Daily Archives: July 4, 2008

Tech Trouble for Christie Brinkley and Cell Users

Christie’s hubby does web porn and assistant
New laws that regulate cell phone use while driving take effect

Inebriated Press
July 4, 2008

ABC News reported yesterday that Christie Brinkley’s divorce trial opened with barrage of sordid details including her husband spending $3,000 a month on Internet porn and having oral sex with his 18-year-old girlfriend. And Business Week reported Wednesday that consumers up and down the West Coast are snapping up headsets that let them talk on cell phones while driving—and stay in compliance with a law that took effect in California and Washington state on July 1. Debate over law, relationships and technology are rattling around like old fashioned pin ball machines in a time long long ago.

“Technology has become the bane of existence as it intrudes on relationships by providing pornography of all kinds 24-7, and no human being can keep up with that kind of action or manage it,” said Snuffy McGee, a professional bystander constantly fighting cold symptoms. “Add car cell phone use on top of it, with drivers careening around and running over innocent pedestrians and into other cars, and you’ve got technology that is not only distracting, it’s dominating the human thought process and killing relationships and people. It’s time to shut off technology and go back to communicating with soup cans and kite string.”

Not everyone agrees with McGee. “Technology has enhanced our lives and added both richness and freedom,” said Missy Mae-Quadriceps, a muscular brunette with red roots and silicon enhancement that stretches her blouse from here to there. “We can travel faster and safer, communicate more quickly and easily with each other, cook easier with microwaves, and look better having used weight machines and cosmetic surgery; and there’s a host of other good things, like Internet banking, air conditioning and pay-per-view. What’s not to like about technology? Any problems related to them are all about self control and not the machinery. Guys can barely keep their hands off my chest because of the silicon. Is that the silicon’s fault or a self control issue for the guy? See, it’s all about self control. Tech is good.”

ABC News reported that Christie Brinkley’s divorce trial opened and both sides — the spurned supermodel and the admitted adulterer husband, Peter Cook — came to the Long Island, N.Y., courtroom armed for battle. An all-star lineup of witnesses — Cook, his alleged teenage mistress and Brinkley’s daughter with Billy Joel — all unloaded a torrent of torrid tales, including Cook’s tearful admission that he enjoyed oral sex with his 18-year-old girlfriend (whose silence he allegedly bought with a $300,000 confidentiality agreement) and his fondness for masturbating via webcam for an Internet audience.

Brinkley’s lawyer, Robert Stephan Cohen, portrayed Brinkley as a hardworking full-time mom whose “knight in shining armor” turned into a debauched devil by cheating on her with a teenager and spending up to $3,000 a month on Internet porn. Cook’s lawyer, Norman Sheresky, painted Brinkley as a wife blinded with rage at her husband’s cheating (comparing him to famed adulterers Eliot Spitzer, Jim McGreevey and Bill Clinton) and a lazy mother who slept late while Cook woke their children and got them dressed for school. As she left the courthouse, Brinkley declined to comment to reporters, explaining “It’s been a really long day. I heard a lot of things I didn’t know.”

Business Week reported that penalties for driving while talking on a cell phone are spiking retail sales of Bluetooth headsets from Plantronics and others. Consumers on the West Coast are buying headsets like crazy so they can talk on cell phones while driving and comply with new laws in effect in California and Washington. Demand for hands-free headsets has been so robust that the Verizon Wireless store in San Mateo, Calif., added a whole new section for the devices, says store manager Aari Jethmal. California and Washington follow New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Washington, D.C., in banning handheld cell phones while driving. Demand tends to spike in the two weeks before and after a law takes effect, says Carl Derry, a spokesman for GN Netcom. “Some people are really proactive about going out and buying,” Derry says. “But others won’t until they get a ticket.” California’s law stipulates a $20 fine for the first offense and $50 for each offense thereafter. No points are added to the driver’s record. Washington’s law makes a handheld cell phone a secondary offense, meaning drivers can only be cited if they’re pulled over for another violation. Some pundits say that there should be no penalties for technology users.

“The global economy is increasingly driven by technology and with the economic slowdown that is already occurring, we can’t afford to lean on individuals who are stimulating themselves and global economics by using technology,” said Misty Morning-Kwikwon, an economist with her breasts heaving and moist with perspiration. “Technology is the mother’s milk of the new economy and the less regulation the better. We need to free ourselves of old mores and wiring and grab hold of new advancements in silicon and wireless tech. The future can be one of greater freedom and independence. The fourth of July is a good day to commit to that vision. Now let’s drop these rules against tech, kill some Islamofascist backward bastards and turn the global economy loose!”

In other news, the Springfield Illinois State-Journal-Register reported that a tractor-trailer loaded with butter caught fire in the southbound lanes of Interstate 55 near the Toronto Road exit about 4:50 p.m. Tuesday. Police believe the truck’s brakes overheated, sparking the fire that destroyed nearly the entire trailer it was pulling. No word on whether advancements in fire-retardant butter are on the way, but reportedly Christie Brinkley is sticking with margarine.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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