Daily Archives: August 2, 2008

Exercise by Pill Popping; Get Women for Free

Better Health Instantly through Self Medication
Better Sex Life Instantly through Self Depreciation

Inebriated Press
August 2, 2008

Wired Science reported Thursday that researchers report an experimental drug mimics the results of exercise but without the exercise. After four weeks of taking a pill, mice who hadn’t worked out displayed a 44 percent increase in their running endurance. And UK’s Daily Mail reported earlier this week that the most effective way to get a woman into bed is by running yourself down, according to scientists.  Researchers are plowing new ground as they elicit new med’s and techniques that have guys buff and bawdy while barely trying.  Is science great or what!

“Ever since I started on a regimen of AICAR, Viagra and Red Bull coupled with the wry, self-deprecating humor of Hugh Grant in the film Notting Hill, I’ve started looking like a stud and have enjoyed acting the same with a new gal every night,” said Likeli Storry, a buff-looking middle-aged accountant, who believes that sex and drugs go together like pork and beans, Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire, and Democrats and tax increases.  “My new studly build and hang-dog look plus the energy of a thoroughbred have me in demand day and night.  You’d think I was Barack Obama at a tax-collectors’ convention.  I’m like a rock star!”

Not everyone thinks that drug therapy and middle-aged depression are the keys to happiness.  “I workout to stay in shape and drink a lot of coffee to keep going, and I feel pretty bad about all the stupid stuff I have to put up with in my life.  I look pretty good for my age and have better than average energy, but there aren’t any babes falling at my feet,” said Norm L. Guyy, a software engineer and divorced father of two, who continues trying despite some hard knocks.  “I suppose I’d pop a med if it was proven safe and I knew it made me healthier, but there’s usually a tradeoff of some kind.  Like your metabolism speeds up and your endurance is better and then you die suddenly.  That’s what would happen to me.  I’d finally get some hot babe in the sack and all the systems would shut down and the death rattle would commence.  It’d be my luck.  I can’t get anything right.  See, I’ve got self depreciation down and I don’t see any chicks trying to pick me up.”

Wired Science reported that researchers say an experimental drug can mimic the results of an exercise regimen — with no exercise required. After four weeks of taking the pill, mice who hadn’t worked out displayed a 44 percent increase in their running endurance. “It’s tricking the muscle into ‘believing’ it’s been exercised daily,” said the study’s lead researcher, Ronald Evans of the Salk Institute, in a release. “It’s basically the couch potato experiment, and it proves you can have a pharmacologic equivalent to exercise.”

The drug, AICAR, mimics AMP, effectively tricking the body into thinking that it needs more energy and to begin producing more ATP — making more energy available for cellular action. But a new therapy isn’t ready to go just yet. “Right now you have no way to target the drug to specific cell types. By giving AICAR systemically, you’d be activating the signaling pathway in every cell of the body,” Evans said. “Without knowing what impacts that might have, that would be a dangerous thing to do.”

The Daily Mail reported that scientists have discovered the technique used by Hugh Grant’s film characters can bring the same romantic success off-screen. Anthropologist Gil Greengross, who conducted a two-year study into the role of humor in seduction, discovered that the type of humor used by Hugh Grant in the film Notting Hill – in which he attempts to charm Julia Roberts with the poor contents of his fridge – works the best. “Many studies show that a sense of humor is sexually attractive, especially to women,” he said. “But we’ve found that self-deprecating humor is the most attractive of all.”

While Americans are said to adore the British tendency towards self-deprecating humor, experts warned that problems could arise when it was used to seduce a member of the opposite sex from a different culture who might not understand it. The report, “Dissing Oneself: The Sexual Attractiveness of Self-Dep-Humour”, which will be published next month in the Journal of Evolutionary Psychology, also warns that the technique should not be attempted by those who are already unpopular.  Some pundits say that relationships based on fake vitality and artificial humility is doomed to fail.

“Sure a nice bod, a humble attitude and good humor can help a guy get his foot in the door, so to speak,” said Lacy Tracy-Racy Higglesbottom-Brushfire, a rocket scientist and part-time stripper, who thinks hyperbole is another way to say you’re sorry. “In the long run the lack of authenticity will show and the guy will expose himself for what he is.  If a guy is someone other than he made out to be, he can get his wings clipped — and other stuff — pretty quickly.  And I’m not exaggerating.  Not this time anyway.  I keep pruning shears in my purse. Damn straight.”

In other news, World Net Daily reports that in “The Obama Nation,” a new book by Jerome Corsi, a WND staff writer, the author speculates about why one term Senator and current presidential candidate Barack Obama, disclosed his drug use. Obama admitted using drugs in his autobiography but never revealed if or when he stopped. “I blew a few smoke rings, remembering those years,” Obama wrote in “Dreams From My Father,” in a section of the book about his college days. “Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it.”

“Why Obama chose to disclose he smoked marijuana and used cocaine at all remains a mystery,” Corsi writes. “Perhaps Obama felt the information would eventually come forward from his school buddies. So, to minimize the damage from this concealed fact, Obama possibly judged self-disclosure was the best route.” No word on whether he used self-depreciating humor to get Michelle into the sack, or whether the drugs alone did the trick.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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