Electronic Paper, Flaming Testicles and Wardrobe Malfunctions

Esquire mag to publish scrolling cover using electronic paper tech
Men sentenced for setting friend’s crotch on fire
Janet Jackson’s ‘malfunction’ fine gets clipped

Inebriated Press
July 23, 2008

NewsFactor Network reported yesterday that Esquire magazine will celebrate its 75th birthday this year by becoming the first print magazine to utilize electronic paper. And MSNBC reported on Monday that two men are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy’s crotch on fire. Meanwhile, the New York Daily News reported yesterday that a federal appeals court Monday threw out the $550,000 fine against CBS for Janet Jackson’s breast-baring “wardrobe malfunction” at the 2004 Super Bowl. Some pundits say techie paper, balls of fire and breast flashing on TV is all in good fun, while others say it’s time to reign in the good time before somebody gets seriously hurt.

“Society is playing fast and loose with safety and ethics when people start lighting guys testicles on fire and ripping the bras off women during sporting events,” said I.M. Whett-Blankett, an Irish dissident living in Arkansas, best known for protesting everything and drinking heavily. “And electronic paper is a misnomer. I don’t believe it exists, but if it does you know it’ll short out and start your balls on fire. That or your bra will get caught in the gears and leave you topless on a subway someplace. Either way it should be banned for the safety of humankind. Pass me that Guinness will you, I need to freshen my breath.”

Not everyone thinks Whett-Blankett has a grasp on reality or that current trends are negative. “As society advances personal freedoms and extends them past old-fashioned ethics and hindrances to a good time, we’ll see growth in fun and experimentation, and that will entail some risk but it’s worth it,” said Sil E. String, a bodacious new comer to the world at large, weighing in at 45 pounds and 7 years of age. “Imagine what electronic paper will mean to Playboy magazine and what routine crotch fires will do for 24-7 news ratings! Toss in a few random events like women’s tops getting ripped off them during business meetings or when testifying before Congress and you have a society interesting enough to participate in. I can’t wait until I’m old enough to start having sex with my teachers. In the next couple years I expect it to be required in health class.”

NewsFactor Network reported that Esquire magazine will publish 100,000 scrolling covers in October using electronic paper technology from E Ink. The technology, from Cambridge, Mass.-based E Ink, will allow words and images to scroll across the front cover of its October issue. The back of the cover will feature a double-page ad for the Flex car from the cover’s sponsor, Ford. Representatives from the magazine and its parent company, Hearst, contracted with E Ink last summer to create a version of its electronic-paper technology, a form of which is already used for e-book/e-newspaper products like Amazon’s Kindle and the Sony Reader. But the 21st century issue will have a limited reach. The special cover will only be available on 100,000 issues to be offered at Borders, Barnes & Noble, and selected newsstands.

MSNBC reported that two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy’s crotch ablaze while boozing in Grover Beach, California. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge. Prosecutors say the 22-year-old Pillers, a parolee, was sentenced to two years in prison and the 19-year-old Keiffer got 45 days in San Luis Obispo County jail. Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man’s groin and set him on fire on Jan. 18. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles.

New York Daily News reported that a federal appeals court Monday threw out a $550,000 indecency fine against CBS for Janet Jackson’s breast-baring “wardrobe malfunction” at the 2004 Super Bowl. The three-judge panel of the 3rd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the Federal Communications Commission “acted arbitrarily and capriciously” in issuing the fine for the fleeting image of nudity. Ninety million people were watching the Super Bowl when singer Justin Timberlake reached for Jackson’s chest. The court found that the FCC fine for the “broadcast of a nine-sixteenths of one second glimpse of a bare female breast” deviated from its nearly 30-year practice of fining broadcast indecency only when it was extremely “pervasive.” Some say pervasive is as pervasive does.

“If it’s okay to flash tits on TV during prime time for nine-sixteenths of one second, why wouldn’t it be okay to do it for ten-sixteenths of one second and then maybe fifteen,” asked Misty Morning-Sunrise, a stripper and gynecologist, flashing her bare double-D’s for effect, in a moment that seemed suspended in time like the afterglow of a warm memory awash in something you love; etcetera, etcetera. “The notion that something pervasive is bad and if it’s brief it’s okay is absurd. How pervasive are women’s’ breasts? All women have them. Does that make them bad? Should we cut back to only one? How about we make them smaller rather than super-size them? How many millions of humans have dined on them as children? Are we to be ashamed of them now that suckling babes have grown up? Steady on America. Let’s cheer for the love of breasts and get a grip on government spending. Maybe I’ll run for Congress and use that as my slogan. Maybe I’ll use electronic paper to help me get my ideas across.”

In other news, the UK Mail Online reported that a female estate agent who was driven out of her job by her boss’s comments about her breasts has won more than £30,000. Julie-Ann Reed, 27, was so stressed by Gerald Probert’s behavior she became ill with depression. She told an employment tribunal in Exeter how Mr Probert said: ‘You should either reduce the size of your breasts or get some new blouses.’ When she objected to his sexist comments he fired her and told her: ‘You little shit, get out.’ No word on whether she considered lighting his crotch on fire, but if he appeals the monetary award the ‘balls of fire’ penalty may become part of future negotiations.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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