Daily Archives: July 7, 2008

Karaoke Corrupts Chinese Soldiers while Utah Frees ‘Wedgie’ Killer

Discipline breaking down all over the world
Accountability, just like the economy, is slipping away

Inebriated Press
July 7, 2008

The UK Telegraph reported earlier this year that Chinese soldiers are being ‘corrupted by karaoke and saunas’ which are affecting their ‘mental stability’. And The Salt Lake Tribune reported last week that the Utah Supreme Court tossed out the conviction and 16 year sentence of ‘wedgie’ killer Erik Kurtis Low. Some pundits say the U.S. justice system and Chinese military have deteriorated so much that Barack Obama has started looking like a conservative warmonger.

“Communists are kicking back in saunas and singing ballads and crazy shit and capitalists are turning loose killers because they think a wedgie causes so much emotional distress that murder is justified. Only Barack Obama and his anti-American Pentagon bomber-buddy and Pastor can ride a world like this one and not fall off. You got to be way out there,” said Zesty Creem-Kornn, an undercover political analyst who like Bill Clinton, does some of his most intense work between the sheets. “John McCain likes America too much and has way too much respect for common sense to understand the world we live in. He wants a decent balanced country and that’s not going to happen anymore. We may as well put Obama in the White House and get this socialist -pacifist party on the road before the Chinese beat us to it.”

Not all observers think Creem-Kornn goes with the current mix of global salad. “The Chinese are all liars and if they’re saying their soldiers are struggling with ‘mental stability’ that’s just a way of telling us that they’re going to do something berserk any minute now,” said Shadei Karacter, a clandestine welfare worker who moonlights as a CIA operative but doesn’t let on. “The Chinese are up to something. But the U.S. is right out there with our backsliding justice system barely approving our Constitutional right to bear arms by a 5-4 vote, and then Utah turns a killer loose because he got a wedgie. The Chinese are faking it, but we’re actually sliding down the river toward neverland. McCain’s not got a lot going for him but he’s seen what the communists do, and has a few billion dollars less in social programs than Obama plans to fund with my money. America’s slide to the left and toward socialism won’t be stopped regardless of which candidate we elect, but it’ll move slower with McCain and like lightening with Obama. Still, some folks think electricity is fun to play with.”

The Telegraph reported that the morals of atheist Chinese soldiers are being corrupted by the plethora of saunas, karaoke bars and dance halls that have sprung up around their remote base, an officer has complained. The officer, who gave his name as Li Xianghui, said that his troops were being bewitched by the “luscious voices” emanating from clubs at Dandong, located on the sensitive border with North Korea. In a letter to the top Communist Party mouthpiece, the People’s Daily, Li said the base was built in a remote location to avoid distraction and that the “illegal entertainment venues” were affecting the “mental stability” of his troops. “Having entertainment venues around the base affects the mental stability of the troops, and causes huge management problems,” he said, without elaborating. “I hope related authorities take steps to deal with the illegal entertainment venues to create a healthy training environment for the base so that the soldiers can concentrate fully,” the officer added.

The Salt Lake Tribune reported that the Utah Supreme Court threw out the manslaughter conviction of Erik Kurtis Low, who killed a Park City man after the victim gave him a “wedgie.” In reversing the conviction, the high court ruled the trial judge shouldn’t have granted a prosecution request to instruct jurors they could convict Low on the lesser offense of extreme emotional distress manslaughter. The justices also ruled prosecutors are barred from retrying Low for murder, extreme emotional distress manslaughter, or imperfect self-defense manslaughter. The state could retry Low for other forms of manslaughter or lesser offenses. Jurors acquitted Low of first-degree murder but convicted him of manslaughter. He was sentenced by Judge Bruce Lubeck to up to 16 years in prison. Low, now 40, claimed in his 2005 trial he was defending himself when he shot 38-year-old Michael Jon Hirschey following a night of drinking, drug use and horseplay. Some people say that killing someone during a wild night is part of the natural order of things and should be overlooked.

“You can’t hold people accountable for killings that take place when they’re drugged up and out on the town, it puts a damper on everything and what fun is that,” asked Stacy String-Beane, a slender raven haired beauty known for doing anything for money and a lot of stuff for free. “An open society has to let people off who kill from wedgie discomfort or just accidentally during rough sex. You can’t punish accidental death even when you’re walking the line with disaster and oblivion. To make life exciting you have to engage in risky behavior and get the rush that only comes with living on the edge. And if that means I screw a Senator, or a president stains a blue dress, or Ahmadinejad blows up Israel or some such shit, so be it. It’ll be one wild ride and a rush that no one will ever forget. I’ve got goose pimples the size of nipples crawling up my spine just thinking about it. I’m a risk taker so I’m voting for Obama. Damn straight.”

In other news, the Los Angeles Times reported on July 1 that California’s death penalty process is ‘dysfunctional.’ A panel found that the time from sentencing to execution is twice the national average. A state commission says delays undermine the system and recommends more sentences of life without parole instead. The report did not advocate abolishing the death penalty but did note that California could save more than $100 million a year if the state replaced the punishment with sentences of life in prison without possibility of parole. No word on how much money they’d save by hanging killers at dawn the day after being found guilty, but that kind of silly common sense would probably get in the way of a good time and result in the loss of fees for lawyers and commissions who are paid to argue about this stuff.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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