“Too Weak To Let Go”
July 14, 2008
“I took several days off and just stopped writing Inebriated Press pieces, but I’m too weak to stay away,” said someone claiming to be the “editor” of Inebriated Press, while glancing over his shoulder for signs of cigars and silicone. “I may lack time and my work may lack substance, but it’s never stopped me before. I’m just too weak to let it stop me now. I may not write as prolifically as I used to, but there’s just too much news that needs to be restated in Inebriated terms. The world is pretty screwed up and I am too weak to avoid playing a part.”
Inebriated reporters claim they spied on the “editor” over the weekend and say he spent time puffing Fuente’s and burning British Petroleum while hot-rodding around the countryside trying to avoid news items that tempted him to rant or burst into tabloid story lines. At around 7:15 Central Time last night he was captured by a stray news headline that the wind blew across in front of his Jeep like a tumbleweed with ill intent. Reporters could not confirm the actual document or the material it contained, but they say the “editor” went berserk and started ranting about government interference in the lives of Americans and the complete lack of common sense in US politics.
“I saw the editor doing 75 miles per hour across the east side of a state park trying to outrun the lack of common sense in American politics but like all the rest of us, he couldn’t get away and was stuck having to deal with it,” said Inebriated reporter Busty Riboflavin, a well proportioned vitamin user who instills health and vitality in everyone she meets. “His way of dealing with it is to write something. Last I saw he was sitting in the dirt along side a ditch and scratching on the ground with a stick. I’m not sure how he’ll upload it to Word Press but it’s a cinch he’s going to be putting stuff back up there.” Some readers aren’t so sure that’s a good thing.
“He’s been off is gourd for a long time and the world is better off if he just stays in bed and sleeps it off. We really don’t need his crap,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, massaging her left breast with the elbow of her right arm. “The guys a nuisance at best and I’ve never liked how he’s characterized my careful efforts to move the U.S. into a full blown socialist state. He just doesn’t understand that true personal freedom is only realized when the individual has no right to do anything unless the federal government directs it. Society is so much better off when people cede control to governments. When President Obama is running things and Harry Reid controls the Senate and I rule the House we’ll start fixing the country the way it should be fixed. That reminds me, I need to have my new dog fixed so he doesn’t screw the neighbors Poodle. I need another assistant. I’m so busy having things fixed and deciding who screws what I’ve barely got time to propose another tax increase.”
In other news, WLBZ Channel 2 reported that a California cow thinks that she’s human. WLBZ said a group of animal rescuers are helping the young cow through an identity crisis. They say “Milkshake” the cow spent the first two years of her life confined to a small pen before being rescued by the Grace Foundation in El Dorado Hills, California. They say that during the two years spent in a pen, Milkshake never learned to become a cow. “She doesn’t know she’s a cow. She doesn’t know where she fits,” caretaker Beth DeCaprio explained. No word on how the animal rescuers know what the cow is thinking or why they believe she thinks she’s a person — or why they don’t think they’re cows. Nancy Pelosi says that in the near future she’ll propose legislation requiring the federal government to send notices to all people, plants and animals informing them of their species. The Inebriated Press editor is still sitting alongside the road and but reportedly he has begun sharpening the stick he was using to write in the dirt.