Daily Archives: July 24, 2008

Meat Robots and Spray-On Condoms

New technology covers our needs

Inebriated Press
July 24, 2008

World Poultry reported yesterday that the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) says a new high-speed robot meets hygienic requirements and is approved for use in the preparation and packaging of meat products. And Tech Digest reported yesterday that a German scientist has developed a spray-on prophylactic to securely package men’s meat, thereby stopping pregnancy. Debate over managing hygiene and procreation through better meat handling technology is rattling around the craniums of sex and food aficionados’ everywhere.

“New technology has always been the driver behind better living, happier times, safe sex and high quality meat products,” said Anne Hampton-Meyer, a big-busted big-brained nymphomaniac who doubles as a middle school teacher in south Florida. “The creation of meat robots for the food industry and the advent of spray-on condoms for men are trend setting developments. Ultimately these two will be merged into a condom wearing robot capable of taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, doing the housework and delivering a perfect sexual experience for women. Today’s technology may be like the advent of air flight and the Wright Brothers clumsy attempts at airborne ecstasy, but it takes these early efforts to gain the experience necessary for future advancements. A robot done right is going to bring improved sexual satisfaction to women like me, which will be as different as flying in a biplane compared to the space shuttle. My skin is getting moist just thinking about it. Wowsers!”

Not everyone buys into the idea that technology is the key to better living. “Technology continues to remove the human element from the world around us and increasingly isolates individuals in artificial worlds of glass and plastic; and that’s not good for society or people,” said Candi Handelmi-Moore, a Whole Foods clerk and human touch advocate, whose natural curves belie a healthy appetite for all things sweet and some things carnal. “The world is a sensual place full of interesting human beings who breathe and touch and gasp and coo, moan and laugh, grasp and press. To exchange the tangle of arms and legs, sweat and sighs for mechanical clanking and whirring, chopping and bagging, is to lose the very things that make humanity worthwhile. A human hand should slice a steak and real meat should touch real flesh. Latex and stainless steel may have a place, but it’s a minor one. No robot can ever say ‘touch me’ and mean it the way I do.”

World Poultry reported that Fanuc Robotics America says its M-430iA/2F high-speed, food picking robot is the only robot that meets the hygiene requirements for meat and poultry processing, and receive equipment acceptance from the USDA. “We’re extremely proud that the M-430iA is built in accordance with the USDA, AMS hygiene requirements for the materials, design, and fabrication of equipment used in the preparation and packaging of food products,” said Sumeet Vispute, product manager. The article said the compact robot can be mounted in a variety of positions including floor, wall or invert, thereby maximizing flexibility.

Tech Digest reported that German scientist Jan Vinzenz Krause, has spent years working on a new way of enhancing the humble johnny, and now he has the solution – a spray-on prophylactic for your sceptre. Krause says no two schlongs are alike and sometimes pre-made jimmies just won’t fit. The spray-on service isn’t simply a case of cracking open a can of kids-b-gone and the process sounds rather complicated. Krause’s device is basically a chamber – not unlike a carwash – into which you insert your meat whistle. Fine jets will then distribute liquid latex onto your trouser snake over the course of 10 seconds. A further 20-25 seconds are required for drying. Krause was about to have a go at launching the product earlier this year, but problems with the patent halted his plans. Furthermore, because it is a medical product, it has to go through particularly rigorous testing. I expect that even as I type this, seventeen nervous German students are being asked to pop their pork swords inside a narrow tube that sprays hot latex. No word on whether USDA has considered the hygienic implications.

In other news, Australia’s Mercury reported last Friday that an American porn star is offering to provide Catholic priests some “street level” sex education to prevent abuse cases. Porn queen Belladonna, 27, with a husband and daughter at home in the US, arrived in Australia to promote her career. The church is currently celebrating World Youth Day there and has been fending off criticism over the way it has handled sex abuse claims. Belladonna is advising Pope Benedict XVI to let priests watch porn and gain more understanding.

“The Pope has indicated he might apologize to victims of sexual abuse and that is a positive thing to do,” the heavily tattooed Belladonna said. “But unless he follows up with some practical advice that addresses the sexual needs and desires of clergy, the problem will simply continue. Church clergy are at a crisis because they get no real street-level sex education but are expected to ply the streets to deliver their spiritual message.”

By her own admission, Belladonna has performed sexual acts with men and women in more than 250 X-rated movies. The porn star has offered 300 of her own films to the Catholic Church in Australia for distribution to priests. She also has offered to donate some of her own time to help set up a “meaningful set of exercises for priests to help them deal with sexual tension and stress”. No word on how Belladonna or the priests feel about robot butchers or spray-on condoms, but if Hugh Hefner gets his way they’ll probably all be staring in a new meat packing sex video in the near future. The tentative title is, “Belladonna: Queen of the Meat Robots; a Tale of Love and Lust in a Meat Packing Plant Populated by Illegal Hispanic Workers.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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