Kidnapping Miss Universe and Strip Searching 13-year-olds

Everybody’s looking for something

Inebriated Press
July 16, 2008

ABC News reported Saturday that an Arizona school violated the constitutional rights of a 13-year-old girl by conducting a strip search for ibuprofen. And Associated Press reported Monday that the new Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza, was once kidnapped in Venezuela and says the experience taught her to remain poised under pressure. Some pundits say that discretion is the better part of valor, while others insist that remaining calm is the key to success no matter who is checking out your ass or searching for meds in your bra.

“I haven’t made a sudden move in years and it’s the key to my longevity and success,” said Hugh Hefner, the aging Playboy magnate who now uses twin blondes to help him to the can instead of to the sack. “You have to be calm at every age so you’re ready to act when the right moment arises. I don’t act as much as I used to. I used to bang broads several times a night, but now I spend that time going to the toilet and I can tell you it’s not as fun. But I’m still pacing myself and getting a piece now and then and have my eye on Miss Universe and the kid in Arizona. I don’t know if I can get any action from either of them, but they could take a shift and spell the Bentley Twins. The twins are so sweet. I keep them up a lot at night. And I don’t mean that the way I used to. Damn prostate.”

Some people say that remaining calm isn’t the way to success no matter what Miss Universe or Hugh Hefner say. “You act at the first moment and you hit hard and fast, no waiting,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a peace activist who is determined to bring calm to the Middle East by killing everyone who disagrees with him. “That’s how I know that the Jewish Holocaust never happened. You can’t take years to round up Jews and kill them; you blast them all with a nuclear bomb once most of them are in their home country. Hitler was too smart not have done that. I’ve searched history and I’m sure I’m right. I’d search that girl in Arizona too if I thought it’d bring a solution to something I’m thinking right now. And I don’t think as much as I used to. How’s that for a surprise?”

ABC News Australia reported that a divided US appeals court has ruled an Arizona school violated the constitutional rights of a 13-year-old student by conducting a strip search for ibuprofen. Suspecting that the girl had violated a policy against prescription or over-the-counter drugs without permission, public school officials in Safford, Arizona, ordered a search of Savana Redding. A school nurse had her remove her clothes, including her bra, and shake her underwear to see if Ms Redding was hiding anything. The 2003 search, prompted by a tip from another girl, did not find ibuprofen, which is found in common medications like Advil and Motrin to treat pain like cramps and headaches. “Directing a 13-year-old girl to remove her clothes, partially revealing her breasts and pelvic area, for allegedly possessing ibuprofen, an infraction that poses an imminent danger to no one, and which could be handled by keeping her in the principal’s office until a parent arrived or simply sending her home, was excessively intrusive,” Justice Kim McLane Wardlaw wrote for the majority.

Associated Press reported that Miss Venezuela was crowned Miss Universe 2008 on Monday in a contest marked by the spectacle of Miss USA falling down during the evening gown competition for the second year in a row. Dayana Mendoza, the new Miss Universe, was once kidnapped in her homeland and says the experience taught her to remain poised under pressure. She declined to discuss her kidnapping, which occurred a year and a half ago, but took advantage of the occasion to call for global peace. Mendoza, 22, is a 5-foot, 10-inch, green-eyed beauty who enjoys learning languages and photography. She appeared at the news conference in the flowing yellow dress and dangling turquoise earrings that she wore during the evening gown competition in which Miss USA, Crystle Stewart, took her spill. Stewart, 26, is a motivational speaker and former track and field star who is working on a book called “Waiting to Win.” Apparently she is still waiting and is better out of the blocks than on the runway. Still, pundits say strip searching either Miss USA or Miss Universe might be fun.

“I think you’re going to find something you’ll like regardless of who you’re searching as long as you know what you’re looking for,” said somebody wandering by carrying a pointed stick. “I know I’ve found stuff that I’ve been looking for inside of bras and other stuff. Everybody is looking for something and as long as you stay calm and keep up the search, you’ll probably find it. I can’t remember who I am anymore but that doesn’t stop me from trying to figure it out.”

In other news, the UK Telegraph reported Sunday that maps showing the likely locations of thousands of unexploded bombs dropped during World War Two have been created for the first time. Experts figure that up to one in ten bombs dropped by the German Luftwaffe on Britain failed to detonate leaving a deadly legacy which still lies under the nation’s streets and fields. David Mole, from the Landmark Information Group, which has compiled the maps, said: “Bombs were dropped in sequence and the photographs and maps show where buildings have been demolished. From that we can work out the patterns and where there is most likely to be unexploded ordnance. No word on whether they’ve also produced maps of where girls in Arizona are most likely hiding ibuprofen but Hugh Hefner says he’s got a map of the female body that is bound to equate to most of the interesting locations on Miss Universe. Too bad Hefner’s got no explosive ordnance left if he verifies interesting locations.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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