Daily Archives: July 29, 2008

Iran hangs drunks while five-year-old Texans head for Hooters

Common sense is in the eye of the beholder

Inebriated Press
July 29, 2008

The Denton Record-Chronicle, a Texas newspaper, reported last week that a 5-year-old boy slipped out of his child care center and crossed two busy streets to get to a Hooters restaurant.  And CNN reported on Saturday that Iran scheduled the hanging of thirty people for crimes including being a public nuisance while drunk.  Pundits are debating the social risks of semi-nude waitresses and annoying drunks to children and society, and whether killing people involved is really the thing to do.

“Let the kids go to Hooters and the drunks be annoying, but if you can’t handle that, then lock the doors on day-care’s so the kids can’t sneak out, and throw the irritating drunks into the street.  Don’t hang the kids or adults over silly infractions,” said Sistine ‘Sissy’ Chapel, a religious do-gooder whose enormous breasts are used only for feeding widows and orphans.  “I don’t think that scantily clad waitresses are necessary or that people should get drunk on liquor, but I still think that personal freedoms are more important than laws that ban silly things.  And I like Dairy Queen.  No one should interfere with Dairy Queen.  Some people call me that you know.  I kind of like it.”

Not everyone agrees with Sistine Chapel or her alter ego Dairy Queen.  “Hang the drunks and the kids and make the world a better place,” said Sandi Beech, a slender animal rights activist, who hates humankind and prefers to think of herself as a hairless Pekingese, although she looks more like a Chihuahua.  “Iran understands that if you don’t kill annoying drunks they’ll become Jewish capitalists filled with the unquenchable desire to exploit innocent animals and display anti-Nazi behavior.  And that kid in Texas obviously is obsessed with tits and will become an animal abuser like all guys who like breasts more than child care.  All these people must be stopped for the good of society and the protection of dogs.  Of whom I am one.”

The Denton Record-Chronicle reported that a 5-year-old boy slipped out of the Imagination Station child care center unnoticed last Tuesday, crossed two busy streets and wandered to a Hooter’s restaurant on the Interstate 35E service road in 100-degree heat. Employees of Hooters found the child safe about 5:20 p.m. He left the child care center in the 2300 block of San Jacinto Boulevard, crossed the Interstate 35E northbound service road and Dallas Drive, bought a soft drink at a service station and then walked to Hooters, where an employee found him in the parking lot and called police.

Deborah Pugh, who owns the child care business, said Wednesday that the boy asked to go to the bathroom and then slipped out a fire exit door, which must, by law, remain unlocked. Denton police spokesman Jim Bryan said someone from the child care center called 911 at 5:04 p.m., saying the child was missing. Officers searched the immediate vicinity and could not find the boy. “At 5:20 p.m., while the officer was on the scene at the child care center, the assistant manager of Hooters called police,” Bryan said. “He said they had found a boy wandering in the parking lot.”
CNN reported that thirty people convicted of drug and other criminal charges where slated to be hanged on Sunday, Iran’s semi-official Fars News Agency reported Saturday. The Iranian judiciary’s statement said that all 30 were convicted of crimes including murder, murder in commission of a crime, disturbing public safety and security, being a public nuisance while drunk, and being involved in illegal relationships — relationships between men and women who are not married to each other.

The judiciary said it will provide more details later as to the crimes committed by those condemned and added that the hangings should serve as a warning to those who are contemplating committing such crimes. Police cracked down on drug dealers, whom they called criminal gang members, and habitual criminals who use guns in the commission of their crime. Alleged weapons smugglers and people who break social and religious laws, including adulterers, were also targets. Experts say that once Iran gets a nuclear bomb, the world will behave much better.

“It’s my responsibility as a follower of the Hidden Imam, to restore justice and chaos to the world by nuking drunks, Jews and Hooters restaurants,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a thoughtful religious man, who believes in peace through destroying all who disagree with him.  “Our revolution’s main mission is to pave the way for the reappearance of the 12th Imam, the Mahdi.  And as part of my peaceful mission I will destroy the Jewish squatters on Palestinian land and the Americans with their immoral restaurants that tempt young children to escape concentration camps that are there for civil indoctrination.  In many ways I am my own god, or at least darn close to it.”

In other news, UK’s Daily Mail reported Thursday that a recent government report advises parents to watch steamy TV dramas and read teenagers’ magazines to help them start conversations with their children about sex. The report, commissioned by the Department for Children, Schools and Families, urged parents to make sex and relationships part of everyday conversation. It said they should look for possible discussion topics on TV, such as Ian Beale on EastEnders confronting his daughter Lucy about her boyfriend, only for her uncle to find her planning to have sex. No word on whether the UK government thinks daytime TV can help keep kids from busting into Hooters or keep Ahmadinejad from busting up the world.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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