North American Anarchists Take a Holiday, But Not the Russians

U.S. and Canadian anarchists spend week in Sheboygan
Russia may deploy long-range bombers to Cuba

Inebriated Press
July 25, 2008

The Idaho Statesman reported Monday that anarchists from throughout the United States and Canada descended on a Sheboygan County Wisconsin village for four days of workshops last week.  And Deutsche Presse-Agentur reported that the Russian military is considering deploying long-range bombers to Cuba to counter a perceived threat from the U.S. missile defense shield planned for the Czech Republic and Poland.  Terrorists and drunken hoot owls see this as a mere distraction to beheadings and daily cartoon reading, but Congressional Democrats are pressing the White House to relocate troops from Afghanistan, Iraq and Europe to Wisconsin.

“The threat to dairy cows and Wisconsin Cheese from anarchists has reached a boiling point and there’s no time to waste in idle contemplation about ramifications of troop withdrawals from the Middle East or the European Union,” said Senate majority leader Harry Reid, buttering both sides of a piece of bread and trying to be all things to leftists and socialists.  “I hate the Right with a passion and the Far Right even more than I hate fair-play in government dealing.  It’s time that both parties set aside petty differences and do what I want because we have cheese at risk here.  Cheese Gromit, cheese!”

Not everyone thinks that pulling American troops out of the Middle East or Europe will improve global stability or safety in the United States.  “Europe has remained stable under the careful watch and support of the U.S. following World War 2, and we’ve gained ground as the Soviet Union collapsed and Eastern European nations began developing individual freedom and the economic infrastructure necessary to improve living standards and health in their nations,” said an innocent bystander who just happened to be paying attention, unlike most Democrats in Congress.  “By staying in the Middle East and adjusting to the threats from Al Qaeda and Iran in Afghanistan and Iraq, we bring stability and both economic and personal freedoms to those people.  Arabs have been killing each other indiscriminately for generations so things are tougher to fix there than it was in Europe, but the outcome is worth it.  They’re not killing us here and some are getting a taste of real freedom – both personal and economic.  We have to stare down those nay-sayers who want us out, like Bin Laden, Obama, the Iranians, Russians and Democrats.”

The Idaho Statesman reported that some 150 anarchists from throughout the United States and Canada descended on a strip of private land last week in the village of Waldo, in Sheboygan County, Wis., for four days of workshops, including some focused on strategizing for demonstrations at the upcoming Democratic and Republican national conventions. The 2008 CrimethInc. Convergence was the sixth annual communal campout organized by CrimethInc. Ex-Workers’ Collective, an international underground network that since the mid-1990s has published widely read anarchist texts such as “Recipes for Disaster: An Anarchist Cookbook.”

The group also has drawn the attention of FBI agents trying to infiltrate the protest movement. At the 2004 CrimethInc. gathering in Iowa, an undercover FBI operative met Eric McDavid, a California man who was found guilty last year of conspiring to burn or blow up a federal facility.

“The locals are welcome,” media liaison and local circus performer Pinkerton Xyloma said. “We have a no-media policy because the media are not considered individuals. It is a concern that people from the media will not respect people’s consent or consensus.” Xyloma would not say why the group was gathered in Wisconsin or what participants were discussing. He said they had no interest in violence or terrorism. According to their website the focus of the 2008 convergence was on strategizing for action at the national conventions and “longer-range anarchist endeavors.” Among the presenters: The RNC Welcoming Committee, an anarchist group preparing to disrupt the 2008 Republican National Convention in Minnesota.

Deutsche Presse-Agentur reported that the Russian military may deploy long-range bombers in Cuba to counter the U.S. missile defense shield planned to be based in the Czech Republic and Poland, according to Russian media reports Monday. “At the moment, there are just thoughts – but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something concrete behind it,” an unidentified officer was quoted as telling Izvestiya newspaper.

A former base commander, Lieutenant-General Mikhail Oparin, was quoted as welcoming the idea. “Russia’s air fleet must work towards a presence in every corner of the world,” he told Interfax news agency. “An extended radius of action for our air force could be a response to the one-sided action of the USA in setting up a strategic system on Russia’s borders.” Russia views the planned deployment of ten US missiles in Poland and a radar facility in the Czech Republic as a threat. However, the presence of Russian bombers in Cuba would provoke an international conflict, the Izvestiya report said. Some pundits say that actions involving anarchy and long-range bombing are merely different attempts to communicate ones ideals, and should be respected like other peoples languages.

“Just because anarchists hang out in Wisconsin and Russia wants to put long-range bombers in Cuba doesn’t mean that they’re bad, or that they’re a threat to anyone,” said a junior Senator from Chicago named Barack Obama, a clever speaker, and friend to racketeers’ and anti-American ministers.  “If America would provide enough free healthcare and housing assistance to the world through the United Nations like I’m proposing, and will start wearing head scarves and adopting pro-Iranian nuclear ambitions, we’ll have peace in our time and they’ll kill us last.  It’s a dream that I have and with my platform of change, it’s a dream that I can bring to reality in America.  The American people just have to stop clinging to god, guns, their bank accounts and personal freedoms, and adopt my platform of change so that we can realize this bright, new world.  I love America.  That’s why I want to change it into something else.”

In other news, OMG! reported last week that actress Salma Hayek called off her engagement to French billionaire Francois-Henri Pinault the father of her daughter Valentina.  And ABC News reported last week that Penelope Cruz is keen to follow best pal Salma Hayek’s example and start a family.  No word on whether Cruz plans to have billionaire Pinault knock her up like Hayek but reportedly anarchists are keen on the idea.  Vladimir Putin says he’ll swing by and take care of her himself if she wants, since he’ll be in the area with some bombers.  Reportedly he said, “Communication takes many forms and I’m willing to have lots of communication with Penelope.  And I have big powerful missiles.  I’ll show her my favorite one.”

(C) 2008

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