cheesecake Burlesque Revue flew to Las Vegas to participate in the Miss Exotic World Pageant. It all went pretty well … except for the “underboob” scandal. Now that the hockey season is over, Canadians are busy lining up hookers and battling boob scandals. The ice must have finally thawed up north.

“Some people say we only fish and play ice hockey but we do a lot more than that to keep warm and maintain our population base,” said the mayor of a local town who said he wished to remain anonymous because his hockey team got its ass kicked last season. “Guys up here like sex and boobs just like guys down there who like baseball and NASCAR. Sure our driving instructors have to recruit hookers because we’re short on professionals in that field, but that just shows how creative we are when it comes to outreach and development.”

CNews reported that cops announced Saturday they have charged Vishva Juneja, an Edmonton driving instructor, of trying to lure adult students into the sex trade. The accusation came after a seven-month joint investigation led them to conclude the 63-year-old was allegedly using his two massage parlors’ as fronts for bawdy houses. Police believe their suspect was using his position as an instructor with Alberta Defensive Driving School to try to recruit women to work at one of the two businesses. The charges came following complaints from three women claiming to have been offered jobs at Edmonton massage parlors. The province has revoked Juneja’s business license for the driving school, which he also owns, as well as his driving instructor’s license. Recommendations have been put forward to the city to have his business license for the massage parlor revoked. Juneja says he’s innocent.

The Times Colonist reported that Victoria’s Cheesecake Burlesque Revue flew to Las Vegas in July to participate in the Miss Exotic World Pageant. Some call it the Superbowl of Striptease. This year it was at Palms Casino, where the rich and fatuous can rent “fantasy suites” containing regulation-size bowling lanes or a basketball half-court (cheerleaders cost extra) or showers equipped with stripper poles. The pageant drew such likely lasses as Coco El Camino, BonBon Vivant, Leggsy Von Hellstroke and Pa-ooh-la the Swedish Housewife. It turns out the casino license held by the Palms, courtesy of the Nevada Gaming Commission, made it illegal for the burlesque performers to reveal the underneath of their breasts. So the dancers — already shielding their nipples with pasties or whatever — had to cover up from the areolas down. This in a sin city peppered with strip clubs featuring women who disrobe completely. Also, Nevada is home to legalized brothels … so, go figure. As Kitten Kaboodle sagely noted: “Who books a burlesque weekend at a hotel that’s not allowed to show underboobs?”

In other news, Associated Press reported Saturday that Dutch marijuana coffee shops are bracing for a smoking ban. On July 1, the Netherlands will be one of the last European countries to ban smoking in bars and restaurants in compliance with EU law. The Health Ministry says the ban will apply to cafes that sell marijuana, known as coffee shops. But this being Holland, which for centuries has experimented with social liberalism, there’s a loophole: The ban covers tobacco but not marijuana, which is technically illegal anyway. But that still leaves coffee shops and their customers in a bind. Dutch and other European marijuana users traditionally smoke pot in fat, cone-shaped joints mixed with tobacco. “It’s the world upside down: In other countries they look for the marijuana in the cigarette. Here they look for the cigarette in the marijuana,” said Jason den Enting, manager of coffee shop Dampkring. No word on how much impact it will have on visiting Canadian driving instructors and their foreign hooker recruitment efforts.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Giving In to Oil Speculators and Bin Laden

US won’t pursue Al Qaida in Pakistan
US won’t bust speculators and oil companies
Lame duck government?

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant
July 1, 2008

The New York Times reported yesterday that late last year, top Bush administration officials decided to take a step they had long resisted. They drafted a secret plan to make it easer for the Pentagon’s Special Operations forces to launch missions into the snow-capped mountains of Pakistan to capture or kill top leaders of Al Qaeda. More than six months later, the Special Operations forces are still waiting for the green light. A senior Defense Department official said there was “mounting frustration” in the Pentagon at the continued delay. And Business Week reported Friday that those who say high gas prices are the result of supply and demand are wrong. Supply is up and demand is down. But prices are through the roof due to manipulation. Pissed off Americans are increasingly wondering if the lame duck Republican administration and do-nothing Democrat Congress have decided that cooperation means sitting on their asses together and drinking lemonade the rest of the summer.

“Oil demand the first five months of this year is 2.5% lower than last year during the same period, but prices are through the roof; and Bin Laden is hiding in Pakistan and rebuilding his crew of ass holes while our guys sit on the Afghan border watching because they aren’t allowed to act. What kind of bull shit is this,” asked someone claiming to be the ghost of George Patton, a mild mannered philosopher who occasionally fought and won military battles on freedom’s behalf. “You’ve got oil companies and speculators driving up oil prices all on the psychology that oil comes from the Middle East and skirmishes means oil no longer exists. Well guess what kids, there have been skirmishes in the Middle East for centuries and oil still flows. It’s a game that’s being played on you and the bastards perpetuating it are engaged in thinly veiled legal robbery. Reset the damn rules so speculators no longer dominate the trade, or make them take delivery on the oil that they buy. Take away the paper swapping and drive the psychology out of the market by making traders trade the real stuff and not paper contracts that they can get out of. It’s time that fundamentals move the market and not psychology and momentum charts. Idiots.”

Not everyone thinks Patton’s ghost has it figured out. “You can’t just sashay into Pakistan, they’re a sovereign nation. Just because they’ve ceded their northern areas to war lords and Al Qaida doesn’t mean that the US can just go there if they want. And oil prices are high because they are high and because they’re high again, you can expect them to go higher. That’s just the way it is,” said Diesel Defense, an oil executive who speculates on the side and thinks that not catching Bin Laden and the fear that keeps driving oil futures higher is the best thing that ever happened in his life time. “I may simply not give a shit about anyone else, but deep down I think that what’s going on is all for the best. It’s a natural-artificial event that is making history and from where I sit, it’s really interesting and very cool.”

The New York Times reported that Intelligence reports for more than a year had been streaming in about Osama bin Laden’s terrorism network rebuilding in the Pakistani tribal areas, a problem that had been exacerbated by years of missteps in Washington and the Pakistani capital, Islamabad, sharp policy disagreements, and turf battles between American counterterrorism agencies. So late last year the US drafted a secret plan to make it easer for the Pentagon’s Special Operations forces to launch missions into Pakistan to capture or kill leaders of Al Qaeda. The plan is ready, but there is no approval to act. The article said that just as it had on the day before 9/11, Al Qaeda now has a band of terrorist camps from which to plan and train for attacks against Western targets, including the United States. When American military officials proposed in 2002 that Special Operations forces be allowed to establish bases in the tribal areas, Pakistan flatly refused. Under pressure from Pakistan, the Bush administration decided in 2003 to end the American military presence in Pakistan. Leading terrorism experts have warned that it is only a matter of time before a major terrorist attack planned in the mountains of Pakistan is carried out on American soil. “The United States faces a threat from Al Qaeda today that is comparable to what it faced on Sept. 11, 2001,” said Seth Jones, a Pentagon consultant and a terrorism expert at the RAND Corporation.

Business Week reported that “[U.S.] demand for oil over the first five months of the year was off 2.5%* from last year.” —American Petroleum Institute, June 18, 2008, Associated Press Online (*Translation: We are using approximately 525,000 fewer barrels of oil per day.) After listing a number of sources indicating production increases and cutbacks in other countries, the article went on to say, “Now, just for fun, let’s add up all of the excess oil on the market, resulting either from cutbacks in demand, as in the U.S., Asia, or Korea, or from surplus production from oil producers such as Saudi Arabia and in the Gulf of Mexico. It comes to 1,989,000 barrels of oil a day.” The article went on, “while our Energy Secretary continues to blame America’s oil crisis solely on supply and demand instead of speculators, much as Dick Cheney blamed California instead of Enron in 2001, it takes little research to verify that no one yet has been denied an oil contract—and in fact, refiners around the world are today turning down oil they’re being offered.” The bottom line: global consumption is down, supply is up and prices are off the charts high. That spells manipulation.

“It’s time for some clear thinking about predatory practices and winning and losing,” said Patty Pure-Hart, a busty stripper whose plain thinking and plain dressing mask mental and physical assets of all kinds. “If you allow people to prey on you without fighting back they’ll rape you over and over until you’re dead. That’s what big oil and the speculators are doing to America and the global economy right now. If you let them, they’ll continue to gorge themselves on your ass until you’re nothing but pulp. And Al Qaeda in Pakistan is following the model of the North Vietnamese by scurrying across the border into a land that the U.S. isn’t supposed to follow them into. The U.S. is also starting to act like the U.S. in Nam by allowing the enemy to strike from save havens. Well there should be no save havens. When it comes to our nation’s security no one should be allowed safety anywhere. No comfort should be allowed the enemy. No quarter, no nothing. Only fear and death. Maybe the oil executives should be in charge of killing Bin Laden. They don’t give a shit about anybody.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported yesterday that 100 Californians a month are being harmed by hospitals in events that are preventable. The article cited a number of examples: Technicians at Dominican Hospital in Santa Cruz unintentionally placed a CT scan of one patient into the electronic file of another, leading physicians to remove the wrong person’s appendix. Last October, a technician at the children’s hospital at Stanford University improperly connected a ventilator hose, accidentally pumping too little oxygen into a 9-day-old infant’s lungs. Last March, Virginia Fahres, 76, died at Pomona Valley Hospital Medical Center in Pomona after a nurse gave her two drugs, neither of which her doctor had prescribed. Officially called “adverse events,” those accidents are also known as “never events” because they are considered preventable, and many safety experts say they should never happen. No word on whether the same people in control of California’s hospitals are also responsible for capturing and killing Bin Laden or regulating speculators and the oil industry, but it sounds an awfully lot like they’re all relatives.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, NEWS