Monthly Archives: August 2008

Computers & You

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Poultry Pops

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The Temple of Obama: “I am the god you’ve been waiting for”

Obama-Biden or Osama-Bin Laden: coincidence?

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant with Pretzels
August 29, 2008

The Temple of Obama at Invesco Field

The Temple of Obama at Invesco Field

ABC News reported this week that junior senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama, gives his Democrat Party acceptance speech, from a stage resembling a Greek temple in the middle of Invesco Field, the stadium where the NFL’s Denver Broncos’ play.  The event, which comes at the end of a string of primary elections where Obama said “we are the ones we’ve been waiting for” and stated that he would sit down with terrorists like Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and chat about his feelings toward destroying the nation of Israel, has some people wondering about this guy. 



“I can give Obama a pass on hanging with anti-American pastors for twenty years, and being buddies with jailed racketeer Rezko and being pals with unrepentant Pentagon bomber Bill Ayers.  I don’t even mind that he says he’s a Christian but carries a pocket sized Hindu monkey god in his pants while refusing to wear an American flag lapel pin,” said Neville Spearman, a publishing executive, whose books of weird tales don’t come close to where the U.S. is headed with Obama as president.  “But this Greek god thing he has going and the stadium stuff after hanging out in Germany has the feel of Hitler’s god-complex occult leanings.  Couple that with the Democrat’s plans to introduce the ‘fairness doctrine’ which would mandate government approved ‘alternative points of view’ on radio to ‘balance’ conservative programming, and you’ve got the makings of the Nazi Propaganda Ministry, directed by Dr. Joseph Goebbels.  I’m no longer nervous.  I’m scared shitless.  I’m so tight that Ex-Lax isn’t even working anymore.”

Idol in my pocket.

Idol in my pocket.

Not everyone sees it the way Spearman does.  “Obama has gained a lot of his financial support from the Internet and recent investigations show that the IP addresses the money is from are locations in the Middle East, so you know right there that he can get along with those folks better than the U.S. has up to this point,” said someone claiming to be Ayaan Hirsi Ali, an infidel who renounced her belief in Islam on ethical grounds.  “Between Obama and McCain you have to see that McCain will fight against Muslim extremists and that will be problematic for America.  While Obama will give in and pull out of Middle Eastern countries and let Iran and the Russians do what they want.  This will allow the U.S. to live in peace up until it’s time for the U.S. to be subject to the 12th Imam or somebody like him as declared by Iran’s Ahmadinejad.  Some people say that Obama is that Imam, and others say he’s half brother to Bin Laden.  But Obama says he’s just a world citizen, and the man we’ve been waiting for.  I wouldn’t worry.  In the long run everybody dies anyway.  That’s been shown to be true throughout history.”

No American flag lapel pin needed.

No American flag lapel pin needed.

ABC News said Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama’s big speech on Thursday night is delivered from an elaborate columned stage resembling a miniature Greek temple. The New York Times reported Wednesday that Obama aides were feeling under pressure since the $8 million extravaganza made it hard to show a connection between Mr. Obama and the concerns of everyday Americans. But pundits say that “Change We Can Believe In” is about putting your faith in the being from The Temple of Obama, and that’s what counts.

“I’m asking you to believe in my ability to bring change,” said someone claiming to be Barack Obama, sounding a little like JFK, Reagan and Hitler, but not necessarily in that order.  “With your vote I will lead America and have the help of Nancy Pelosi the Democrat Speaker of the House, and Harry Reid, the Democrat Senate majority leader.  Yes, finally the Democrat Party alone will control the United States.  And with my vision of change, you can bet you’re going to see lots of it.  I know that I’ve been vague up to this point and that I’ve only had two terms in the Illinois State Senate and haven’t even completed one as U.S. Senator.  I know that I have no business experience and have never governed a State or even managed a McDonald’s.  But that won’t get in my way when I’m the most powerful man in the free world backed by a Democrat controlled Congress.  I will do stuff and not just suggest vague concepts.  There will be change and I can promise that. I am my own god.  Now I can be yours too.”

Citizens of The World Unite for Change.

According to Fox News on Thursday, the same set team that designed Britney Spear’s last tour has constructed the enormous, Greek-columned stage where Barack Obama will officially accept the Democratic presidential nomination. The set, which was reportedly designed to resemble the White House and Lincoln Memorial, was built inside the 75,000-seat stadium — Invesco Field at Mile High in Denver — under the direction of Bobby Allen, Spears’ former staging manager. “It’s only appropriate that Barack Obama would descend down from the heavens and spend a little time with us mere mortals when accepting the Democratic nomination,” RNC spokesman Danny Diaz said.

In other news, The New York Post reported Thursday that scientists have transformed one type of cell into another in living mice, a big step toward the goal of growing replacement tissues to treat a variety of diseases. The work is “a major leap” in reprogramming cells from one kind to another, said one expert not involved in the research, John Gearhart of the University of Pennsylvania. No word from Obama whether he’ll use the technique to transform the U.S. from a Democratic-Republic into a Socialist-Totalitarian Regime, or if he’ll just let Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid do the heavy lifting.

(C) 2008



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Implanting Mexicans and Protecting America from Big Busted Women

Mexicans implant tracking transmitters; fear kidnapping
Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) official grab woman’s breasts; fearing bomb

Inebriated Press
August 28, 2008

The UK Daily Mail reported last week that middle-class Mexicans are having tiny transmitters implanted under their skin so that satellites can track them if they are kidnapped. And the San Francisco Chronicle reported Tuesday that a big-busted woman wearing a large underwire bra set off the metal detector at Oakland International Airport causing a TSA agent to grope her. Fear of kidnapping and big breasts is grabbing people like Bill Clinton did interns back in the Oval Office.

“You can’t be too careful in today’s society, what with Mexican kidnappers, TSA gropers and Democrats for Obama running around doing whatever they want. It’s every woman for themselves anymore,” said Debbi Morer-Les, a sophisticated dentist from Denver, who believes that some things are worth running from. “I may just be one dentist out of the four of five who recommend chewing gum, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worried about societies trends. I’ve got investments in silicone valley and in silicon implants so I might set off metal detectors and get accosted at an airport. I may have to divest to avoid the risk. If I can find a plan that allows me to swap silicon breast implants for an electronic transmitter so I can be tracked if I’m kidnapped by Democrats, I might just do that.”

Not everyone is worried like Morer-Les. “Kidnappings and gropings have been going on since time began and it’s not like it’s anything new, or something to be afraid of,” said Sosumi Moranis, a slender Asian whose beauty defies description just like her undisclosed employment. “What woman hasn’t been groped or kidnapped at least once or twice in the last six months. Well, I suppose there are some, but none who haven’t at least thought about it.”

The Daily Mail reported that sales of transmitters that can be implanted under the skin and tracked by satellites have jumped by 13 per cent this year after kidnappings surged by almost 40 per cent in Mexico between 2004 and 2007. The crystal-encased chip, which is the size and shape of a grain of rice, is injected into middle-class Mexicans’ bodies with a syringe. A transmitter in the chip sends radio signals to a device, carried by the client, with a global positioning system in it, say makers Xega. A satellite can then pinpoint the kidnap victim’s location. Mexico ranks with conflict zones such as Iraq and Colombia as among the worst countries for abductions. Official statistics show 751 kidnappings in the country last year, but the independent crime research institute ICESI says the number could have exceeded 7,000.

The San Francisco Chronicle reported that Berkeley resident Nancy Kates went to Oakland International Airport to board JetBlue flight 472 to Boston, and ended up in a standoff with Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials over her bra. Kates, a big-busted woman, was wearing a large underwire bra, and she set off the metal detector. She was pulled aside and checked by a female TSA agent with a metal-sensitive wand. “The woman touched my breast. I said, ‘You can’t do that,’ “ Kates said. “She said, ‘We have to pat you down.’ I said, ‘You can’t treat me as a criminal for wearing a bra.’ “

The supervisor told her she had the choice of submitting to a pat-down in a private room or not flying. Kates offered a third alternative, to take off her bra and try again, which the TSA accepted. So she went to the rest room, then through the security line a second time. Walking through the airport braless can be embarrassing for a large-chested woman, not to mention uncomfortable. The metal detector didn’t beep on the second time through, but then officials decided to go through Kates’ carry-on luggage, she said. The whole undertaking took 40 minutes, Kates said, and caused her to miss her flight. JetBlue put her on another one, but she was four hours late getting to Boston. TSA spokesman Nico Melendez said that he wasn’t familiar with the incident. But he said in all circumstances, “we have to resolve an alarm.” Some pundit’s say what’s really alarming is that there are close to 20 million illegal aliens in the U.S. that go un-tracked, un-patted down and whose status is unresolved.

“In April of this year Bear Stearns’ estimated that there are 20 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. and while that’s bad enough in itself, some of these people are known to be Hezbollah operatives who paid Mexican smugglers to get them into the country,” said Capricorn Five-Comando, a short Israeli-Palestinian New Yorker, who lives in constant conflict with himself. “Legal Mexicans are establishing systems so that they can be tracked and TSA is busting big busted women out of fear that their boobs are about to blow. Meanwhile American borders are porous and for a couple thousand dollars you can buy a fake passport and ID and get smuggled into the U.S. so you can build your base of operations, and prepare to spring out and attack all at once. This shit is what people ought to be paying attention to. Once you understand that Iran created and finances Hezbollah and they want to bring the US and Israel down, you get a better understanding of what we’re up against. What I need is a big busted TSA woman to take my mind off all this. I wonder how I can track one down?”

In other news, KASW-CW6 Phoenix reported last week that David Hayes’ caught a record breaking channel catfish using his granddaughters 2 1/2 feet long Barbie Doll rod-and-reel. Hayes landed the record-breaking fish, which weighed 21 pounds, 1 ounce, on Aug. 5 from a private pond in Wilkes County, North Carolina, while fishing with his granddaughter Alyssa, 3. Hayes says he’s been getting a lot of ribbing from folks who kid him about a grown man fishing with a hot pink Barbie Doll rod and reel. No word on how he tracked the fish or how he feels about TSA’s approach to big busted women.

(C) 2008

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Dog’s are Doctors, Bunny’s are Sorority House Moms

Scientists say dogs are able to detect tumors
Playboy Playmate Shelley Darlingson stars in “The House Bunny”

Inebriated Press
August 27, 2007

RedOrbit reported last week that scientists are now using dogs to sniff out bladder tumors from urine samples, a non-invasive and simple way of detecting disease. And The Jersey Journal reported that Playboy Bunny Shelley Darlingson is living the bimbo dream as she makes her home in the Playboy Mansion and is currently staring in a new Adam Sandler movie. Pundits debate whether it’s fair to compare Playboy Bunny’s with cancer-curing dogs, or even talk about them in the same paragraph.

“You can’t discuss curing cancer and an Adam Sandler movie in the same context, it’s more than absurd,” said John Doe, a unisexual adult who denies a real identity and continues to argue that there is no sign that John Doe’s really exist anyplace in the universe. “There is no platform for a comparative discussion about the two, I don’t exist as a being in any true format, and this conversation is completely superfluous. If I actually existed I’d own a dog and be in pursuit of a Playboy Bunny like everybody else, but that’s not the case. I’m not usually this crabby but babes, bunnies and dogs are important and shouldn’t be taken so lightly that writers invent shallow characters like me to discuss them. I’m very disappointed.”

Not everyone thinks illness and movies are disparate. “I’ve gotten sick watching movies a lot of times, not cancer I don’t think because I don’t live with a dog that can tell me that, but the two do share the same contextual space on occasion,” said Jane Doe, a person of interest, whose invented life seems to be less onerous to her than John’s. “I like movies and dogs and am against all illnesses. I guess I’m simple that way. That’s why I like Adam Sandler. You don’t have to be too bright to watch his flicks. Of course you can’t expect much from them no matter what your IQ is.”

RedOrbit reported that scientists are using dogs to sniff out bladder tumors from urine samples, and a common form of skin cancer could be detected by its distinctive scent, possibly paving the way for new cheap and painless forms of testing. Philadelphia’s Monell Center sampled the air directly above basal cell carcinomas and found it was different to similar samples from healthy skin. Experts say all human skin releases chemicals called “volatile organic compounds”, many of which do have a scent. “Our findings may someday allow doctors to screen for and diagnose skin cancers at very early stages,” said Dr Michelle Gallagher, presenting the results of the project at the American Chemical Society’s annual conference.

The Jersey Journal reported that Shelley Darlingson is living the bimbo dream. She’s already appeared in three nude pictorials (including “Girls of the G.E.D.”). She has her own room at the Playboy Mansion, all the mango margaritas she can drink and an expense account at every Candies outlet in town. Hef himself has said she might even be Miss November. Now Darlingson gets to play the house-mother to a sorority in an Adam Sandler production called “The House Bunny.” Like their biggest hit, “Legally Blonde,” this movie features a sexy ditz (the about-to-hit Reese Witherspoon then, the ambitious Anna Faris here) who’s too sweet to hate. Like that movie, it features snobbish villains, mad makeover sessions and lots of Cosmo Girl dating tips. Although “The House Bunny” is supposedly about empowerment, it’s mostly about how to live and look like a porn star. Some pundits argue that dogs and porn stars are all most men are looking for.

“A guy with a good dog and a porn star relationship has all his needs met except for food and shelter,” said some idiot who wandered past and looked over my shoulder. “I mean what guy wouldn’t want to live with a loveable cancer-detecting dog that wags its tail at you, and a hot chick that knows everything about sex and wags her tail at you? Put me in house with them next to a Denny’s and I’d be set.”

In related news, Inebriated reporters have been in heated debate over whether this writer has lost his entire mind or just part of it. No word on whether it really matters. “I’ve still got my health,” I said.

(C) 2008

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Women Wanted for Sex Drive Study; 61 Year-Old Gives Birth to Own Grandchild

Some study, others just do whatever it takes

Inebriated Press
August 26, 2008

WFMY News 2 North Carolina reported last week that BioSante Pharmaceuticals, Inc. is currently sponsoring a nationwide research study to determine if an experimental medication can increase women’s sexual desire. And the San Francisco Chronicle reported last week that a 61-year-old Japanese woman gave birth to her own grandchild, using an egg donated by her daughter. Debate over what constitutes sex drive and whether that has anything to do with procreation is swirling in the air like truth and lies around “16 year-old” female Chinese gymnasts.

“Sex drive in humans has very little to do with procreation although no sex drive at all tends to reduce the likelihood of pregnancy,” said Maj R. Geniuss, a pharmaceutical representative, who believes that prior to drug companies existence the universe had no history. “Humans and monkeys are the only creatures in nature who have sex for fun, all other species have sex only for procreation. This naturally leads to confusing questions about whether nature intended sex to be used for anything other than procreation, but we at Big Pharma really don’t care as long as we can sell drugs to increase sex drive if you want it, or cut it down if you don’t. We also don’t care if you never make up your mind. The market for uppers and downers for emotional management is good, so we think that products to ramp sex drive up and down will also be good. And I don’t mean that as male metaphor, although I suppose it could be used that way.”

Not everyone is as cavalier about sex, drugs and procreation as Geniuss is. “Having children, particularly the way the 61 year-old did, by giving birth to her own grandchild, has nothing to do with sex drive and everything to do with procreation,” said Jezebel Vondervan, a wonder of womanhood and achievement, whose fifteen children by fourteen different men is still a record in Tinytownn, Oregon. “I don’t care for sex and never did, but I like children and believe strongly that they are our future. I want a good future so I want lots of kids. I don’t care for men much though, but at this point in the evolutionary time window, they’re still needed if you want to get knocked up without a lot of expense. Not only do I not have to pay anyone for invitro fertilization, these guys usually will even pick up the drink tab and sometimes dinner. You stick to your mission and do what works.”

WFMY News 2 reported that approximately 40 million American women suffer from some type of sexual disorder, the most common being Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD), sometimes referred to as low sex drive. BioSante Pharmaceuticals, Inc. is currently sponsoring a nationwide medical research study, the Bloom Study, to determine if LibiGel, an investigational study medication, can increase women’s sexual desire.

The article said sexual activity has many health benefits and is an important part of relationships. But those with HSDD are rarely in the mood for intimacy. “Currently, there are no medications approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for the treatment of low sexual desire,” said James A. Simon, MD, a LibiGel study investigator, Clinical Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the George Washington University in Washington. “We know there is a tremendous medical need.” For more information on the Bloom Study, visit

The San Francisco Chronicle reported that surrogate births are extremely rare in Japan and banned by industry groups, but that didn’t stop a 61-year-old Japanese woman from giving birth to her own grandchild, using an egg from her daughter. “Both surrogate mother and baby were fine,” said Chihiro Netsu, a spokeswoman for Suwa Maternity Clinic in Nagano, northwest of Tokyo. Dr. Yahiro Netsu, who runs the clinic, has long defied national opposition to such procedures, arguing that they should be an option for women who are infertile.

The spokeswoman said the 61-year-old woman was believed to be the oldest surrogate mother in Japan, and news reports said she was the oldest woman to have given birth overall. The clinic refused to provide information such as the date of the birth or gender of the baby. At Suwa Maternity Clinic, eight surrogate mothers have given birth. Of them, four women have delivered babies using fertilized eggs from their daughters. Some pundits argue that humankind has evolved beyond procreation and should be focused on having fun.

“Only people have ‘I think therefore I am’ consciousness and only people and monkey’s have sex for fun in addition to procreation. It’s time that we humans evolve beyond the animals that only have sex for procreation, and beyond monkey’s who have it for fun and procreation. Humans should only be having sex for fun,” said Debbie Duz-Dallas, a mathematical theoretician who once postulated an orgasmic theory that broke the sound barrier. “We would stop over-population thereby reducing humankind’s footprint on the environment, and reduce our demand for earth’s resources. And sex can be highly physical and can be used for exercise and better health. I’m telling you we can upgrade the human race and stop global warming in one fell swoop. I’ll bet the Big Pharma folks will buy in.”

In related news, KARE 11 Twin Cities reported last week that a Cleveland High School teacher, in Houston, Texas was charged with prostitution after meeting a man in an online chat room and soliciting him in a downtown Houston hotel. Police said Laurie Ann Lewis, 38, was arrested Tuesday at the Four Seasons in an undercover sting. She was arrested after asking for $300 to perform a sexual act, police said. The Cleveland Independent School District said Lewis was “placed on paid administrative leave pending resolution of the matter.” No word on whether Lewis will transfer to Florida where teachers and students have sex together regularly, or whether her sex drive is solely tied to money, in which case she may transfer to Nevada.

(C) 2008

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Ban U.S. Girls Veggie Stands, Protect Illegal Alien Criminals

California Town Busts 11-year-old Over Zucchini
California City Shields Illegal Alien Criminal Suspected of Murder
America finally gets tough on the serious crimes

Inebriated Press
August 25, 2008

KGO-TV San Francisco reported last week that the city of Clayton, California shut down the produce stand of 11-year-old Katie and 3-year- old Sabrina Lewis for selling their families surplus garden-grown Zucchini, melons, tomatoes and radishes because their veggie stand wasn’t located in a properly zoned area. And the San Francisco Chronicle reported last week that an illegal immigrant freed after being shielded from possible deportation by San Francisco officials despite committing two gang-related assaults as a juvenile – now faces charges that he tried to stab a man to death. Pundits say the U.S. finally has its priorities straight.

“We can no longer run the risk of anarchy committed against the United States of America by 11 and 3 year-old girls who wantonly flaunt zoning regulations and sell fresh fruits and vegetables to the unsuspecting public,” said Adolf Hitler-Esque, a public official who has had enough of little girls earning a few bucks by trafficking in healthy vegetables. “These children cannot be tolerated by a tolerant society. They are taking away the jobs of illegal immigrants who harvest vegetables and only occasionally assault and murder people. In the New Economy, we can’t cut children any slack if they engage in commerce while legally living in this country. It would be different if they were here illegally and were assaulting people, we can look past that kind of stuff.”

Not everyone agrees with Hitler-Esque. “These are children selling vegetables for god’s sake, it’s not like they’re dealing drugs or trying to kill somebody, for crying out loud,” said Horatio Alger-Esque, a nutritionist with a bias toward vegetation who also secretly harbors a weakness toward good work ethic. “We shelter criminals who are breaking the law by being here and we crush the business enterprise of some kids who might make fifty-cents selling some tomatoes. If this kind of logic keeps up people will start thinking that deposing a murderous dictator in Iraq has the same moral equivalency as Russia invading a peaceful democracy like the Republic of Georgia. God help us.”

ABC affiliate KGO-TV San Francisco reported that two young East Bay girls are trying to find out if you really can fight city hall. The youngsters are battling to get their produce stand back after the city of Clayton shut them down. The mayor himself is getting involved in this issue; he says the produce stand, operated by two young sisters, had to be shut down because of public safety and a zoning ordinance.

The KGO-TV site said 11-year-old Katie and 3-year- old Sabrina Lewis had been selling their families surplus fruits and veggies – stuff like: “Zucchini, melons, tomatoes, radishes,” said Sabrina Lewis. They did it for maybe four hours on Saturday mornings to make a little money. They haven’t sold a thing since the police showed up. “They said traffic was being stopped and then they came up with we can’t have a roadside stand and then they said it was a commercial enterprise,” said Katie Lewis, the 11-year-old former produce seller.

Clayton Mayor Gregg Manning said that you can’t trust little girls. “They may start out with a little card-table and selling a couple of things, but then who is to say what else they have. Is all the produce made there, do they make it themselves? Are they going to have eggs and chickens for sale next,” said Manning. Mike Lewis, father of the illegal veggie providers, says he has approached the city planning commission – hoping to find a compromise making one last stand for his girls’ produce stand. City planners meet next week.

The San Francisco Chronicle reported that Eric Antonio Uc-Cahun, now 19, a native of Mexico, and suspected of being in the United States illegally – was freed after being shielded from possible deportation by San Francisco officials despite committing two gang-related assaults as a juvenile. Now San Mateo County authorities say he faces charges that he tried to stab a man to death. The San Mateo County stabbing was especially vicious, authorities said – a top prosecutor said the victim had been “gutted, like you gut a pig.”

The article said Uc-Cahun’s history of youth offenses in the city was similar to that of Edwin Ramos, a 21-year-old Salvadoran native facing triple-murder charges in connection with the slayings in June of a San Francisco man and two of his sons on an Excelsior district street. “How many of these people are there who were the beneficiaries of this process?” asked Joseph Russoniello, the U.S. attorney for Northern California, who has been critical of the city’s practice of shielding immigrants from deportation. “This is what happens when the best intentions are misapplied,” Russoniello said. “If there was any justification for this program, cases like this certainly undermine that expectation. These attacks demonstrate that these people are acting with impunity because they have little to fear.” Some people argue that allowing vegetable stands in the wrong part of town will lead to worse crimes than murder.

“If you have any understanding of the nature of True Crime you’d know that harboring illegal murderers is nothing compared to allowing children to sell vegetables on street corners,” said an unnamed government official, with duct tape covering his name tag. “If we allow kids to engage in commerce at these young ages they’ll grow into corporate executives who make millions of dollars by creating new jobs and stimulating the economy. The next thing you know they’ll try to ban illegal workers from slipping across the countries borders, and want barriers against foreigners who want to come here illegally and kill people they disagree with. Before you know it, they’ll even want to stop Islamofascists from beheading infidels or free people who are subject to them. The next thing you know, they’ll start voting Republican. We have to nip this stuff in the bud.”

In other news, The Smoking Gun (TSG) reported last week that Heidi Dalibor, a 20-year-old from Wisconsin, was arrested for two overdue library books. Dalibor failed to respond to letters from the Grafton Library and kept the books for a couple of weeks. According to a police report, Dalibor was apprehended at her family’s home, cuffed and stuffed in a cruiser, and booked for violating the “overdue library materials” ordinance. She also had to pose for a mug shot at the Grafton Police Department. Dalibor subsequently settled with the library by paying her overdue fines and reimbursing it for the cost of the two novels, which totaled around $180. Dalibor’s mother Patty told TSG that her daughter was “a good kid” who works two jobs. She is also now the owner of two Fitch and Brown books, which Dalibor got to keep as a result of paying off her library levies. No word on whether selling vegetables as a child led her to the criminal book violations, but since she’s a legal American citizen we can all appreciate the need to bust her ass and imprison her for as long as it took to straighten her out.

(C) 2008

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