Monthly Archives: August 2008
Obama-Biden or Osama-Bin Laden: coincidence?
Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant with Pretzels
August 29, 2008
ABC News reported this week that junior senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama, gives his Democrat Party acceptance speech, from a stage resembling a Greek temple in the middle of Invesco Field, the stadium where the NFL’s Denver Broncos’ play. The event, which comes at the end of a string of primary elections where Obama said “we are the ones we’ve been waiting for” and stated that he would sit down with terrorists like Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and chat about his feelings toward destroying the nation of Israel, has some people wondering about this guy.
“I can give Obama a pass on hanging with anti-American pastors for twenty years, and being buddies with jailed racketeer Rezko and being pals with unrepentant Pentagon bomber Bill Ayers. I don’t even mind that he says he’s a Christian but carries a pocket sized Hindu monkey god in his pants while refusing to wear an American flag lapel pin,” said Neville Spearman, a publishing executive, whose books of weird tales don’t come close to where the U.S. is headed with Obama as president. “But this Greek god thing he has going and the stadium stuff after hanging out in Germany has the feel of Hitler’s god-complex occult leanings. Couple that with the Democrat’s plans to introduce the ‘fairness doctrine’ which would mandate government approved ‘alternative points of view’ on radio to ‘balance’ conservative programming, and you’ve got the makings of the Nazi Propaganda Ministry, directed by Dr. Joseph Goebbels. I’m no longer nervous. I’m scared shitless. I’m so tight that Ex-Lax isn’t even working anymore.”
Not everyone sees it the way Spearman does. “Obama has gained a lot of his financial support from the Internet and recent investigations show that the IP addresses the money is from are locations in the Middle East, so you know right there that he can get along with those folks better than the U.S. has up to this point,” said someone claiming to be Ayaan Hirsi Ali, an infidel who renounced her belief in Islam on ethical grounds. “Between Obama and McCain you have to see that McCain will fight against Muslim extremists and that will be problematic for America. While Obama will give in and pull out of Middle Eastern countries and let Iran and the Russians do what they want. This will allow the U.S. to live in peace up until it’s time for the U.S. to be subject to the 12th Imam or somebody like him as declared by Iran’s Ahmadinejad. Some people say that Obama is that Imam, and others say he’s half brother to Bin Laden. But Obama says he’s just a world citizen, and the man we’ve been waiting for. I wouldn’t worry. In the long run everybody dies anyway. That’s been shown to be true throughout history.”
ABC News said Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama’s big speech on Thursday night is delivered from an elaborate columned stage resembling a miniature Greek temple. The New York Times reported Wednesday that Obama aides were feeling under pressure since the $8 million extravaganza made it hard to show a connection between Mr. Obama and the concerns of everyday Americans. But pundits say that “Change We Can Believe In” is about putting your faith in the being from The Temple of Obama, and that’s what counts.
“I’m asking you to believe in my ability to bring change,” said someone claiming to be Barack Obama, sounding a little like JFK, Reagan and Hitler, but not necessarily in that order. “With your vote I will lead America and have the help of Nancy Pelosi the Democrat Speaker of the House, and Harry Reid, the Democrat Senate majority leader. Yes, finally the Democrat Party alone will control the United States. And with my vision of change, you can bet you’re going to see lots of it. I know that I’ve been vague up to this point and that I’ve only had two terms in the Illinois State Senate and haven’t even completed one as U.S. Senator. I know that I have no business experience and have never governed a State or even managed a McDonald’s. But that won’t get in my way when I’m the most powerful man in the free world backed by a Democrat controlled Congress. I will do stuff and not just suggest vague concepts. There will be change and I can promise that. I am my own god. Now I can be yours too.”
According to Fox News on Thursday, the same set team that designed Britney Spear’s last tour has constructed the enormous, Greek-columned stage where Barack Obama will officially accept the Democratic presidential nomination. The set, which was reportedly designed to resemble the White House and Lincoln Memorial, was built inside the 75,000-seat stadium — Invesco Field at Mile High in Denver — under the direction of Bobby Allen, Spears’ former staging manager. “It’s only appropriate that Barack Obama would descend down from the heavens and spend a little time with us mere mortals when accepting the Democratic nomination,” RNC spokesman Danny Diaz said.
In other news, The New York Post reported Thursday that scientists have transformed one type of cell into another in living mice, a big step toward the goal of growing replacement tissues to treat a variety of diseases. The work is “a major leap” in reprogramming cells from one kind to another, said one expert not involved in the research, John Gearhart of the University of Pennsylvania. No word from Obama whether he’ll use the technique to transform the U.S. from a Democratic-Republic into a Socialist-Totalitarian Regime, or if he’ll just let Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid do the heavy lifting.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Mexicans implant tracking transmitters; fear kidnapping
Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) official grab woman’s breasts; fearing bomb
August 28, 2008
The UK Daily Mail reported last week that middle-class Mexicans are having tiny transmitters implanted under their skin so that satellites can track them if they are kidnapped. And the San Francisco Chronicle reported Tuesday that a big-busted woman wearing a large underwire bra set off the metal detector at Oakland International Airport causing a TSA agent to grope her. Fear of kidnapping and big breasts is grabbing people like Bill Clinton did interns back in the Oval Office.
“You can’t be too careful in today’s society, what with Mexican kidnappers, TSA gropers and Democrats for Obama running around doing whatever they want. It’s every woman for themselves anymore,” said Debbi Morer-Les, a sophisticated dentist from Denver, who believes that some things are worth running from. “I may just be one dentist out of the four of five who recommend chewing gum, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worried about societies trends. I’ve got investments in silicone valley and in silicon implants so I might set off metal detectors and get accosted at an airport. I may have to divest to avoid the risk. If I can find a plan that allows me to swap silicon breast implants for an electronic transmitter so I can be tracked if I’m kidnapped by Democrats, I might just do that.”
Not everyone is worried like Morer-Les. “Kidnappings and gropings have been going on since time began and it’s not like it’s anything new, or something to be afraid of,” said Sosumi Moranis, a slender Asian whose beauty defies description just like her undisclosed employment. “What woman hasn’t been groped or kidnapped at least once or twice in the last six months. Well, I suppose there are some, but none who haven’t at least thought about it.”
The Daily Mail reported that sales of transmitters that can be implanted under the skin and tracked by satellites have jumped by 13 per cent this year after kidnappings surged by almost 40 per cent in Mexico between 2004 and 2007. The crystal-encased chip, which is the size and shape of a grain of rice, is injected into middle-class Mexicans’ bodies with a syringe. A transmitter in the chip sends radio signals to a device, carried by the client, with a global positioning system in it, say makers Xega. A satellite can then pinpoint the kidnap victim’s location. Mexico ranks with conflict zones such as Iraq and Colombia as among the worst countries for abductions. Official statistics show 751 kidnappings in the country last year, but the independent crime research institute ICESI says the number could have exceeded 7,000.
The San Francisco Chronicle reported that Berkeley resident Nancy Kates went to Oakland International Airport to board JetBlue flight 472 to Boston, and ended up in a standoff with Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials over her bra. Kates, a big-busted woman, was wearing a large underwire bra, and she set off the metal detector. She was pulled aside and checked by a female TSA agent with a metal-sensitive wand. “The woman touched my breast. I said, ‘You can’t do that,’ “ Kates said. “She said, ‘We have to pat you down.’ I said, ‘You can’t treat me as a criminal for wearing a bra.’ “
The supervisor told her she had the choice of submitting to a pat-down in a private room or not flying. Kates offered a third alternative, to take off her bra and try again, which the TSA accepted. So she went to the rest room, then through the security line a second time. Walking through the airport braless can be embarrassing for a large-chested woman, not to mention uncomfortable. The metal detector didn’t beep on the second time through, but then officials decided to go through Kates’ carry-on luggage, she said. The whole undertaking took 40 minutes, Kates said, and caused her to miss her flight. JetBlue put her on another one, but she was four hours late getting to Boston. TSA spokesman Nico Melendez said that he wasn’t familiar with the incident. But he said in all circumstances, “we have to resolve an alarm.” Some pundit’s say what’s really alarming is that there are close to 20 million illegal aliens in the U.S. that go un-tracked, un-patted down and whose status is unresolved.
“In April of this year Bear Stearns’ estimated that there are 20 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. and while that’s bad enough in itself, some of these people are known to be Hezbollah operatives who paid Mexican smugglers to get them into the country,” said Capricorn Five-Comando, a short Israeli-Palestinian New Yorker, who lives in constant conflict with himself. “Legal Mexicans are establishing systems so that they can be tracked and TSA is busting big busted women out of fear that their boobs are about to blow. Meanwhile American borders are porous and for a couple thousand dollars you can buy a fake passport and ID and get smuggled into the U.S. so you can build your base of operations, and prepare to spring out and attack all at once. This shit is what people ought to be paying attention to. Once you understand that Iran created and finances Hezbollah and they want to bring the US and Israel down, you get a better understanding of what we’re up against. What I need is a big busted TSA woman to take my mind off all this. I wonder how I can track one down?”
In other news, KASW-CW6 Phoenix reported last week that David Hayes’ caught a record breaking channel catfish using his granddaughters 2 1/2 feet long Barbie Doll rod-and-reel. Hayes landed the record-breaking fish, which weighed 21 pounds, 1 ounce, on Aug. 5 from a private pond in Wilkes County, North Carolina, while fishing with his granddaughter Alyssa, 3. Hayes says he’s been getting a lot of ribbing from folks who kid him about a grown man fishing with a hot pink Barbie Doll rod and reel. No word on how he tracked the fish or how he feels about TSA’s approach to big busted women.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Scientists say dogs are able to detect tumors
Playboy Playmate Shelley Darlingson stars in “The House Bunny”
August 27, 2007
RedOrbit reported last week that scientists are now using dogs to sniff out bladder tumors from urine samples, a non-invasive and simple way of detecting disease. And The Jersey Journal reported that Playboy Bunny Shelley Darlingson is living the bimbo dream as she makes her home in the Playboy Mansion and is currently staring in a new Adam Sandler movie. Pundits debate whether it’s fair to compare Playboy Bunny’s with cancer-curing dogs, or even talk about them in the same paragraph.
“You can’t discuss curing cancer and an Adam Sandler movie in the same context, it’s more than absurd,” said John Doe, a unisexual adult who denies a real identity and continues to argue that there is no sign that John Doe’s really exist anyplace in the universe. “There is no platform for a comparative discussion about the two, I don’t exist as a being in any true format, and this conversation is completely superfluous. If I actually existed I’d own a dog and be in pursuit of a Playboy Bunny like everybody else, but that’s not the case. I’m not usually this crabby but babes, bunnies and dogs are important and shouldn’t be taken so lightly that writers invent shallow characters like me to discuss them. I’m very disappointed.”
Not everyone thinks illness and movies are disparate. “I’ve gotten sick watching movies a lot of times, not cancer I don’t think because I don’t live with a dog that can tell me that, but the two do share the same contextual space on occasion,” said Jane Doe, a person of interest, whose invented life seems to be less onerous to her than John’s. “I like movies and dogs and am against all illnesses. I guess I’m simple that way. That’s why I like Adam Sandler. You don’t have to be too bright to watch his flicks. Of course you can’t expect much from them no matter what your IQ is.”
RedOrbit reported that scientists are using dogs to sniff out bladder tumors from urine samples, and a common form of skin cancer could be detected by its distinctive scent, possibly paving the way for new cheap and painless forms of testing. Philadelphia’s Monell Center sampled the air directly above basal cell carcinomas and found it was different to similar samples from healthy skin. Experts say all human skin releases chemicals called “volatile organic compounds”, many of which do have a scent. “Our findings may someday allow doctors to screen for and diagnose skin cancers at very early stages,” said Dr Michelle Gallagher, presenting the results of the project at the American Chemical Society’s annual conference.
The Jersey Journal reported that Shelley Darlingson is living the bimbo dream. She’s already appeared in three nude pictorials (including “Girls of the G.E.D.”). She has her own room at the Playboy Mansion, all the mango margaritas she can drink and an expense account at every Candies outlet in town. Hef himself has said she might even be Miss November. Now Darlingson gets to play the house-mother to a sorority in an Adam Sandler production called “The House Bunny.” Like their biggest hit, “Legally Blonde,” this movie features a sexy ditz (the about-to-hit Reese Witherspoon then, the ambitious Anna Faris here) who’s too sweet to hate. Like that movie, it features snobbish villains, mad makeover sessions and lots of Cosmo Girl dating tips. Although “The House Bunny” is supposedly about empowerment, it’s mostly about how to live and look like a porn star. Some pundits argue that dogs and porn stars are all most men are looking for.
“A guy with a good dog and a porn star relationship has all his needs met except for food and shelter,” said some idiot who wandered past and looked over my shoulder. “I mean what guy wouldn’t want to live with a loveable cancer-detecting dog that wags its tail at you, and a hot chick that knows everything about sex and wags her tail at you? Put me in house with them next to a Denny’s and I’d be set.”
In related news, Inebriated reporters have been in heated debate over whether this writer has lost his entire mind or just part of it. No word on whether it really matters. “I’ve still got my health,” I said.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Some study, others just do whatever it takes
August 26, 2008
WFMY News 2 North Carolina reported last week that BioSante Pharmaceuticals, Inc. is currently sponsoring a nationwide research study to determine if an experimental medication can increase women’s sexual desire. And the San Francisco Chronicle reported last week that a 61-year-old Japanese woman gave birth to her own grandchild, using an egg donated by her daughter. Debate over what constitutes sex drive and whether that has anything to do with procreation is swirling in the air like truth and lies around “16 year-old” female Chinese gymnasts.
“Sex drive in humans has very little to do with procreation although no sex drive at all tends to reduce the likelihood of pregnancy,” said Maj R. Geniuss, a pharmaceutical representative, who believes that prior to drug companies existence the universe had no history. “Humans and monkeys are the only creatures in nature who have sex for fun, all other species have sex only for procreation. This naturally leads to confusing questions about whether nature intended sex to be used for anything other than procreation, but we at Big Pharma really don’t care as long as we can sell drugs to increase sex drive if you want it, or cut it down if you don’t. We also don’t care if you never make up your mind. The market for uppers and downers for emotional management is good, so we think that products to ramp sex drive up and down will also be good. And I don’t mean that as male metaphor, although I suppose it could be used that way.”
Not everyone is as cavalier about sex, drugs and procreation as Geniuss is. “Having children, particularly the way the 61 year-old did, by giving birth to her own grandchild, has nothing to do with sex drive and everything to do with procreation,” said Jezebel Vondervan, a wonder of womanhood and achievement, whose fifteen children by fourteen different men is still a record in Tinytownn, Oregon. “I don’t care for sex and never did, but I like children and believe strongly that they are our future. I want a good future so I want lots of kids. I don’t care for men much though, but at this point in the evolutionary time window, they’re still needed if you want to get knocked up without a lot of expense. Not only do I not have to pay anyone for invitro fertilization, these guys usually will even pick up the drink tab and sometimes dinner. You stick to your mission and do what works.”
WFMY News 2 reported that approximately 40 million American women suffer from some type of sexual disorder, the most common being Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD), sometimes referred to as low sex drive. BioSante Pharmaceuticals, Inc. is currently sponsoring a nationwide medical research study, the Bloom Study, to determine if LibiGel, an investigational study medication, can increase women’s sexual desire.
The article said sexual activity has many health benefits and is an important part of relationships. But those with HSDD are rarely in the mood for intimacy. “Currently, there are no medications approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of low sexual desire,” said James A. Simon, MD, a LibiGel study investigator, Clinical Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the George Washington University in Washington. “We know there is a tremendous medical need.” For more information on the Bloom Study, visit http://www.BloomStudy.com.
The San Francisco Chronicle reported that surrogate births are extremely rare in Japan and banned by industry groups, but that didn’t stop a 61-year-old Japanese woman from giving birth to her own grandchild, using an egg from her daughter. “Both surrogate mother and baby were fine,” said Chihiro Netsu, a spokeswoman for Suwa Maternity Clinic in Nagano, northwest of Tokyo. Dr. Yahiro Netsu, who runs the clinic, has long defied national opposition to such procedures, arguing that they should be an option for women who are infertile.
The spokeswoman said the 61-year-old woman was believed to be the oldest surrogate mother in Japan, and news reports said she was the oldest woman to have given birth overall. The clinic refused to provide information such as the date of the birth or gender of the baby. At Suwa Maternity Clinic, eight surrogate mothers have given birth. Of them, four women have delivered babies using fertilized eggs from their daughters. Some pundits argue that humankind has evolved beyond procreation and should be focused on having fun.
“Only people have ‘I think therefore I am’ consciousness and only people and monkey’s have sex for fun in addition to procreation. It’s time that we humans evolve beyond the animals that only have sex for procreation, and beyond monkey’s who have it for fun and procreation. Humans should only be having sex for fun,” said Debbie Duz-Dallas, a mathematical theoretician who once postulated an orgasmic theory that broke the sound barrier. “We would stop over-population thereby reducing humankind’s footprint on the environment, and reduce our demand for earth’s resources. And sex can be highly physical and can be used for exercise and better health. I’m telling you we can upgrade the human race and stop global warming in one fell swoop. I’ll bet the Big Pharma folks will buy in.”
In related news, KARE 11 Twin Cities reported last week that a Cleveland High School teacher, in Houston, Texas was charged with prostitution after meeting a man in an online chat room and soliciting him in a downtown Houston hotel. Police said Laurie Ann Lewis, 38, was arrested Tuesday at the Four Seasons in an undercover sting. She was arrested after asking for $300 to perform a sexual act, police said. The Cleveland Independent School District said Lewis was “placed on paid administrative leave pending resolution of the matter.” No word on whether Lewis will transfer to Florida where teachers and students have sex together regularly, or whether her sex drive is solely tied to money, in which case she may transfer to Nevada.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
California Town Busts 11-year-old Over Zucchini
California City Shields Illegal Alien Criminal Suspected of Murder
America finally gets tough on the serious crimes
August 25, 2008
KGO-TV San Francisco reported last week that the city of Clayton, California shut down the produce stand of 11-year-old Katie and 3-year- old Sabrina Lewis for selling their families surplus garden-grown Zucchini, melons, tomatoes and radishes because their veggie stand wasn’t located in a properly zoned area. And the San Francisco Chronicle reported last week that an illegal immigrant freed after being shielded from possible deportation by San Francisco officials despite committing two gang-related assaults as a juvenile – now faces charges that he tried to stab a man to death. Pundits say the U.S. finally has its priorities straight.
“We can no longer run the risk of anarchy committed against the United States of America by 11 and 3 year-old girls who wantonly flaunt zoning regulations and sell fresh fruits and vegetables to the unsuspecting public,” said Adolf Hitler-Esque, a public official who has had enough of little girls earning a few bucks by trafficking in healthy vegetables. “These children cannot be tolerated by a tolerant society. They are taking away the jobs of illegal immigrants who harvest vegetables and only occasionally assault and murder people. In the New Economy, we can’t cut children any slack if they engage in commerce while legally living in this country. It would be different if they were here illegally and were assaulting people, we can look past that kind of stuff.”
Not everyone agrees with Hitler-Esque. “These are children selling vegetables for god’s sake, it’s not like they’re dealing drugs or trying to kill somebody, for crying out loud,” said Horatio Alger-Esque, a nutritionist with a bias toward vegetation who also secretly harbors a weakness toward good work ethic. “We shelter criminals who are breaking the law by being here and we crush the business enterprise of some kids who might make fifty-cents selling some tomatoes. If this kind of logic keeps up people will start thinking that deposing a murderous dictator in Iraq has the same moral equivalency as Russia invading a peaceful democracy like the Republic of Georgia. God help us.”
ABC affiliate KGO-TV San Francisco reported that two young East Bay girls are trying to find out if you really can fight city hall. The youngsters are battling to get their produce stand back after the city of Clayton shut them down. The mayor himself is getting involved in this issue; he says the produce stand, operated by two young sisters, had to be shut down because of public safety and a zoning ordinance.
The KGO-TV site said 11-year-old Katie and 3-year- old Sabrina Lewis had been selling their families surplus fruits and veggies – stuff like: “Zucchini, melons, tomatoes, radishes,” said Sabrina Lewis. They did it for maybe four hours on Saturday mornings to make a little money. They haven’t sold a thing since the police showed up. “They said traffic was being stopped and then they came up with we can’t have a roadside stand and then they said it was a commercial enterprise,” said Katie Lewis, the 11-year-old former produce seller.
Clayton Mayor Gregg Manning said that you can’t trust little girls. “They may start out with a little card-table and selling a couple of things, but then who is to say what else they have. Is all the produce made there, do they make it themselves? Are they going to have eggs and chickens for sale next,” said Manning. Mike Lewis, father of the illegal veggie providers, says he has approached the city planning commission – hoping to find a compromise making one last stand for his girls’ produce stand. City planners meet next week.
The San Francisco Chronicle reported that Eric Antonio Uc-Cahun, now 19, a native of Mexico, and suspected of being in the United States illegally – was freed after being shielded from possible deportation by San Francisco officials despite committing two gang-related assaults as a juvenile. Now San Mateo County authorities say he faces charges that he tried to stab a man to death. The San Mateo County stabbing was especially vicious, authorities said – a top prosecutor said the victim had been “gutted, like you gut a pig.”
The article said Uc-Cahun’s history of youth offenses in the city was similar to that of Edwin Ramos, a 21-year-old Salvadoran native facing triple-murder charges in connection with the slayings in June of a San Francisco man and two of his sons on an Excelsior district street. “How many of these people are there who were the beneficiaries of this process?” asked Joseph Russoniello, the U.S. attorney for Northern California, who has been critical of the city’s practice of shielding immigrants from deportation. “This is what happens when the best intentions are misapplied,” Russoniello said. “If there was any justification for this program, cases like this certainly undermine that expectation. These attacks demonstrate that these people are acting with impunity because they have little to fear.” Some people argue that allowing vegetable stands in the wrong part of town will lead to worse crimes than murder.
“If you have any understanding of the nature of True Crime you’d know that harboring illegal murderers is nothing compared to allowing children to sell vegetables on street corners,” said an unnamed government official, with duct tape covering his name tag. “If we allow kids to engage in commerce at these young ages they’ll grow into corporate executives who make millions of dollars by creating new jobs and stimulating the economy. The next thing you know they’ll try to ban illegal workers from slipping across the countries borders, and want barriers against foreigners who want to come here illegally and kill people they disagree with. Before you know it, they’ll even want to stop Islamofascists from beheading infidels or free people who are subject to them. The next thing you know, they’ll start voting Republican. We have to nip this stuff in the bud.”
In other news, The Smoking Gun (TSG) reported last week that Heidi Dalibor, a 20-year-old from Wisconsin, was arrested for two overdue library books. Dalibor failed to respond to letters from the Grafton Library and kept the books for a couple of weeks. According to a police report, Dalibor was apprehended at her family’s home, cuffed and stuffed in a cruiser, and booked for violating the “overdue library materials” ordinance. She also had to pose for a mug shot at the Grafton Police Department. Dalibor subsequently settled with the library by paying her overdue fines and reimbursing it for the cost of the two novels, which totaled around $180. Dalibor’s mother Patty told TSG that her daughter was “a good kid” who works two jobs. She is also now the owner of two Fitch and Brown books, which Dalibor got to keep as a result of paying off her library levies. No word on whether selling vegetables as a child led her to the criminal book violations, but since she’s a legal American citizen we can all appreciate the need to bust her ass and imprison her for as long as it took to straighten her out.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Comedian to push Vista operating system
Olympian to push breakfast cereal
August 24, 2008
Ars Technica reported Thursday that Microsoft has a new $300 million ad campaign to promote their flailing Vista operating system with the help of comic, Jerry Seinfeld. And E! Online reported Wednesday that Kellogg’s Corn Flakes beat out General Mills Wheaties, and will have Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps hawking their cereal. Connoisseurs of computers and breakfast debate whether famous people can change their consumer buying habits.
“I’ll do anything that Michael tells me too,” said Heather Ann Nempho, a space historian and Playgirl magazine collector, on the rebound after the magazines cancelation. “He is everything a woman wants in a man. Kind, cute, strong, rich, famous and an Olympian. What’s not to like! On the other hand what’s Seinfeld ever done but toss out some silly comments? I wouldn’t take his advice on deodorant.”
Not everyone buys what Nempho is selling. “I’ll take Jerry Seinfeld’s advice before some jocks,” said Flowie River-Pebblebottom, a small assed nuclear physicist who values cheeky humor and creativity over testosterone. “Jerry wouldn’t lead me wrong about computer software; he’s not that kind of guy. I’d do anything he asked. Anything. But Phelps, what’s he ever done but splash around in the water really really fast? I should take advice on nutrition from a water baby? I don’t think so.”
Ars Technica reported that Microsoft hopes a new $300 million ad campaign about the flailing Windows Vista will somehow turn it into a success with the help of comedian Jerry Seinfeld. The campaign will be one of the largest in Microsoft’s history, and is expected to begin on September 4. Seinfeld may not be the only celebrity involved in the new Windows Vista campaign. The ever-popular “people close to the situation” have informed the Wall Street Journal that Seinfeld is simply “one of the key celebrity pitchmen” that will appear alongside Bill Gates to discuss Vista’s merits. Vista’s reputation has taken a beating since its launch, and Microsoft said last month that it was finally going to do something about it. In the meantime, Apple will continue to pummel Vista with its own somewhat-annoying, but apparently effective “Get a Mac” campaign. Will Seinfeld be able to out-funny John Hodgman and Justin Long? Time will tell.
E! Online reported that it’s a sad day for Wheaties. Kellogg’s beat out the “Breakfast of Champions” for the honor of featuring Michael Phelps on Corn Flakes and Frosted Flakes cereal boxes. Does anyone else miss the iconic orange background that usually goes along with Olympic victory? And “Better eat your Frosted Flakes, son” doesn’t sound nearly as inspiring. Of course, nutritionists aren’t too happy about the switch either, since Tony the Tiger’s cereal has three times the amount of sugar as Wheaties and only a third of the fiber, neither of which help the fight against childhood obesity. Will you eat ’em? I guess time will tell about that too.
In other news, the National Ledger reports that Amanda Beard is certainly not afraid to bare all. The Olympic swimmer dropped her clothes for Playboy and PETA and now she is baring her soul for Michael Phelps. Or at least his mom. Beard is in full damage control as she desperately tries to backpedal on her comments about Phelps when she was quizzed by a radio program asking if she was dating Phelps, America’s newest hero and an eight-time gold medal winner at the Beijing Olympics. On the radio program Amanda told the audience that she was not dating Phelps but many believed that she went too far when she said it would be nasty to date Phelps and responded with a “Eww No!” when asked if she had ever “hooked up” with the Olympic champion. She later tossed in a “that’s nasty! Phelps mother Debbie said that she thought the comments by Beard were “rude.” Amanda apologized. No word on whether she’d date Seinfeld if she had the chance, or if she plans to toss her Apple for Vista.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Plans to One-up JFK and Bill Clinton
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
August 22, 2008
Houston’s Bay Area Citizen reported Wednesday that Barack Obama wants one more shuttle fight after NASA’s planned shut down of the program in 2010. And UK’s Metro reported on Wednesday, that NASA advisor Dr Jason Kring is calling for the US space agency to prepare astronauts for sex in space. Debate over the real reason Obama wants NASA to reserve one more shuttle flight after he becomes president, has pundits everywhere thinking the obvious and blushing like crazy.
“These two media reports released on the same day is no coincidence,” said someone claiming to be conservative radio talk show host Shaun Hannity, as he sat sticking pins into a small figurine that looked a lot like Barack Obama. “Junior Senator Obama has studied the speeches and mannerisms of John F. Kennedy, and has adopted the casual spin-the-truth style of Bill Clinton. That approach has him in line for the Democratic presidential nomination and positioned him as a strong candidate for U.S. president. But the presidency is clearly not enough for Obama. He wants to one-up both Kennedy and Clinton. Kennedy introduced the U.S. space program but never flew in space. Clinton banged interns in the Oval office and presumably on Air Force One, but never outside earth’s atmosphere. Obama wants to bang interns in outer space. I’m only saying this because it’s true. There’s no getting around it. When viewed together the articles speak for themselves.”
Not everyone agrees that Obama wants to be the first American president to have sex in outer space. “President Obama would never try and change the way NASA operates just so he can copulate outside of our planets atmosphere. He doesn’t like change that much, that’s why he uses old style Chicago politics,” said someone claiming to be liberal TV commentator Alan Colmes, as he sat sticking pins into a small figurine that looked a lot like John McCain. “If Hannity would have read the Wall Street Journal, also published on Wednesday, he’d have seen the headline ‘Obama Played by Chicago Rules.’ Chicago rules don’t give a rat’s ass about sex in space, they’re all about using legal technicalities, dirty dealing and working with racketeers like Tony Rezko, to get elected and seize power. Once again conservatives are trying to take a couple of unrelated news stories and one liberal’s desire for change and turn them into something crazy. Well we can be crazy enough without their help. Bill Clinton proved that.”
The Bay Area Citizen reported that Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama would like to see at least one more shuttle flight after NASA’s planned conclusion of the program in May 2010. According to a document released by the Obama campaign and posted on spaceref.com, the senator believes the planned five-year gap between the retirement of the space shuttle and the launch of the Constellation program is a cause for concern. The article said that according to a report from Tom Abrahams at ABC 13, Sen. Bill Nelson of Florida and former Sen. John Glenn, have endorsed Obama’s position paper, “Advancing The Frontiers of Space Exploration.” Previously, the Illinois senator has indicated he would consider cutting the space program to fund education, rattling nerves at NASA centers around the country.
The UK Metro reported that members of the mile-high club may soon be after an upgrade: with the onset of space tourism, we could see the 62-mile-high club. And it’s more than just a giggle for thrill-seekers: last month, NASA advisor Dr Jason Kring called for the US space agency to prepare astronauts for sex in space. “A round-trip mission to Mars could take three years,” he points out. “We shouldn’t assume these men and women will have no thoughts of sex.” He suggested privacy should be factored into the design of spacecraft and that astronauts follow the example of polar explorers and take ‘expedition spouses’ with them.
NASA isn’t alone on the sex-in-space frontier. The Metro said Virgin Galactic, Richard Branson’s space tourism venture, is due to start test flights this year. “We’ve already had a number of inquiries from people about whether they could be the first to have sex in space,” says Will Whitehorn, president of Virgin Galactic. “But we haven’t accepted any bookings on that basis and won’t until we understand what the safety issues might be.” Experts say hooking up in zero gravity could present problems. Pundits argue that problems are exactly what high-stepping progressive junior Senators casually overcome.
“Honestly, who would have believed me if I told you five years ago that in 2008 the U.S. would elect as president, a junior Senator with virtually no political experience and zero business skills, a man who spent 20 years in an anti-American church with a pastor whose buddy is Louis Farrakhan, a candidate with the Pentagon bomber as his good friend, and who had an imprisoned racketeer as a real estate partner,” asked someone claiming to be Bill Moyers, a conservative social communist, whose views on freedom are balanced with a liberal dose of totalitarianism and ethical blindness. “It’s a proud day to be an American without a flag lapel pin, bent on changing everything we know about U.S. history, government, and the redistribution of wealth. Oops, I think I just peed down my leg with excitement. Watch out so you don’t slip in it when you walk out.”
In other news, CBS 13 Sacramento reported on Tuesday that State Senator Alan Lowenthal, a Long Beach Democrat, says that electric cars are too quiet. Lowenthal is pushing a bill aimed at ensuring that the vehicles make enough noise to be heard by the blind and visually impaired when they’re about to cross a street. The state Senate approved the bill on a 23-12 vote and sent it to Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has not taken a position. State traffic officials say they don’t keep statistics on pedestrian accidents involving hybrid or electric vehicles. No word on whether the Senator has also made recommendations to NASA about managing the sounds of sex in space.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
Scientists invent microbattery that runs on a virus
Bigfoot claim is gorilla suit scam
August 21, 2008
AgBios reported Tuesday that MIT scientists have utilized a virus to create a tiny battery that can power miniature electronic devises. And C/Net News reported Tuesday that Bigfoot “hunters” who claimed they had discovered the body of a Sasquatch in Georgia, actually sold Bigfoot, Inc. a gorilla suit in a freezer. Debate over viral impacts on batteries and greed has pundits as excited as Bill Clinton at a Hooter’s.
“All things are ultimately the result of a virus; from the first flicker of life on earth, to the battle against disease in the Middle Ages, to the present day Bigfoot thought process where human beings perpetrate a scam. Each one of these was generated by a microscopic virus,” said Mandy Kandy-Kornn, a bio-science expert and weight lifter, whose book ‘The Human Virus: What Makes Men Suck,’ remains the definitive work on why guys hog the TV remote. “Ultimately no one is really responsible for anything because tiny viruses inhabit all life forms giving us energy, disease and bad TV channel changing habits. You think Putin invaded the Republic of Georgia just because he lusts for power and control? Nope. Reports say he had a slight fever the night before the invasion and when he got up that morning he said ‘let’s take Georgia’s oil pipeline, it should be ours anyhow.’ That’s how these viruses work.”
Not everyone thinks the way Kandy-Kornn does. “MIT is able to make a virus generate electricity in a controlled environment and the battery they’re building will be terrific, but the notion that a virus made Putin do what he did in Georgia, or that a virus made the guys do the Bigfoot hoax, is bunk,” said Mister Cleann-Energy, a soft spoken accountant and Popular Science subscriber, whose strong feelings about bioenergy are second only to his desire for clean tile flooring. “People are responsible for their own behavior and need to be held accountable. The MIT folks should be rewarded and Putin and the Bigfoot assholes should be shot. Or something like that. I’m not usually in favor of violence but I’ve got a cold and I’m feeling kind of crabby. Maybe a virus really is responsible for some behaviors.”
AgBios reported that MIT scientists have successfully utilized a virus to create a tiny battery that can power miniature electronic devices used for controlled drug delivery, and tiny lab-on-a-chip applications. MIT experts say that their method to build microbatteries relies on a genetically-engineered virus called M13. The scientists first made a template from polydimethylsiloxane (PDMS), a commonly used silicon-based organic polymer. After coating it with alternating layers of positive and negative electrolytes, they added the virus. The researchers had designed the virus to have negatively charged amino acids at its surface, so that it stuck to the template, and an affinity for cobalt, a favored material for batteries.
The AgBios article said each virus is a semi-rigid fiber a few nanometers in diameter, and about a micrometre long, which tends to pack tightly into a whorl that looks similar to a fingerprint. The researchers say that when the whole assembly is dipped into a solution of cobalt ions, it coats the viruses to create a very large surface area that could store charge. When the researchers stamp the template onto a platinum layer, and peel off the PDMS, they get an array of small dots of the prepared material, cobalt-side down, which forms the heart of an effective battery. “We’re talking about a simple, inexpensive and environmentally better way of generating a microbattery,” said Paula Hammond, part of the MIT team.
C/Net News reported that the excitement is over and everyone is lying down, shaking with shock, on discovering that the supposed Bigfoot discovery was, indeed, a gorilla suit in a freezer. Steve Kulls, who is apparently the executive director of something called SquatchDetective.com, was quoted as saying that he was present at the thawing process of the so-called Bigfoot and said, “As the team and I began examining this area near the feet, I observed the foot which looked unnatural, reached in and confirmed it was a rubber foot.”
The C/Net article said subsequently, Rick Dyer and Matthew Whitton, the two Georgians who claimed they had happened upon Bigfoot’s body, allegedly admitted they’d lied about it. Legal action is threatened because there appears to have been money given to Dyer and Whitton in exchange for the gorilla suit. And, presumably, the freezer. According to Kulls: “At this time the victim of this series of deceptions, Searching for Bigfoot, Inc., is seeking justice for themselves and for all the people who were deceived by this deception.” Some people say that deception is what makes the world go ’round.
“Who doesn’t like magicians and enjoy a good joke or trick now and then,” asked Vladimir Putin, as sat on a Russian Czar throne replica, calculating the future earnings of the Georgian BTC pipeline which reportedly produces around 100,000 barrels of oil a day. “I love shutting off oil to the Ukraine and ribbing them about the price of energy, and get a kick out of doing it to Western Europe too. The silly Georgians were working their way around me, with their oil pipeline, but not anymore. It’s a good joke on them and the U.S. who helped finance it because now it’s mine. I think everybody is enjoying a good chuckle over this one. At least all of us here at Putin Castle.”
In other news, USA Today reported yesterday that NASA’s new moon rockets will be outfitted with shock absorbers to buffer astronauts from jackhammer-like vibrations during rocky rides into orbit. A spring-and-damper ring will separate the first and second stages of Ares 1 rockets, which NASA is developing for missions to the International Space Station, the moon and later Mars. NASA aims to debut the Ares 1 rocket and Orion spacecraft by March 2015 — five years after the agency’s shuttle fleet is retired. The target for the first moon mission is 2020. No word on whether they’ll use virus based batteries or if it’s true that they plan to stuff Putin in a gorilla suit and launch him into space also. Word out of the former Republic of Georgia is that they vote ‘yes.’
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com
It’s all about priorities
August 20, 2008
Popular Mechanics September 2008 issue contains an article that outlines a new NASA plan to bomb the moon in an attempt to discover a source of water there. And Australia’s Herald Sun reported last week that a pill to cure the common cold has been developed by Australian scientists and is currently being tested. Debate over whether a cure to the common cold is more important than creating large explosions in space, is warming up like a guy with a bad sinus infection with no water to keep him cool and hydrated.
“Exploration and discovery has always been more important to the human race than health, safety and financial security. That’s why Europeans didn’t worry about spreading small pox to Native Americans when they trekked west across the North American plains, and astronauts risk fiery death on space flights, and U.S. voters are considering Barack Obama for the next president of the United States,” said Astro Fisics, a notorious gambler and Israeli nuclear scientist, whose secret work for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gives him a real rush. “The common cold is boring and having one or curing one doesn’t do anything for anybody. But blowing holes in the moon’s surface, whether it’s to find water or just blast the hell out of something in space; now that’s cool. Almost makes me think twice about giving Iran the bomb and watching them blow the shit out of everything down here.”
Not everyone is comfortable with Astro Fisics perspective. “The Aussies are doing something practical with science by curing the common cold, a nasty nasal infection that has plagued humankind for centuries,” said someone claiming to be Angelina Jolie, a part-time actress, activist, adoption agency and silicon investor. “Science needs to spend more time curing and fixing things and less time blowing stuff up. There are so many ills in today’s world that need a cure; it seems like such a shame that we don’t spend more time focused on them. Do you like my lips and boobs? Most guys do. They’re one of my contributions to beautifying the world and making it a better place. And I didn’t even use explosives to make them look this way. A little science sure, but no bombs. See how science can be used for good?”
Popular Science reported that NASA, short on time and tight on money, is aiming to solve the mystery of lunar ice in late winter—by crashing a low-budget kamikaze spacecraft into a crater on the moon. The agency plans to return astronauts to the lunar surface in 12 years as the first step in establishing a permanent outpost. The base could be an ideal location for manufacturing processes best suited for low gravity, or for helium-3 mining to fuel future fusion reactors. The agency also sees the moon as the perfect construction site and launch pad for eventual manned journeys to Mars. Water is a key ingredient in these grand schemes, because it can be broken down into oxygen for lunar bases and fuel for rockets.
The Popular Science article said a bare-bones spacecraft, dubbed the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite (LCROSS), would sit beneath the LRO atop an Atlas rocket. After launch, with the LRO safely bound for the moon, LCROSS would remain attached to the Atlas’s spent upper-stage rocket, known as the Centaur. Using the moon’s gravity, LCROSS would maneuver the Centaur—”like a VW steering a school bus,” Dan Andrews of NASA says—into an elongated orbit around Earth that assures a collision with one of the moon’s poles. Nine hours before impact, 24,000 miles above the lunar surface, LCROSS and the Centaur would separate. The 5000-pound Centaur would crash into a dark crater at twice the speed of a rifle bullet, kicking up a plume of debris more than 6 miles high. Four minutes later, the heavily instrumented LCROSS would ride the plume, checking for water and relaying data to Earth until it, too, slammed into the lunar surface.
The Herald Sun reported that a pill to cure the common cold has been developed by scientists at Australia-based Biota Holdings. The drug, which is known as BTA798, latches on to cold-causing human rhinoviruses (HRV), preventing them from breaking into the body’s cells and causing infection. BTA798 could be used to clear up sniffles in healthy people and prevent life-threatening infections in asthma and cystic fibrosis sufferers. Effective against the bugs that cause half of colds in adults and almost all colds in children, it could net its Australian creators billions of dollars a year.
The Sun article said Peter Cook, Biota Holdings chief executive officer, hailed the BTA798 results as a significant milestone in the development of what could be a world-first anti-viral treatment for HRV in high-risk patients. In a double-pronged attack, BTA798 stops any infection that has taken hold from spreading. In lab tests, the drug killed large quantities of cold virus within a couple of hours. Larger-scale trials are now under way to determine whether it can actually prevent people from catching a cold.
In other news, WPIX Pittsburg reported Monday that an 85-year-old great-grandmother from Lake Lynn, Fayette County kept an alleged burglar at bay using a .22-caliber pistol. According to police, a 17-year-old suspect was attempting to burglarize Leda Smith overnight. That’s when Smith grabbed her gun and told the teen that she would shoot him if he moved, police said.
“I had the gun on him before he turned around and said, ‘you’ve had it,’ ” Smith told Channel 11-News. According to police, Smith ordered the boy to dial 911 and then gave him some advice. “Dial 911 and don’t attempt to throw the phone at me, or do anything bad or I’ll just shoot you,” Smith said. When police arrived, they took the teen into custody. No word on how the 85-year-old feels about blasting holes in the surface of the moon or battling the common cold, but chances are, she’s prepared for both.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com