Daily Archives: July 3, 2008

US Government to Fund Religion; Brothels Fund Truckers

Separation of church and state in reverse
Transportation and whorehouses tie up

Inebriated Press
July 3, 2008

The New York Times reported yesterday that presidential hopeful Barack Obama plans to expand social services and government involvement through churches and religious organizations. Criticizing President Bush about his weak attempt to get government more involved in religion, Obama pledged to do more. Meanwhile the Denver Channel reported that high fuel prices are hurting the brothel business and some Nevada joints are offering gas cards and other promotions to encourage business. Also New Zealand’s STUFF reported that a European budget air carrier CEO is suggesting that business class passengers receive free oral sex on flights. The debate over government’s involvement in religion and the sex trade’s involvement in transportation is heating up.

“Thomas Jefferson’s comments about the separation of church and state were designed to keep the state from involvement in churches out of fear that a state religion would be established. Many European immigrants came to America fleeing religious persecution and wanted to worship as they pleased without government imposing it’s will on them,” said Faith Healer-Terrier, a gorgeous and well maintained healthcare care professional who occasionally admits a weakness for god and guns. “America’s founders didn’t want religious people or Christian-Judeo principles out of government; they wanted government out of religion. Today we’re on a path taking us the opposite direction. The Ten Commandments and fundamental moral philosophy our nation was built on is being driven out of public places while the government is planning financial support to religion. Remember how the federal government treats states by threatening to pull highway funds when the states don’t do what the fed’s want? We’re on that path with religion today. Just the thing Jefferson didn’t want. And we’re abandoning morality in public office. We’re upside down.”

Not everyone agrees with Healer-Terrier’s views. “The federal government always improves everything it funds and regulates, that’s why it’s important that it provides money and control to religions in America,” said Misty Masters-Heretic, a perky blonde bigger-is-better advocate, who thinks government and sex both improve with increased volume and scale. “With government funds and controls we’ll eventually establish a balanced level of tolerance for all faiths from Muslims to Christians to Jews, Wicca, The Church of Satan, Unitarians, Atheists, Agnostics, the Haitian Occult, NASCAR and others. In fact some type of affirmative action should be established so all faiths are equal to each other and none have precedence. We may have to bus some people from city to city to attend legally prescribed worship. And as far as the sex trade’s involvement in transportation goes, hey, I’ve had sex take me places. Sound’s like a good fit to me.”

The New York Times reported that Senator Barack Obama said Tuesday that if elected president he would expand the delivery of social services through churches and other religious organizations, vowing to achieve a goal he said President Bush had fallen short on during his two terms. Some Democrats have previously backed similar efforts, but Mr. Bush’s version, a centerpiece of his first-term agenda, has been a lightning rod for criticism from those concerned about the separation of church and state and those who argued that Mr. Bush had used it to further a conservative political agenda.

Mr. Obama’s plan pointedly departs from the Bush administration’s stance on one fundamental issue: whether religious organizations that get federal money for social services can take faith into account in their hiring. Mr. Bush has said yes. Mr. Obama said no. “If you get a federal grant, you can’t use that grant money to proselytize to the people you help and you can’t discriminate against them — or against the people you hire — on the basis of their religion,” Mr. Obama said. “Federal dollars that go directly to churches, temples and mosques can only be used on secular programs.” Mr. Obama’s position that religious organizations would not be able to consider religion in their hiring for such programs would constitute a deal-breaker for many evangelicals, said several evangelical leaders, who represent a political constituency Mr. Obama has been trying to court. Mr. Obama’s plan — his campaign said it would be the “moral center” of his administration — was unfurled against a backdrop freighted with electoral ramifications.

The Denver Channel reported that rising fuel prices are putting a pinch on the world’s oldest profession. Nevada brothels that cater to long-haul truckers are offering gas cards and other promotions after seeing business decline as much as 25 percent from a year ago, industry officials said. Of Nevada’s 28 legal brothels, 16 are located in rural areas that are being hurt by truckers’ higher diesel costs. In response to a 5 percent drop in business, the Shady Lady Ranch along U.S. 95 about 150 miles north of Las Vegas plans to offer $50 gas cards to clients who spend $300, and $100 gas cards to those who spend $500. The brothel also offers special monthly discounts, including an offer of 45 minutes of services for $175 instead of the usual rate of $200. Hardest hit are independent truckers, who must pay for their own fuel, said George Flint, a lobbyist for the brothel owners’ association.

STUFF reported that European budget carrier Ryanair has taken its cheeky reputation to new levels, with chief executive officer Michael O’Leary suggesting business class passengers would receive free oral sex on flights. Explaining that Ryanair’s long-haul flights would feature a business class that went against Ryanair’s typical low-budget ethos, O’Leary remarked that “in economy it will be very cheap fares, say 10 Euros, and in business class it will be bed and blowjobs”. While O’Leary’s remark was obviously a joke, he repeated the controversial comment and wanted it translated for the journalists. “In business class,” he said, “it will all be free – including the blowjobs.” He then asked the translator the German word for oral sex. After being told there wasn’t one, he remarked “terrible sex life in Germany”.

In related news, Inebriated political analysts are projecting that Barack Obama will soon propose government funding for the National Rifle Association (NRA). As Obama reaches out to religious groups with government funding, pundits feel he also needs to reach out to Americans who like weapons. “That crack Obama made to rich left-wing campaign donors in San Francisco about rural Americans clinging to god and guns because they don’t have brains enough for anything else, seems to have hurt him among folks who like god and guns,” said Inebriated reporter Happy Chance, a full-bodied part-time writer and stripper who often does both simultaneously. “That’s why he wants to pimp the god folks. Soon he’ll offer government money to the NRA so he can pimp the gun crowd. He’s trying to use money to buy the guns and god people. I guess it’s working for whorehouses in Nevada luring truckers, so why wouldn’t it help Obama get the votes he needs? Money, sex and politics go together like blue dresses, Chinese money and the Oval Office. Bill Clinton taught us that.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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