Patriot Obama and Sex Store Spinning

Packaging is reality, never mind the silicone

Inebriated Press
July 2, 2008

Reuters reported Monday that U.S. presidential candidate Barack Obama is ramping up a defense of his patriotism to coincide with Independence Day, and the Baltimore Sun reported that an adult video store is redefining itself as a book store in order to dodge attempts to close it. Children and adults ponder the honesty of words and actions that attempt to reposition candidates and video stores as something other than what they’ve always been.

“It seems a bit disingenuous for a store billing itself as an adult store offering videos, lingerie and sex toys to now call itself a bookstore since they’ve added a few used books,” said Raquel Welch-Facsimile, a hot blooded actress look-alike who pretends she’s someone other than she is, but is open about it. “And it seems a bit disingenuous that a candidate who wants to change America and hangs with an anti-American preacher for 20 years, and has a Pentagon bomber as a good friend, and a convicted Chicago racketeer as a pal and business associate, now claims to be a long time American patriot and says anyone questioning his patriotism is a 1960’s era ethnic-hater throwback. The guy wears turbans but not U.S. flag pins for crying out loud. I believe Obama is into patriotism the way the adult video store is into literature.”

Not everyone sees it the way Welch-Facsimile does. “You can’t say that Obama isn’t a patriot or that the video shack isn’t a book store, because they both have the right to define themselves and not be defined by others,” said George Stephanopoulos-Wannabee, a balanced political reporter who only slants stories based on ideology. “If this legitimate book store wants to bill itself as a sex paraphernalia shop it should be allowed to do that and its wishes should be respected by the city. If Barack Obama wants to bill himself as an American patriot like Abraham Lincoln, all the voters should accept that and give him the same respect as Lincoln because by golly, that’s what he wants and as a progressive leftist Democrat, that’s what he should be afforded. People have to get over the idea that a persons past actions have relevance to future ones. Obama’s only a one-term U.S. Senator so you can’t really bring up negative stuff he’s done because his past is vacant. And his personal life should really be off-limits so forget his pastor, the Pentagon bomber and the racketeer buddy. They’re not important.”

Reuters reported that Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama kicked off the week leading up to the July 4 Independence Day celebration with a broad-ranging speech extolling American virtues. He said questions about his patriotism were a poisonous remnant of the 1960s culture wars. In a clear sign the patriotism issue is a worry for the campaign, Obama said in a speech at the Harry Truman presidential library in Missouri that he would not sit back and watch his love of country questioned by political rivals. Obama has battled persistent criticism about his failure to wear a flag pin on his lapel, viewed as a symbol of patriotism for some U.S. politicians. He often wears one now. He also has been the target of Internet rumors about his willingness to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and his wife, Michelle, has been criticized for a remark she said was taken out of context about feeling proud of her country.

The Baltimore Sun reported that the Pack Shack on U.S. 40 in Ellicott City has added used books to its merchandise in an effort to avoid being classified as an adult store. The county has long fought to close the store, which sells adult videos, lingerie and sex toys. For 11 years, Howard County officials and some residents have fought to close the jurisdiction’s only adult bookstore. They’ve passed legislation and waged costly legal battles, only to be thwarted time and again. And now, despite a county law designed to force the Ellicott City store to move away from nearby homes or close, the Pack Shack appears poised to prevail again – maintaining its “Adult Video” sign along a busy stretch of U.S. 40, along with shelves of explicit movies, skimpy lingerie and sex toys. The key to the store’s reconfiguration lies in the basement. By storing stacks of ordinary used paperback books and other items there and along the first-floor entrance, the 24-hours-a-day operation does not qualify as an adult bookstore under county zoning law. According to a recent poll of middle school kids, spin is as effective as reality and a lot more fun.

“I always say I’m studying when I have the TV on and that my health class grades are higher ever since I started studying anatomy in Penthouse magazine,” said Tommy Rae-Gunn, a twelve-year-old student in Florida currently having his third affair with a teacher. “We all say stuff we want people to believe so they like us better and so our folks let us do what we want. It doesn’t matter if you’re a twelve year old kid banging 26 year old teachers or a guy who says he loves America and can’t wait to change it, or porn shops storing old books nobody reads. You do what you want if you can. Bill Clinton is my idol. When he said he screwed White House interns because he could, that did it for me. Lucky I go to school in Florida where the teachers are easy. I’ll be president someday. My grades aren’t too good but I’ve got the sex thing and bait and switch stuff down and that’s what really counts.”

In other news, the UK Sun reported that Sheyla Hershey, 28, is planning her ninth boob job to take her to a GG cup, but can’t find any surgeons in the U.S. to carry out the operation. Hershey is already a 34FFF and has a place in the record books due to her size. She carries more than two litres of silicone in her implants and has had eight ops in five years. Sheyla, who lives in Texas, and is married to an American, plans to fly back to her native Brazil to get the op done. She cannot get them enlarged in the U.S. because there are laws which limit the amount of silicone a person can have in each breast – making it illegal for her to have another op there. Dr Robert Rey, plastic surgeon to the stars allegedly warned her: “Your breasts could literally burst.” She reportedly said: “I think big boobies look beautiful. I am just following my dream and I won’t let anyone stop me.” No word on whether that’s the same motto Barack Obama and the adult video store have, but it’s a safe bet that the shoe fits.

(C) 2008

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